Cowardly

[relationshipa1]

Dear April,

Several years ago, I indulged in a small flirtation with a boy (at 21, what else could you call him?). He was four years my junior and when he moved away, we both moved on. I mean, it was as innocent as an elementary school children’s relationship; we didn’t even get as far holding hands, much less kissing.

He has now come back into my life and has made it clear he would like to pick things up where we left off and see where it may lead. Unfortunately, I am no longer the same person I was then and am not interested. And, like a coward, I haven’t had the guts to say to him straight out, that I’m just not interested, and have instead been abruptly dodging his flirtations.

Because we share the same group of friends, it has been extremely awkward–at least for me. I keep trying to treat him as I would any of my friends, but he keeps pushing for more (a secret smile, a soft touch) and I’m getting to the point of panic. I don’t want to hurt his feelings but how much more obvious can I be without saying to him, “I don’t like you like that and it’s giving me the creeps”? I’ve turned down his invites to dinner, his invites to other activities. I’ve tried to direct him toward other girls, introduced him to single friends, blatantly voiced the fact that I see him as a brother and nothing more.

The real problem is that now, he’s involved our friends. He’s talked to all of them, every single one, who have since talked to me, about what a good guy he his, how well he would treat me, how I should give him a chance and, btw, didn’t I like him so-and-so years ago? Not only our friends, but even insignificant acquaintances have approached me! It is now making me the villain in this strange turn of events and I feel selfish and foolish because I can’t and don’t feel the same about him, and I can’t and won’t, especially now, even consider giving him a chance.

How I do I make this stop? How and what do I say to him without telling him you are A) giving me the creeps with your desperate attempts at trying to hit on me and B) I hate that you’re dragged everyone into this stupid “relationship” you want to build with me?

Am I just being a chicken?

Sincerely,
Stupid Coward

[April Masini]

Look at rejection for what it really is: a bumper in a pinball game that directs the ball back into play. He’s barking up the wrong tree — and wasting his time. Of course he’s going to be hurt by rejection. Who isn’t? But we all bounce back and we all move on. You have to give him the opportunity to do the same.

Normally I wouldn’t suggest a confrontation with him, but because he’s waged a strategic campaign to win you over that has your friends singing his praise — and bugging the daylights out of you — it’s time to be straight with him. If you’re not, you’re going to blow up and explode at him. His behavior calls for you to be civil, but firm and straightforward.

You need to take him aside and tell him that you’re not interested in him at all and you wish he’d stop talking to other people and making them campaign aides in this futile attempt to get you to date him. You can tell your friends the same thing. If they don’t stop bothering you, sadly, you have to find new friends. The people you keep closest to you should be supportive. If they’re creeping you out or contributing to that, you’ve outgrown them.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter.

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