[christy271987]

first off, I just wanted to say that I don’t have a problem with dating older guys, I never have and I never will because I’ve always been attracted to guys thats a lot older than me, but this guy I’m seeing now is old enough to be my father, he’s 42 and I’m 21, but my mom kind of set me and him up after me and my ex-bf broke up almost 3 years ago, and he chased me for 2 long years, I told him I didn’t want a bf and I just wanted us to be friends, he took me out to places all the time and always bought me things, my ex never bought me roses when we were together for valentines day, this guy did, and he got me a gold heart shaped necklace with white diamonds around the heart and I wouldn’t even wear it because I wasn’t sure how I felt about him yet, he was always there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on when me and my ex-bf broke up or when I was fighting with my mom or brother, I don’t get along with them, but he’s got a daughter thats 3 years younger than me, he was already married to her mother once and every time we go somewhere one of his friends always asks him if I’m with him if I’m his daughter or not, and he’ll tell them that I’m just his friend but we’re dating, he’s not stupid at all for his age, he just doesn’t have good sense, he’s really funny and cute at that, lol, I’ve known him for over 5 years, we’ve dated on and off for 2, and we’ve had our fair share of fights about every little thing you could imagine, he would get mad at me for not having a job, he says because he wanted to date me, I think he just said that to motivate me to get a job, but when I did he said he was so proud of me, and it made me really happy, if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have went out to try and look for a job because I’m picky about where I want to work and all, but I lied to him so much about stupid stuff, like where I was at and who I was with, I only hang around with my moms friend who takes me everywhere I want to go and if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t get to have any freedom because my moms the controlling type, but my friend doesn’t like him because he sells prescription pills out of his car for extra money and he thinks he’s a bad influence on me, he’s right, I don’t see him that much anymore, but I told him soo many lies about me being with him that he doesn’t trust me anymore because of it, one time when he caught me in a lie he said “you know, you’re making me like you less and less each time you lie to me” but I finally stopped that, I just don’t know how to earn his trust back now, he told one time that if I want to be his girlfriend I’ll have to earn his trust back and it won’t be overnight when he’ll start trusting me again, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, I love him so much and he doesn’t have a clue, he’s got an idea because of something I did when he was mad at me but I told him I didn’t because I didn’t want to run him off, I asked him one time did he like me because he doesn’t act like it sometimes and he said “I like you, if I didn’t you wouldn’t be around me”, he’s helped me out a lot, I don’t have my drivers license or a car and he’s trying to help me get my license by helping me practice for my drivers test in his daughters car he bought for her, and he said he’s going to try and help me get a car of my own later, one day we were talking and I left my phone on beside his bed while I went to the bathroom, and I had text messages from one of my guy friends in there and when I got back he said he read all of them, he got so jealous, he said “I thought you were serious about wanting to be in a relationship with me, now I know you’re really not” and that guy was telling me about how he had a friend who had a car for me that he would help me get, and I told him that he didn’t believe me, I guess thats a lot of what’s wrong with us because now he’s talking about finding another girlfriend but with the looks he gives me I think he’s just trying to get a reaction out of me because he told me one time that he was a people watcher and he sometimes likes to say things to get a reaction out of people, and he also told me when we were just friends that he only liked dating one girl at a time, and now he’s saying “we’re just dating, I can do whatever I want and you can do whatever you want right?” I never answered him because it would have just caused us to get into a fight, I’m so scared of him finding somebody else with his little odd jobs that he works, he works during football season at a college thats 30 minutes away from here taking the students from the campus on a bus to bars and restaurants and to the stadium for football and things like that on some saturdays, and just this past saturday he told me that some drunk girls that he rode around tried to talk to him and told him he was cute, there’s no telling what he really said but he says he would never lie to me about anything, he just made a joke and said “I guess they were just trying to get out of giving me a tip, I don’t want to give up on him just yet, I love him, but I don’t know what to do, should I sit him down and talk to him? if so, what do you guys think I should tell him, I would die if I lose him because he’s the only person that cares about me, I’m sorry this is so long but I need the advice bad and I had to get all of this out.

[April Masini]

I can’t help but wonder if you really care about this guy, or if you just like him for what he gives you and he can do for you? Please understand that I’m not here trying to judge you, I just would like to suggest that you be honest with yourself.

The reality is there are no perfect people or perfect relationships… there will always be some sort of compromise that has to be made. That said, this man does appear to be a very, very stabilizing and positive influence in your life. The fact that he’s encouraged you to get off your butt and get a job is fantastic. You should be working, you should be responsible and you should learn to take care of yourself. Being self sufficient instills confidence and provides individuals a most valuable ability — the ability to be free from others restrictions. He (as you know) is also correct about your need to stay away from your prescription drug selling friend… that guy is a very bad influence and an awful association. Equally you appear to have gown into a better person due to your relationship with him … specifically, you are trying not to lie. Liars (generally) become losers… they all get caught, eventually, and subsequently lose the trust and respect of all around them.

Having said all of that, at 21, you are EXTREMELY young… and he’s already has a full life of experience — you haven’t. I also get the feeling that while you say his age doesn’t bother you, statements like: “he’s not stupid at all for his age” lead me to believe otherwise.

For now, I suspect that this man is something of a father figure to you and it appears that he is enjoying playing that role, the way you look up to him and the way he can shape you and your life. In my opinion, as long as you don’t revert to lying — he will stick around. Will it last forever? Time will tell. However, for that to happen it is going to take an enormous amount of work from both parties on an on-going basis. I were a gambling person, my bet would be that you, rather than he, will be the one to eventually leave.

Here’s an interview I did with MSN on this exact topic. I recommend that you read it (it’s free):
http://www.askapril.com/pdflinks/Young-Women-Same-Old-Problem.pdf

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