[Jantina]

I had my real first love when I was 15 in high school. and it was reciprocated (within limitations of age. It was disencouraged by my parents and we both moved on before anything flourished. After 40 odd years, I come across hm again. He is divorced and so am I.

He lives 7 hours drive away. We speak almost every night and the fire is still kindled and when he came to visit it was lovely. But he seems to want to have the phone as a tool of communication. I am very lonely but not desperate. In one way distance is safe but on the other time can change things too. I am hesitant cause I know I never stopped loving him in a way but I had moved on with my life and so did he.

His youngest boy is 12 and he does spend time with him and I think thats wonderful but I had mentioned that because he has been to my place, maybe I could go to his but and this is the awkward part, he baulked at the idea. I could hear it in his voice. I don’t phone him every night except leave a message on his mobile and wait to see if he contacts me and he does almost evey night (actually he initiates it) but always late at night. I come home from work and I am tired and that is too late for me and I have asked if we could talk earlier but he doesnt phone then

Quite frankly I’m not sure what I’m asking. I suppose I just want someone to agree with me and keep distance safe and see what the future brings or am I being paranoid??

[April Masini]

It sounds like what you’re trying to ask me is if there is potential for a real relationship with your high school boyfriend, 40 years later. My answer is yes — but you’re going to have to do a little work first, to find out how far he’s willing to go to make something work.

If he’s calling you every night, that’s a good thing — he wants to talk to you and he’s making it clear. I understand that you are tired at the end of a work day, and would rather talk to him when you’re not tired. The fact that he doesn’t respond to your verbal request isn’t a big deal. Some people respond to actions more than they do words. This is where [i]you[/i] have to change [i]your [/i]behavior: Don’t pick up the phone when you’re tired. (If you’re worried that you may be missing an emergency call, then get a phone that displays the readout of the phone number of the incoming call before you pick up. That way you can see if the incoming call is an emergency or not. But don’t pick up if you’re tired. Period.)

It’s fine to return his call — but do it on your agenda and give him a little thrill when you do return his call. Wait to call him back until you’re not tired, even if that’s a few days later. When you do talk to him again, be effervescent, enticing, inviting and make him feel so happy he’s talking to you. Sometimes less is more. And if you’re too available, he doesn’t have anything to chase and conquer. Men love chasing women and feeling like they’ve won something. If you’re too available, he may take you for granted, so practice boundaries, and making yourself chase-able.

In fact, make him feel so good talking to you that he’ll really want to see you — in spite of 7 hours distance. You need to entice him a little. Or a lot. Again, this is part of dating, and it would do you good to get my book, Think & Date Like A Man, by clicking on the Dating Advice Books link above, and scrolling down to that book. You can purchase it online. It’s a pretty quick read, and you’ll learn a lot that is going to absolutely help you in this situation — so don’t waste time. This guy sounds like he has a lot of potential for you.

If you’re successful, and you do manage to tempt him into wanting to see you, don’t worry if your home is the one that becomes the base for dating. If he is willing to drive or fly to see you, and things are going well, compromise, by having your home the one where he picks you up and takes you out from, rather than making it 50-50 his house, your house. For now, that dynamic is totally fine. There’s a chapter in Think & Date Like A Man about making your home a place he really wants to be. Your home is an extension of your self. So it’s okay for him to be at your home for now. You’re just dating. Like I said, for now.

And keep in mind your goal: you are interested and wanting to date him to see if there is enough there between the two of you to forge a monogamous, loving relationship that is long term, now that you’re both available again.

[Jantina]

Thanks April,
I have acutally started not answering his calls and he has for the first time phoned me this morning before I go to work. Yeah!! I will get this book. I have a feeling I need it as I havent been down this path for a very long time. Many thanks again. I will take into consideration everything you have said. and it does make me feel a bit better.
Cheers, Jantina

[April Masini]

Let me know how things are going for you…. 😀

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