[jw1979]

My wife has recently told me that, on a business trip a few years ago, she was raped in her hotel room. She was awoken by a noise in her room and saw an intruder undressing. She immediately realised what he had in mind. As she was afraid of being harmed, she waited until he pulled back the covers, lay back with her eyes shut, and “presented” herself for him. He apparently just laughed when he saw this, called her a whore, and got into bed. She silently endured a short and frantic first rape, followed by a protracted second rape where he kept stopping on the point of ejaculation until the urge passed, just to make it last longer. Afterwards, when she was sure he had gone, she washed herself thoroughly. The next day, she visited a clinic to get a morning after pill and, to my shock, processed with her all-day business meeting. And, unknown to me, she visited our own doctor for some weeks afterwards to check for STDs. I recall her being tense and us having no sex life at that point, but I put it down to stress at her work.

When she told me all these years later, it was clear to me that she was genuinely upset, but I personally have to admit to some shock myself at how she handled it. I know she is a strong and level headed woman and, when she explained her reasoning, it’s hard to fault it – she let him rape her to avoid harm, there was no evidence of violence, or of sexual activity at all as she’d washed away any DNA evidence, there was little of no chance of catching the rapist (assuming the police would even be interested – she was in one of the less safe East European counties at the time – apologies if that’s considered an -ism or a -phobia, but that’s the way it is). And, if she’d described the sequence of events that I have above, her lack of a struggle would just see the whole incident dismissed as as one night stand or, more damningly, prostitution. So rather than see her reputation damaged, and possibly her career too, she decided there was no point in pursuing it.

I can understand this, but I am stunned at how she could be so analytical in the moment. Being raped should be the most horrific thing to ever happen to a woman. She just calmly lay there and let this animal have his way – twice – then pretty much airbrushed the whole incident from her mind. I know this shouldn’t be about me or stupid male pride, but all I can see in my mind is this scumbag pulling down the blankets, my wife presenting her sex to him, him laughing as he mounts her and energetically violates her – and all the time her just lying their quietly with her eyes shut waiting for him to climax and insult her body further with his semen. And the next day it’s just a case of popping a pill to stop any of his sperm hitting the bullseye, then back to business-as-usual? Obviously I wouldn’t have wanted to see her harmed, but surely some resistance should have been offered? He didn’t appear to have a weapon, she could have screamed as there were others in the hotel – how could she just accept rape so meekly?

[April Masini]

I’m sorry for your wife’s ordeal, and yours, as well. Many people don’t realize that the rape victim is not the only victim in this crime. Your own pain is very important. I can hear you’re struggling to make sense of what happened, and the way you learned about it. It is very difficult to not have been informed when it happened and to now have to second guess everything and wonder if there weren’t measures that should have been taken. Ultimately, the bottom line is that you were not there, and she did the best she could under a terrible circumstance. She is probably going through a similar thought process, wondering what she could have done differently, and possibly blaming herself. It’s very, very difficult to put yourself in someone else’s shoes in this particular circumstance.

I think it’s good that you’re thinking about this and talking about it. Better yet, would be to talk to her about it. More than once. More than twice, and more than three times. This is a very difficult topic, and you’re both going to process this at different rates in different ways. You may project your anger about what happened onto each other, instead of where it belongs — onto the rapist — because it’s easier to lash out. You may act angry instead of sad. Or you may feel like you’re the victim because she withheld information and she was cavalier about what happened. The important thing is to understand that she was raped and you are devastated. Everything after that is derivative.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any more questions.

[jw1979]

Thanks for the advice, April. Of course you’re right – I guess I just need time to get my head round it. For her, it happened years ago, but for me it might as well have happened yesterday. And it is completely not her fault – if she’d struggled she could have suffered serious injury. So, much as it hurts to know my wife made it as easy as possible for her rapist to penetrate her and have intercourse, I know deep down it does not constitute consent in any way. I have more difficulty with her actions the next day, being able to go through a long day of business meetings hours after having been raped twice and knowing that, despite taking emergency contraception, it had happened at her most fertile time of the month and there was still a chance of pregnancy – I guess that reaction in itself might have been a form of denial. I agree we have a lot to talk through, and I do take your point that, however traumatic this is for me, it has been infinitely worse for her – not only having suffered the attack but having bottled it up this long. I promise that I will do my best not to be judgemental and to give her the support she deserves.

[April Masini]

I know you’re thinking of the rape as the rapist having had intercourse with your wife, but that’s not really what it was — it was a criminal act. He broke into her room, and forced herself on her, even if she chose to try and “play dead” to avoid being hurt. When you’re with your wife, it’s different. It’s about making love, and having sex with your wife. Of course things are going to be different for a while while you process what is so easy to read and write, and so much more difficult to live, but be kind to each other, and remember that she did the best she could under the circumstances.

Keep talking — to her, to your friends, to your family — and keep surrounding yourselves with people who are supportive. Anyone who’s cavalier doesn’t get it, and you should disconnect and find those who do.

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