[bluebell30]

Dear April,
I stumbled upon your website today and have been reading it for the last 6 hours, what great advice you offer.
What led me to it is my relationship of the past almost 3 years. I met this man online after being solo for about 2 years myself. The list of lies on his part are as follows: he said he was 36 (he was really 47), he said he only had 1 child (a 3 yr old son) – he really has this son, but also 2 24/19 yr old girls, and that he did a particular job – he has actually had a lot of $ troubles since his divorce 8 years ago or so. All lying aside and the 18 year difference in our ages (I was 28 when we met) – he is one of those guys who like “projects” in others, as it makes him feel useful. His project was helping me with my self-esteem, which is a problem for me, he says I have an inferiority complex – coming from an abusive family, then depressed (treated) for several years, I can see that I do not act like other people do. I often walk with my head down, always feel like I’m in the way or bothering people, that sort of thing. He exhibited great patience in discussions with me about my past and his views on the world ect – most often he began conversations and chose topics, I often felt uncomfortable, but sometimes it was really helpful in me seeing clearer and that I wasn’t that bad etc. I did not go around all maudalin – I just was trying to be with him I guess, but we would always enter these heavy conversations. Then I figured out that he was his actual age (he always referred to his daughters as cousins, I realized one of them looks like him with a wig and then looked at his passport – yes, snooped). Also, I am not crazy about his son and on and on with problems like one minute he is being supportive and steady, then a few hours later he’s yelling and screaming, kicking me out of his house, dumping a drink on my head, telling me I’m a bitch because I ruined the football game by criticizing the amount of effort people put into a game etc. He tells me he was better off before me, but then the next morning he says he wants me to be happy and can’t imagine not calling me anymore. Several months ago I found – while snooping – that he had send replies to dating ads – saying how he had never found the right woman etc – when asked about it he said he had done that because I was talking about moving out of state and therefore he could not have a relationship with me. We got through that period, then a few months later, I found he had posted more ads online, using pictures I had taken of him, and when asked about it he said that he had wanted to get away from me and so did that. But then he will call me and tell me he never loved anyone at all, but me. We went hiking a few times and at very scary parts he was very calm and helped me through them, we have good sex – it used to be hard for me to like it, but now I am enjoying such relations. He taught me how to cook and about politics and history, I have interest in his mind and we have great conversations, before they go ugly. He is very depressed and I don’t want him sad, but I do not think I can help him. He says that he has helped ME but I have not helped him. Then he regressed and said he didn’t mean to say that, that I had helped him. I wonder, maybe I really didn’t help him that much emotionally? But in action I did, like when I go to his house we always have sex, I make dinner, I clean his house, mow his lawn, do his shopping, I pay my own way when we go out – which terribly seldom in the last year. I feel that my actions are a help, and that they give something to someone who isn’t open to/ requiring a lot of mental assistance.
I guess my question is mainly what you think of all this, and also, how I can possible improve on my self esteem and ability to trust someone else? Perhaps hard to tell, but was I more of a burden than I see?
I thank you for reading all this, it is a lot, any help you could give me would be awesome! 🙄

[April Masini]

You mow his lawn??

I’m sorry — did I read that right? Wait. I did. YOU MOW HIS LAWN??? I understand he has problems, but is he missing a leg, too? And if not, what kind of a man would let his girlfriend mow his lawn? I mean the rest of what you write about him is bad enough, but this was the kicker for me.

This guy is totally wrong for you — or any other woman. Run like the wind!! And never — NEVER — mow a man’s lawn again. If he can afford a lawn, he can afford to pay the neighborhood teenager to mow his lawn, and if he’s allowed you to mow his lawn, he’s a total loser.

I know you’re obviously having trouble understanding what a good boyfriend looks like, but let me help you draw a few other lines, besides staying away from any John Deere products in your future:

If he pretends two of his children are his cousins, run!

If he kicks you out of his house, dumps a drink on your head and calls you a witch, run!

If he has you clean his house, do his shopping, make his dinner and pay your own way — run!!

