Do I still have a chance

[footballpro87]

Much like everyone else I am in a very tricky situation. I am a male 23 and my ex female is 24. A little over a month ago I broke up with my ex girlfriend of over four years. Just like any relationship we had our ups and downs. We had many arguments and obstacles but at the end of the day we loved each other deeply and were truly best friends. We saw eachother nearly everyday and spoke everyday throughout the day.

We are both in college. I was convinced that the single life was a one way ticket to freedom and happiness. She was DEVASTATED and I mean truly devastated. My first week of being single I thought I was happier, however I noticed that I wasn’t attracted anymore to the girls who I thought I could hook up with as a single guy. It hit me like a ton of bricks how much I missed this girl and how much she meant to me. I also told her when I dumped her that I thought I had feelings for another girl. I learned after a week that I made such a stupid mistake, I don’t have feelings for another girl and I just dropped the love of my life. I made a young mans mistake and the saying you don’t know what you got till it’s gone is coming with me to the grave.

That week I tried desperately to get her back, called her crying, sent love letters and flowers. She said she needed time and space. On a Sunday morning I decided to go to her house to give her one of the letters I wrote. I went trying to talk but figured she wouldn’t want to talk to me. When she saw me her eyes got teary and asked why I was there. I asked if she could talk and she asked again why I was there so I left her the letter instead saying how sorry I am and how much I love her. Later that day she texted me thanking me for the letter and carried on with a friendly conversation but mentioned that she wanted time and space.

After 5 days I acted impulsively and called her to ask what happened to our facebook pictures together. She didn’t answer my call. She texted me and asked what I wanted. I told her I wanted to know what happened to the pics and if we could talk. She insisted that there is nothing to talk about and that we are done, she wants to be single. She said she knows I’m sorry and forgives me but insisted that she means what she said. She said I’m great but the relationship was too stressful. She told me that I need to be happy without her. She added we can’t be friends now or any time in the near future.

The day after in which she told me she wants to be single I had flowers sent to her work. I wouldn’t have ordered them knowing that’s how she felt, but I ordered them a few days in advance so they got delivered. She texted me asking why I sent her flowers and she felt bad I spent the time and money on them. I told her “I ordered them Monday and replied, ‘whatever, I didn’t want to make matters worse”. She then responded that “You know I don’t like surprises”. Now this may have been a mistake but I told her not to text me anymore and she knows where to find me if she wants to talk. I was just sick and tired of her communicating to me through texts because the night before that’s how she communicated that she wanted to be single. I thought it was cowardly

I stopped all contact for 2 weeks. Thanksgiving happened to be the end of the 2nd week (this past thursday), I called to wish her a happy thanksgiving since this was the first in 4 years we haven’t spent together. I left her a voicemail. I didn’t ask to talk or to see how she was. I simply said I hope all is well and want to wish you and the family a happy thanksgiving. Not surprisingly, I received no response.

We have mutual friends and I have been strong enough to not ask about her when with them, and I expressed through my behavior that I was happy without her.

Now since she told me that she wants to be single and hasn’t reached out to me, are these signs that she is just hurt and wants to figure out if she wants me in my life or should I simply try to forget about her? She never deleted me as a friend from facebook and still has pictures of my cat and many pictures of her from memories that we spent together (I am not in any of these pics though). She never deleted our pictures together, just made the album private. My sister suggested that something is preventing her from deleting the pics and deleting me from facebook.

This girl is great and I would be willing to wait for her but it hurts to agonize over the mistakes and regrets of the past, especially if she is sincere about moving forward. It even hurts to see her facebook updates, so should I delete her from my friend as a facebook to show her that I am moving forward with my life too? I know she loves me but I also know she is stubborn and would force herself not to talk to me even if she has the urge to do so…

It has now been about 5 weeks since we’ve been broken up. It’s been almost a month since she found out I want her back. It’s been almost three weeks since the last time we had any communication and that’s when I told her to stop texting me. People tell me to give her the time and space she needs and I understand that but how much time? I feel like I lost her because she acts like I no longer exist. I feel like she truly doesn’t understand how much I love her and that I would never do that again to her. What should I do??? I can’t give up. We had a very special bond, and I know screwed up but this cannot be the end! The only time she ever wanted to have a conversation with me was after she saw me, I know she still has to have feelings but I can’t just show up at her house again, especially now. What can I do? Thanks!

[April Masini]

I’m sorry, but I think you have to move on just as she is doing. Learn from the mistake you made and take your new knowledge with you into the next relationship you have.

