[relationshipa1]

Okay I’m finally asking the advice from unbiased people.

I have been dating a man I love dearly for almost a year. I truly feel he’s the “one” He says he loves me, we have a once in a lifetime connection & he wants to spend his life with me etc. However, we get very little time together due to work and his unheard of off the books custody arrangement with his ex baby momma #2.

He’s 50 with a 4 year old. I am 46 and have a grown son in college. I am a great Mom and I understand kids are a priority but your partner must feel as important to you and be a priority as well as your kids. I am amicable with my ex and we never had any legal battles. My son also likes him and his daughter likes me. My friends all love him but think he treats me with disrespect and I’m not a priority.

He is a hard working single father with 2 ex baby mommas. One he had 2 kids with that are 12 & 10 that he lost all legal rights to & visitation of after a long ugly legal battle when his ex left the state. He spent many thousands of dollars and then she made false accusations of abuse and he finally gave up. So he has issues here, he misses his children & doesn’t know his younger son at all. She does not allow him to communicate with them.

Now we have baby momma # 2 that he has a 4 yo daughter with. She is a PT trainer hip hop dancer…enough said. His arrangement with her is strictly off the books. He’s so overcompensating for the situation with last ex & losing his 2 kids and se bows down to this woman to not make any waves. I always lose out and he has every single weekend with his daughter because thats the arrangement & only time he’s off work.
I have met his daughter, we have done some things together, pool party, dinner out etc but it’s very rarely.

He’s a good man, he works 60-70 hours a week M-F and then he has his daughter EVERY single weekend Sat noon to late Sunday night. In the entire year we have been to gether we have NEVER spent a weekend together due to this arrangement!
I usually get a night a week and then Fridays until he has to leave to get his daughter. He never invites me to do anything with them. He always He’s not a planner at all. He’s a make no waves guy & definately avoids rather than faces or discusses things. I do go to his house but never when his daughter is there. I think he doesn’t want the ex to know he’s with another woman and his daughter will mention me if I’m around much more.
He also says he lost his 1st 2 kids and he see’s his daughter so little that he feels giving anyone else attention takes time away from her.

I love him so much but I’m beoming very angry & resentful that he keeps me mostly on the outside. I’m at a loss for what to do. I have broken up with him over tis several times, I’m miserable without him. He always says it won’t be like this forever, give him time…

I’m at the point where I feel like I’m never a priority and always left out. I got so angry I have said some horrible things about his ex and I really hate her because of this situation. I think he needs to stand up to her, get an arrangement and give me time on the weekend with and without his daughter. It’s time and way overdue.

I broke up with him again Friday & we had a blowout because he went to a family party Friday, on my one night, yet i’m never invited…I think for the same reason. He doesn’t want his ex to know about us. Also he’s african american, I’m caucasion. His 1st ex is white, the next one is black. Not sure if this is an issue or not. It’s not an issure for me, I love him and race is no issue for me but I don’t know his family. His parents live out of state these are distant cousins, anunts etc.

Please help I have no idea what to do anymore…should I try and work it out or give up?

[April Masini]

Since your boyfriend lost complete custody of his two children with is first ex, it’s understandable that he’s trying to change his behavior and stay out of court with his second ex so he can see his third child as much as possible. I know you think it’s wrong, but if you look at it from his point of view, what he’s doing is logical. I also don’t really understand from what you’ve written what his second ex is doing wrong and why you hate her. It sounds like his work schedule only allows him to have his daughter on the weekends, and so he’s being a good single parent by spending as much time as he can with his daughter.

The problem is that you’ve chosen someone who for one entire year has made it clear that his raising his daughter is a priority. He is afraid to let his ex know that you’re a part of his life because she may see you as a potential step-mother to her daughter and that will possibly trigger resentment, jealousy and fear in her and cause her to act punitively, using the daughter as a pawn. Whether or not it’s morally right, it’s a reality, and since your boyfriend lost so bitterly and badly in his last custody battle, it’s completely understandable that what little custody he has of this third child — the only one he sees and knows anymore — is precious.

You’re in a completely different situation. You’re confident as a good mother. Your boyfriend has been accused of abusing his children and has lost custody of them completely. He’s trying to be a good parent, now, and it’s hard to blame him for compensating this time. You have an amicable and civilized relationship with your ex-husband and your son is away at college, and is probably not even a minor any more. He has no civilized contact with his first ex or his children with her, and he’s missing out on their minority. You want a partner who will become a husband and be there for you. He wants a girlfriend who won’t rock the boat and will fit in — in the background. Unfortunately, you’ve chosen the wrong guy. The two of you are not compatible and you’re ignoring the facts — and have been for a long time. Breaking up with him over and over is not going to get him to change his behavior. That’s already been proven.

He needs a girlfriend or wife who puts his relationship with his four year old daughter on a pedestal because he lost his other two kids. That pain is driving his behavior now. You’re not accepting that and it’s making you crazy upset and breakup-slap happy. You need someone who is in a similar parenting situation to yours, who is an empty nester and has time to focus on the second half of life with a new wife where all the kids have either gone off to college, left home for their own adult lives, or are just about to. A father with a four year old is a completely different animal.

Let him go and find someone who is more compatible. All the good features this guy has are not enough if raising his daughter without you comes first. Accept the facts — you’ll be hurt by the rejection for a short time, and then you’ll realize it’s not personal. It’s an incompatibility.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter. 😀

[katdawg]

i agree let him go. your friends are right when they say you are not priority and nor should you be. he has a child he has an opportunity to raise and be a part of its life. that child, not you, needs his undivided attention and for him to be a father to her. it will lessen the likelihood that she get into “trouble” sexually as a young teen. if you are incapable of taking a back seat to her then you should move on. i hope i am not coming across mean but with the best interest of that “child” in mind.

[smartsexy007]

Hi,

I was reading your story and can completely identify with it. I am dating a man for almost 2yrs with 2 children (I have only one daughter) and although our children are the same age and get along (9yr old daughter and his son is 7) I also have been feeling really crappy about the fact that his x has been switching around the custody arrangement lately (because she is taking the kids out of the country for two weeks in June) and I have had NO TIME with him for a few weeks now. We have been fighting like crazy as well.

I think what I am realizing is although it seemed like a good idea to be a single mom with kids dating other men who have children…I think its much less heartache to find a guy with no children who can give me all the attention I need at this point in my life. I know you love him and all but think about down the line….I am 44yrs old…YOU deserve to be happy with someone who will make YOU a priority NOW! 🙂

Too much baby Mamma drama as well.

[April Masini]

Single-parent dating is definitely more complicated than dating without kids. It requires a lot of understanding, compassion, flexibility, and growth. 😀 [b]Smartsexy007[/b] — I’d advise you to hang in there. It’s understandable that your boyfriend is stressed that his ex-wife is taking the children out of the country for a few weeks, and so the custody schedule has become chaotic before the trip — but remember, the kids will be gone for two weeks, and you may get some quality time with him, alone, while his kids are with their mother.

Of course, if this isn’t just a period of several weeks that you’ve been fighting, and you really feel that you can’t make it work with him, then your idea of trying to date someone with no kids, is an interesting one — but a single guy without kids, who wants to date a single mother with a 7 year old and a 9 year old — may also have his own “baggage”, too.

Since you’ve invested two years in the relationship and a lot works, consider what the problems you’re having REALLY are before you move on and possibly take those problems with you into another relationship. 😉

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