This guy doesn’t know how to treat a woman, and you need to learn what to expect from a man in a relationship and from yourself. I’m going to suggest you immediately buy my book called Think & Date Like A Man, online. At the top of this page is a link called Dating Advice Books. Click on that link, then scroll down the new page that opens and buy the book for $15.95. You can download the book and start reading tonight. But don’t rush through it. Read one chapter a day or every few days and really think about what I’ve written.

You can’t be in a healthy relationship until you know what one looks like, and this book will guide you like a friend who’s right there with you, through the process.

Please ask me any questions you have, along the way. I’d like to help you.

And in answer to your question, Did I ruin a good (enough) thing? The answer is: You didn’t have a good (enough) thing. You had an emotionally abusive relationship where this guy pegged your low self esteem and went to town taking advantage of you. Break up with him tonight. Do not take his calls or e-mails again. No more contact with him.

You need to read my book, and start the next section of your life, which is the one where you start acting like you deserve a great guy who wants to treat you like the princess you are beneath your veneer of low self esteem. Peel back your layers, do what my book advises, and I promise that you will find a [i]really[/i] good thing!

[Anonymous]

Hi April,

Many thanks on your reply, it was a breath of fresh air. I am reading your book daily and it is something I really am enjoying. I love your writing style and honesty. Your site also helps me daily in a BIG way, it is just the ticket.
An update: the man who I wrote to you about has sent me a few emails, like how I was doing and if I was alright. I responded eventually just yes, I am doing fine. Then today he stopped by my work to tell me how he missed me terribly and that he didn’t want to feel like he had failed yet again at something and that I was the only one who understood him, asked if I missed him. Telling me how he wanted sex or I could just come over and we could talk as friends? I told him that was not a good idea for either of us and that I did not want to leave that door open. I told him I missed parts of him, yes, but that it was over and that was just best for both people. After he left and I went back inside to work, he had sent an email of how he had never loved anyone as he had loved me and probably never would. I responded:

Dear…You need to stop torturing yourself right now and keep doing your best to improve your life. Steady yourself, you will regain altitude. I care for you in a way that is unique to me, you made me think, feel and be how I probably never would have. I owe a lot to you and that’s not lip service. BUT for one thing, we were not helping each other anymore, only disrespecting/ resenting one another. You are not abandoned, but I must step aside and let you go on your way.

And I feel good about that response. I understand that his feelings are his responsibility, that he did not know how to treat a woman, and that he needs to work on himself and feel better. Also that I need to improve upon my low- self esteem, and what I want in a man in hope for in my life.
I feel and can see that my body has responded positively to this change in my life, and that is also a good thing. (I feel less exhausted, less drained, less anxiety, less bloated!)
I am also reading the books: Self-esteem handbook for Women, What should I do with my life?, Ending Nice Girl Syndrome, alongside yours. Just to keep myself occupied

[April Masini]

Good for you! You’re clearly making positive steps towards your own health and that’s going to lead you to a [i]worthwhile[/i], romantic partner.

I’m very glad that my book, Think & Date Like A Man, is helping you. It’s a great idea to read a little each day the same way you’d do crunches or do cardio exercise. And thank you for your kind words about the book! 🙂

I have to admit, I worry that you’re still in touch with this guy and telling him nice things. I know you have to take my advice and make it your own, but remember that this guy is going to try and reel you back in. The way that used to work was for him to make you feel like you were needed. When he tells you you’re the only one who understands him, he’s appealing to that part of you that is weak and wants to be needed. Remember that this guy is abusive. He abused your emotions and he abused your trust. But you are an adult and you let him.

So my mantra to you is: stay away from this guy, and don’t think about him. Think about you! Forget about his problems in knowing how to treat a woman. Think about [i]your[/i] problems in knowing how to be treated. Think about what [i]you[/i] deserve in life, and where [i]your[/i] boundaries are (no lawn mowing!!). 😉

And let me know how it all goes!

[Author]

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