You’ve already made it more than clear that you want her back, and her behavior is speaking volumes. I know you are trying to hold onto any shred of hope, but do yourself a favor and step back to see the bigger picture. After four years it’s hard to move on and sometimes it takes steps over time to delete friends from Facebook, etc. But she has clearly rebuffed your attempts at reconciliation and you’d be wise to accept the break up, take your pain straight up, and get over this broken heart so you can find love again, elsewhere.

I hope this helps, and that you’ll follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook: [url]http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001113133958[/url].

[footballpro87]

Thanks for the honest response but, after 4 years she couldn’t have already have fallen out of love with me could she? If she still has feelings there still is hope, no? There’s really nothing you think I could do?

[Evie]

From reading what you wrote, I think that now, all you can do is to give her time and space. After all, you said she was devastated when you broke up with her. That’s like pouring salt over an open wound, probably even worse than that. She was hurt and most likely to be confused about things and is probably still angry with you breaking up with her. Her actions may be just a way of protecting herself through this time. And I also think that the trust between you two has somewhat shattered. You did say to her that you had feelings for another girl. If she takes you back, how can she trust and be sure that history won’t repeat itself even if you said it won’t? If I were her, I’d be wary about that. But I am not her. But I think that her actions are just a way of protecting herself.

She needs time to figure out things, figure out if she wants to move on or take you back. That’s what I think from reading your story. I wish you good luck.

[April Masini]

I think you’re having a hard time accepting that she’s moving on. After four years, of course there are still feelings. People have feelings after they divorce ending twenty year marriages, but it doesn’t stop them from moving on. I don’t think that pursuing her is going to work — especially on the heels of your breaking up a four year relationship because you wanted your freedom. You have to understand that her devastation was the catalyst for her wanting to move on in her life.

I’m sorry. I know this is hard. Focus on yourself and your own life as a single guy. If she’s at all interested, she’ll make you aware of that, but pursuing her is only going to make her angry now. 😳

[footballpro87]

Ok I have an update, sort of. She texted me yesterday. It may have been an accident but even if it was she still responded back and it was the first time she acknoweldged that I am still alive.

She texted me 2 pictures of her sister casually watching tv, nothing too intriguing about that. Kind of weird she would take those pictures with someone she lives with anyway. So I responded ” I assume that message wasn’t meant for me lol” and she said “Lol yeah sorry”. I responded back “Well make sure it never happens again .. (kidding) ” she said Lol ok. Now I know it’s not much but she joked with me

Some of my friends said that it was no accident and that she was testing the waters. It makes sense because she never accidently texted me in the 4 years we were together. She’s got one of those smartphones, it’s a bit of a process to send a picture message.

If this wasn’t an accident, it’s clear she wants me to do the work. I know it’s impossible to read into this but is this a sign that I try to reach out to her again sometime real soon?

[April Masini]

You’re grasping at straws. 😳 If she wants to date you again, she’ll go out with you. You can ask her out, as you don’t have a lot to lose right now, but don’t waste your time thinking that an accidental text or a polite exchange means she’s ready to be your girlfriend. I think she’s getting over you — but if you prove me wrong, I want to hear about it!! 😉

I hope that helps. See you on Facebook: [url]http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001113133958[/url] and @AskAprilcom on Twitter!

[footballpro87]

April, thanks and even if you are wrong…you’re to credit! LOL You have helped me realize the reality of the situation and I took the pain straight up and feel 10 times more confident because of it. Perhaps even enough confidence to re-attract her.

Now I have an update…

To put things into context.. like I said on Friday I get this random text message from her. Then I look at her facebook page and it has lyrics about young love, missing someone and about how the words “I said to her tore through her look a bullet” ..yadi yadi ya…

Also her facebook status had to do with watching hockey (which I made her become a fan of lol) and her fantasy team! I may be the only one of her friends on facebook that would even remotely care about that. Maybe I’m crazy but it seems like she’s trying to reach out to me without reaching out to me.

Then Sunday (real late) I put some stupid joke on my facebook and the girl liked it on facebook! I am not mad at her but it’s crazy because she acted like I was dead for the past 6 weeks and now my jokes are funny again.

So I texted her with a joke referencing the joke I made on facebook lol.. and I also told her that a band she likes is coming around. thought you’d be interested. She texted me back at 12:30 am saying ‘lol yeah I thought it was funny and then she said I heard they were playing..I said thanks and I knew you liked them.. end of convo

So this is the way I see it

A) Like What you said – After a 4 year relationship, she’s over me in 5 weeks and just wants to be on friendly terms.

B) She’s confused, maybe lonely, and misses me. Doesn’t necessarily want to date me now though

C) She’s so stubborn and shy (which she is) that she won’t initiate conversation but wants to hint to me that she would like to and see what happens

I know you told me to ask her out but I figured maybe some additional information could change your mind. Also, after coming off a four year relationship and knowing how hurt she was I don’t want to take things too fast and reopen any wounds. Does the advice remain the same or should I try to initiate more conversation with her? Maybe try calling her? Thanks again April!

