Distance and Marriage

[lalaaur]

My boyfriend an I have been in a long distance relationship for almost two years. My boyfriend and I have discussed marriage in the past and he said he believes in marriage and that he wants to get married and have a family one day. Recently, when he visited, he indicated that he is not sure if he wants to get married. I asked why and he said that he has been looking around at how high the divorce rate is.I asked him if it is that he does not want to be married to me, he said it’s not about me. I was concerned because I want to get married eventually and i thought we were on the same page. A month later i spoke to him via messages about my concerns . He said that he still felt the same way about marriage. I told him that i am worried because the only way to end the distance between us is to get married, we obviously cannot have a long distance relationship forever. Another month later,I messaged him again about my concerns and he brushed me off and said that he is busy with work. I was upset because I felt like he didn’t care enough to discuss this important issue. After that conversation he messaged me a few days later acting like if everything was okay. I did not reply. A week later he messaged me asking if i have forgotten him I said no, the he told me about all the work he has been doing . It’s been two weeks and i haven’t heard from him since and i have not tried contacting him. My question is, what do i do? I love him and he claims that he loves me. Do I end the relationship or stick around in hopes that he changes his mind?

[April Masini]

It’s a shame that you’ve been dating for two years before he told you that he doesn’t want to marry — but at least he’s being clear with you so you can decide what’s right for you, now. 😉 Knowing that he’s clear in his decision at age 34 (thanks to your pre-posting questionnaire), should be a signal to you that there’s a compatibility problem. You want marriage and he doesn’t. You’re clear and he’s clear. Instead of trying to talk him into something he doesn’t want, why not accept it? If marriage is important to you, then you have to find someone who wants marriage.

I know you love each other, but the sticking point is marriage. If you want to stay together because of love, and give up on marriage you can continue to date him long distance, but I think you’re going to have a hard time giving up on marriage, and you’ll spend your time trying to convince him to marry you, and it’s going to push him away and subsequently, end the relationship. 😳

As for the long-distance relationship situation, you mentioned in your pre-posting questionnaire that you see each other three times a year because of the distance, so that means you’ve had six visits together in total. If you choose to date someone who is in town and not long distance, you may learn more about him more quickly because of the frequency of dates that you just didn’t have in the long-distance relationship. I think that you should go for what you want — love and marriage — but understand you won’t get it from him. You’ll have to find someone else who wants both.

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