desperate for him…still

[cdvt]

my boyfriend and i have been dating for about 4 and 1/2 years on and off. i’m totally in love with him, but we fight a lot, and i really can’t stand it. everytime we have even a little argument, he turns it into a reason not to see me. i get that he wants to spend less time together than i do…but i really hate that. we don’t even spend that much time together with it being summer… he comes over usually around 9 or 10pm and we watch a movie or some tv. it’s not like i’m asking a lot. i’ve been going through a hard time with a personal issue, and he was there for me in the beginning, but it seems he doesn’t really care that i’m still hurting from it. i’ve just asked for him to be supportive and reassuring in this…but it seems to be too much for him. i feel that i’ve given him so much- almost 5 years of my life…and i don’t just want to throw it away, but i really want someone who cares about me. it’s like his love for me can turn on and off-when he’s mad at me. everytime i talk to him about us breaking up, i end up forgetting the idea because i start to feel so terrible thinking about it. i also don’t like feeling that dependent on him- no matter how much i’ve invested in him, and i feel like i can’t change it. he has even said that my life revolves too much around our relationship, but it’s really hard when right now, i can’t get hired and most of my closest friends are from school and don’t live near me. is there anyway to stay with him and not feel like i so desperately need him? or should i even try to stay with someone who may not love me as much as i love him?

[April Masini]

If you’ve read my columns or my book, [u]Think & Date Like A Man[/u], you already know what I am going to tell you. If you haven’t read my book — you need to!

What you have done is you’ve made this guy “the prize” and you’ve been trying to “catch” him. To win with men, it must be the other way around. He must see you as the prize. You must be someone he wants to “win” and that he must work at winning. You should not be negotiating or trying to persuade him to spend more time with you… HE should be trying to convince you to spend more time with him! End of chapter.

Now you say that you’ve invested more than four years in this guy… Four years is a very long time. I don’t know how old you are (I’m guessing mid to late 20’s) or what you ultimate goals are in life, but if marriage is among them you’ve got to change your pattern of behavior — immediately.

Stop talking about “your relationship” with this guy and start taking action. How? Start being unavailable. Stop pursuing him. Start meeting and dating other men. Unless and until this guy asks you for an exclusive relationship and a commitment — there isn’t one. Period. If this guy was convinced you were “the one”, you’d be engaged. You’re not. And it’s been more than four years.

I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but you need to wake up!

It is your job to take care of you. If you want an exclusive relationship you need to keep dating different men until you find the one who feels the same way you do, and then, importantly, [b]d[i]emonstrates it by his actions[/i].[/b]

Bottomline: Time is your most valuable commidity and something you can never get any more of. Stop wasting yours on him — unless and until he steps up and makes you a priority. Frankly, if marriage is what you want, he may need to lose you before he does anything because he’s so used to having you whenever he wants you, without having to make any effort or invest much of anything — let alone make a commitment. That has to change. And if he’s unwilling to do make you a priority and to ask you for a committment leading to marriage (after 4 years), better you find out soooner rather than later. You don’t want to wake up after four more years of this having wasted 8 or 9 years on this guy. Do you?

[irish.pirate]

I have a situation similar to this. I dated my high school sweet heart for almost 4yrs. In the end I was a glorified booty call. I wanted more from the relationship and the more I pushed the more the relationship bombed. I finally dumped him and found someone else and got married. This is where things get kind of iffy. My husband cheated on me, and in the middle of my divorce my ex emailed me asking me for pictures from graduation. I haven’t heard from him in 2+ yrs. We are now having a long distance relationship(he’s in the marines) and he’s pushing to get married. I have always thought we would end up together again someday but now I’m kind of scared. Am I following a dream or is this my happy ending?

[April Masini]

You’re following a dream.

Sorry. I’m not sure that’s what you wanted to hear — actually I’m sure it’s not what you wanted to hear, but you didn’t come here for lies!

You’re vulnerable because you’re divorcing. You’ve also been cheated on, so it’s normal to feel rejected as well. The booty call boyfriend is back — but not really. If he was just overseas or long distance, it might work out, but because you have a failed history with him, I think you’re just clutching at straws and he’s Mr. Available or worse, Mr. Right Now.

Finish getting divorced. Meet some new people who don’t treat you like a booty call or cheat on you. You’re getting a fresh start, use it well. Re-read my books if you haven’t already, and consider them your refresher course for getting a fresh start on dating and the world!

[tricia]

Keep in mind that FIGHTS and OBSTACLES are part of every relationship. These things will help every relationship and the couple itself to become more stronger. If the two of you can’t handle these obstacles then there’s no reason for the two of you to continue the relationship.

On the other hand, you seems to be so in love with that guy. So let me share you one great line to implies in your mind.[b] “Your boyfriend should be just part of your life, but not your life itself.”[/b].

[April Masini]

Happy New Year! Please let me know how things are going for you. 😉

[Author]

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