Dating someone who’s always busy, not sure what to think!

[LoveParrots(:]

I’m dating a grad student who expects to get his PhD by the end of this academic year. I have absolutely NO idea how much work this requires, since I am still an undergrad (a junior). But I barely see him as it is (we went on our first date 4 months ago, right before summer started, and we’ve only had about 3 dates total). There were legitimate reasons for this though. He was my TA until Mid-May, so I had to be very mature and respectful about my interest. I asked him out after I turned in my final exam for the class, and we went out 3 days later. Also, we’re both originally from other cities, so over the summer after we both went home, we’ve had to really strive to see each other. Now that the school year has just started, we’re still trying to figure out work/school schedules, and that last time I saw him was mid-August. I really would like to see him more often (once a week if he could manage it, if not, I guess I’d understand. As long as I know he’s not making excuses.) I just don’t know how to avoid coming off as clingy or desperate.

I’m willing to adapt to his schedule, because I don’t want to jeopardize everything he’s working towards by being too much of a distraction. I really like him, and I can see the relationship becoming serious, but I just can’t get emotionally invested if I only see him once a month, because then I’d feel used/neglected. I’ve never been sexually active, and I’m not sure whether or not he’s figured this out yet. There are things I’m still naive about, and on our 3rd date I accidentally sent some mixed signals and he probably made assumptions about my sexual past, since it’s slightly unusual for a 21-year-old girl to be sexually inexperienced in our society, but he was respectful and mature when I explained that I was uncomfortable with the situation.

I hope that this isn’t a deal-breaker, especially since we’ve already overcome the initial awkwardness of the former teacher/student relationship, and also the age gap. He’s 11 years older–but before you zero in on that aspect, please hear me out–I’m 21, but I’ve always felt about 4 years older than I am. I’m responsible, I don’t get wasted and waste my time partying and associating with crude, obnoxious college guys. I’ve always had my priorities figured out, and I don’t want to waste my time with guys I don’t feel any connection to. I have a lot in common with this person that I am with, and I’ve had to be patient in getting to this point with him. I enjoy having thought-provoking, intellectual conversations instead of being with someone who has a compulsive need to punctuate every sentence with a perverted joke.

This would be my first serious relationship, and so far it has been the total opposite of what I’m used to. Maturity is a major determining factor when I’m looking for a guy. I’ve dated only twice previously, both when I was 16, still in high school, and the guys were my age. I realized that I want something more substantial from a relationship. I’m looking for a committed guy, not an immature frat boy type. I figured going for someone significantly older would be a challenge due to a disparity in experience level, but I figure it’s a nice improvement from perverted, sex-obsessed teenage boys.

I know that this relationship is still in its infancy, but I don’t date someone unless I can envision a future with them, and I can really see this going somewhere. I think he feels similarly, because he’s very thoughtful and he remembers random things I mentioned to him from months ago. On our last date, we went to a nice place for dinner, and he ordered something vegetarian so we could share, which was really unexpected and nice. It’s the little things like that, which make me think that he’s interested, however, there are 2-3 week periods where we have little to no contact. So I guess I’m just a little confused. We talked on the phone last week, and he apologized for not responding to a text, because he was doing lab research. Maybe he’s not a texter, I can’t be sure. I may just be comparing and contrasting too much with my past boyfriends. I just need advice. HELP!

[kai]

Hi, I notice that you have placed your question in the forum for Guest Writers and Advice Column Contributors.

This is not in the forum where April responds readers questions.

If you want to get a response from April, please repost your question in the Free Expert Q & A Relationship Advice Forum with April Masini.

[April Masini]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you. 😉

[Author]

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