[relationshipa1]

So long story short my ex of a year and I broke up a little over a month ago. I was completely devastated and still am. We had a big fight and then broke up the next day. We didn’t speak to each other for 3 weeks. He ignored me the one time he saw me at the bar, which killed me. Then an unfortunate event happened to a loved one of mine (a coma) and he found out about it through mutual friends. He contacted me. I went to his place and we talked about this and that. We had your “closure” talk. He said that everything he does is a front. That he does still like me, does really miss me and still thinks of me often regardless of how he had been acting. But didn’t know if its because he really did or it was just familiar feelings. He thought distance was the best and that’s why he hadn’t spoken to me for such a long time. His reason for breaking up – He said he wanted to do his own thing. I obviously had to accept that as much as it hurt. I’ve never felt like i’ve held him back from anything. Our relationship was very understanding and playful. But sometimes I felt that he tip toed on the line of “I really like her, but I don’t know if I want something serious” even though he never said anything I would just get random vibes. I told him I wasn’t able to be friends because it was all too painful for me and that it was all or nothing. He understood and realized that it would take time. The hard part is that we live in a small town and that we have the same friend circle. I have to watch from a distance and unfortunately I hear about his whereabouts and ongoings without even asking. I have felt like I can’t even go out without seeing him and right now im too devastated and fragile to deal with a social environment with him in it. Also doesnt make it easy that he shops at the store i work at so I’m forced to see him at least once a week. So far hes doing the same thing he did before…just without me. I havent brought myself from deleting him from my facebook…i should because i check his page every day and it doesnt make me feel any better. But i guess its normal to hang on to some bit of hope after a breakup. Its not my first break up but he is the first man I’ve ever really loved.

So after that 3 week period of no contact (besides when he shopped at my work) and the closure talk….
A week later i get emails from him saying he wanted to bring me lunch to my work and that he wanted to still get me a b-day gift (even though it was over a month ago…we were suppose to take a trip together). I politely declined and explained that i felt it inappropriate and much too painful to want/receive anything from him. He said he still wanted to get me something. I had to then be a little bit more blunt with my words. He said he thought he was pushing to be friends too fast but that it was hard on him and distance would be the best option. (He still brought me lunch…my favorite…go figure) We didnt talk for a little over a week and half. I then contacted him about the death of my good friend (who was in a coma). He said for me to come to his place. I was feeling horrible that day and still hadn’t even cried. So i went to his place. ( I know WRONG!) I needed his comfort. The moment i saw him i burst into tear and I cried to him for a long time. He held me and wiped away my tears. caressed my body, held me tight, kissed my cheeks and forehead and said very thoughtful things. I fell asleep in his arms. He didnt let go of me the entire night. We were inseparable. He held me so close. All morning we cuddled and afternoon until he had to get ready for work. When i left i told him I missed him and he said he missed me too and to let him know if i needed anything at all or just to talk. He hasn’t contacted me since and that was a week ago. Not even to check in on me to see if I am doing ok with the loss of my good friend. I’m really hurt. I just don’t understand if he says he still cares for me so much then why not even see how im doing with the whole thing? I know that night was more than just consoling, it was. The way he held me and touched me. and yes maybe because it was familiar but it felt like he genuinely felt good doing it and missed it, as did I. Does he know what he wants?? Are these mixed signals or what?? Im so tired of reading into everything he says or does because hes such an introverted person with his feelings and doesnt talk about them or act on them. I just feel as though hes been very up and down. Ignore me. Not talk to me. Act like nothing happened. Contact me. not contact me. have me sleepover. Cuddle me. ignore me. I’m tired of hurting but i just miss him so much. Its an unbearable feeling. I love this man but I will not gravel and beg at his feet to be with me…which is why I havent been contacting him. I thought space was best and that maybe he might come around and realize what hes lost. Is there any way to get him back at all? does he know what he even wants? and are these mixed signals?? Please help, im at a loss and I’m pretty sure my friends are sick of hearing me try to figure it out and analyze it…which i need to stop doing but its hard not to since i’m not over the breakup or him and the fact that I can’t stop loving this man.

[April Masini]

Sometimes when you’re too close to something, you can’t see the whole picture. Take a step back. Your boyfriend is all over the place, but mostly, he’s not that interested in you – at least not enough to be your boyfriend again. You want him to be different, so you’re ignoring the signals along the way.

For instance, you wrote that you felt during the relationship he was tiptoeing up to the line of being really serious and perhaps wasn’t sure if he wanted to have a future with you. Listen to those “vibes” you said he was sending you. You’re not imagining them. He was not sure at that time about how serious he wanted to be with you.

When you finally broke up, he didn’t try to get you back — in fact he didn’t talk to you for 3 weeks. And when he saw you at the bar, post-break up, he ignored you. Again, he doesn’t want to rekindle the romance. He had figured out that this break up was the right thing for him, and he’s been honoring that.

He decided to try to be friends, but that was it. Just friends. And you were right to not want to be friends because you’re not over him the way he is over you. It would be too painful for you to be his friend.

When your friend died, and you went to your ex-boyfriend for comfort — you already know that was a mistake, but go easy on yourself because you were grieving — your ex gave you genuine comfort, but that was it. You mistook the chaste overnight for something it wasn’t because you hoped there was more there than there was, or is.

He really hasn’t led you on. You’re the one who’s leading yourself on. I’m sorry to be harsh, but the truth is he’s over you, and you’re hurt. He [i]does[/i] know what he wants. And so do you. But they’re two different things. You want him, and he wants to move on.

I think that cutting off from him as much as possible, given that it’s a small town, will help you move on. (Don’t be his friend on Facebook.) In the meantime, be kind to yourself, and that means surrounding yourself with true friends and family who really want to support your healing and moving on to date other men, at this time. When you’re ready, get my book, Think & Date Like A Man, and use it to start getting out in the dating world. You will find someone who wants to be with you forever, but you’re going to have to get over Mr. Wrong, first.

[Author]

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