[April Masini]

I think you’re barking up a dead tree here — but if I’m wrong, asking her out will let you know if she’s in or out. Why don’t you read Date Out of Your League, a book I wrote for men looking to win with women? You can buy it here: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url]. It’s got lots of tips and advice for knowing how to get the girl, and if it works on her, great — if not, then it will be great advice for you in your next relationship!

Try it.

[Anonymous]

Thanks April,

I asked her if we could catch up sometime this week and she said she doesn’t think that’s a good idea… 😐 She said maybe in the future but she isn’t sure when. She said she wants to be single. But hey, it is what it is, she told me I’ll always have a special place in her heart so at least that will give me the comfort to move on.

[April Masini]

Re-read this entire chain of posts when you have a chance — and then click on the following link and buy Date Out of Your League, a book for men who want to win with women, that I wrote. I think you’ll really appreciate reading it now that you’re moving on. Here’s the link: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url].

See you on Facebook, [url]http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001113133958[/url], and I hope you’ll follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter.

[carmend]

From reading what you wrote, I think she was not love with you and she doesn’t like nay any surprise or gift so why you are wasting your time and money. I think you forgot her. Because she is not understand your feelings and love. So you can find new girls for friendship.

[April Masini]

[b]carmend[/b] gave you good advice! 🙂 I hope you’ll give yourself the gift of Date Out of Your League so you can get all the tips and advice for winning in a relationship! Here’s that link: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url].

See you @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001113133958[/url]. 😀

[Anonymous]

Ah, Footballpro….

Sounds like you’ve made one of those huge ‘live and learn’ mistakes that take you down the path to maturity. It also sounds like you’re hoping someone will tell you what you want to hear on one of two fronts. You want to be told that a. you should hold out hope and keep trying to win her back a la John Cusack in “Say Anything”, or b. you should walk away and never look back because she’s never going to want you again.

The problem is, no one can take the responsibility of how you proceed out of your hands. You don’t trust yourself after making the original mistake of dumping her, so you seem to be avoiding making another mistake at all costs. The trouble is, no one really knows your heart or hers, so no one can really tell you what to do except you.

So, it looks to me like there are a couple of likely scenarios to consider…

a. you keep chasing her with grand gestures of your love in the hopes of breaking down her barriers and realizing her love for you so you can both live happily ever after together
b. you keep chasing her with grand gestures of your love and she continually rejects you with you endlessly wondering if the next time will be the defining moment where she realizes her undying love for you so you can both live happily ever after together
c. you move on and live in constant regret and worry that you should have worked harder to win her back as perhaps she was waiting for you to chase her with grand gestures… etc…
d. you move on and you both live happily ever after — with different people

But here’s the thing… no one can tell you which way you should go or how things will turn out. Your very best bet, in my opinion, is to proceed by following your heart, while respecting her wishes. You’ve told her how you feel and she is either not interested or still too hurt to give you another chance. Her not deleting you from Facebook, etc… isn’t a massive sign of anything except that she obviously cared deeply for you. It doesn’t necessarily mean she wants to again.

If you really want to make sure she understands that you’ve realized you’re an idiot and that you will never hurt her like that again, go ahead and write a letter or ask her if you can meet in person for closure. You have to go into it with the intention of apologizing and letting her know your action was one of immaturity and not her fault in any way. BUT — you do not go into this trying to convince her to get back together (that is likely to just make her feel pressured and keep rebuffing your advances). Tell her how wonderful you think she is and that you’ll always regret what you did and you wish her nothing but the best.

That’s it.

Don’t text her, leave her messages, contact her on holidays or anything else, as impossible as that might feel.

As for you moving on, it truly sounds like that isn’t something you need to rush into. If you jump into something with someone else, while still hoping you will eventually get back together with her, you will not only compound the hurt with her, but you’ll very likely create hurt with a new person too.

Take your time and don’t add more people to the scenario until you feel you’re really ready, which means you’ve let go of your ex and are ready to move on to the degree that if your ex said she wanted you back, you would quite possibly turn her down.

This might be the grandest gesture of love you can make, but even if you don’t ever win her back, at least you’ll know you acted with maturity in the end without turning her off by making her think you’re holding out for her or chasing her.

Good luck, whatever you decide!

[April Masini]

[b]slyby13[/b] gave you very empathetic advice! I hope you’ll read Date Out of Your League — it’s really going to help you. Here’s that link again: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url].

See you @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001113133958[/url].

[Author]

Posts