dating a married old lover

[rbs]

we were together in school and liked each other but never told each other that. Then he changed school. Years later I got married and had no clue where he was but always thought about him. Then I got divorced and after 8 years I found him on fb. Messaged him and he was very happy. We started talking and I checked if he is committed elsewhere, to which he refused. We kinda kicked off after that. Got really close. Though never met, it was all over the phone. After few months he started to snap and wanted to distance. Was pushing me away. I found out he was getting married. And he got married. I was shattered, played around. After two months of his marriage he started calling me up like 50 – 60 times a day, leaving messages that he wants me back, wants to talk, I should hear out his side of the story. I didn’t give in. After 5 more months he said he will die of this feeling if I don’t talk to him so I did. And he said that he was already committed to her before I came in his life but when I came in he didn’t want to lose me again like before so did everything that he could to be with me. Since I did love him, we were on again. He told me that he is not physical with his wife. They are more of friends than lovers. They don’t sleep together and not in the same room. And that I know for sure since he calls me up every night to talk to me and he is alone in his room. But I cannot share him with anybody. So I would fight if she likes a comment on fb, or they spend time. Like this we were off and on on talking since I would always try to snap ties. But he would desperately get back to me and tell me he loves me. Recently after the same episode of me leaving him, he took a day off from work to discuss things with me, a first in 3 years. So he told me that she had proposed marriage and he said yes not out of love but for the good person she is. And for the pressure from parents to have kids, he has refused point blank that he doesn’t want them. She doesn’t want sex coz she doesn’t like it. He did try but she refused. That day he decided that they cannot sleep in the same room. He told me he cannot survive without me in his life. Everything goes dark for him with out me in his life. He said even if I leave him and not talk for months together, he would again come back to convince me and have me back in his life. But he cannot end the marriage coz there is no pretext to do that. Plus this was a love marriage and they had to convince their parents for it. So it would be a great mess. And he would leave her only if she cheats on him. That day for the first time he even came on skype so that I could feel more close to him and important of course. But I cannot tolerate sharing him. I get clingy and fight with him when he is unable to take my call or reply back. We fought yesterday over it. He said he has anger too in him for i was married to my ex, and says it kills him that am not a Virgin when am only his but never said anything to me or fought with me over it. I was sad that I fight. But I can’t see him with her. He messages and calls as per his wishes. I cannot freely call. I dont like that. He comes home next week and this time he says, even though nothing is planned but he has meeting on his mind. And we will get physical post the first meeting for the first time. I don’t know what to do. I know he loves me but I know he can’t leave her unless she cheats on him. He’ll only make out with me and not her despite the pressure for kids. And he says he’s not interested. But I don’t know what to do. Please can someone suggest something to me, please. I really don’t know what to do. I love him and don’t want to lose him over wrongly understanding the situation. She is a great friend he says but lacks warmth and bonding. He says he doesn’t feel love for her just courteous. Please help.

[April Masini]

This isn’t a good relationship for you, and you’re going to get hurt if you stay in it. 🙁 He wasn’t honest with you that he had a girlfriend, who became his fiancee, and now his wife. 😕 His wanting to keep you in his life by lying about her, may seem romantic and dramatic, but it’s selfish. He could easily have told you he was with someone else, early on, but he didn’t have your best interests at heart. He had his own. 😳

Now, he’s in a sexless, unhappy marriage, and after months of this long distance relationship, he’s finally going to meet with you and you’ll consummate this relationship that’s not going anywhere for you. I think you’re lonely and you haven’t met your Mr. Right since your divorce eight years ago, so you’re trying to talk yourself into this love relationship, but I believe that deep down, you know it’s not right for you and that’s why you wrote me. 😉 I know that you say you love and don’t want to lose him, but remember that he’s married, and he’s cheating on his wife. It hurts you to see her online presence, and if that hurts, it’s just going to get worse for you if you get further involved with him. I just don’t see the scenario where this ends well for you with him. 😕

My advice is that you move on and find someone who’s available and honest and cares about your well being, not just his own. If you want to talk about this any more, or have further questions, please ask. I’m here! 😀

[rbs]

Dear April,

Yes you are so right! Deep down I know everything that he is selfish even if he claims to love me. But telling me everytime that I too got married and was with someone clearly is him making grounds to justify that his being with someone shouldn’t bother me. He is insensitive. He’s just holding on till they fuck each other. Till then he has me but the good thing is I haven’t yet met him or even slept with him. He can go have her. He can’t do the eenie meenie miny mo game with me. Am foolish I let this go on for so long. I feel sick! Thanks a ton April ❤

[April Masini]

You’re very welcome. And don’t forget — you’re single and available. He’s married and not divorcing any time soon. That’s a big difference in compatibility. You can find someone who’s more suited to you — a man who is single and available and wants to be with you — and only you. 😀

[kai]

The oldest lines in the book for married men to use to pick up women are “my wife doesn’t understand me” and “we don’t have sex any more” …. Don’t fall for them!

[April Masini]

Really good advice.

[Author]

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