Does he like me?

[moumou764]

Hi,

I am having difficult interpreting the behavior of a man I work with who is a few years older than me. I hold an assistant role and although he is not my boss, he is essentially supervising me.
We got on very well at the start, had chemistry and often felt like there was a connection between us. after about 6 months, he asked me to an event I knew work colleagues going to but he had no intention for us to meet them which I did not relaize until we got there, therefore I was not prepared for a ‘date’ situation. Hedidn’t actually try anything on but indicated he liked me afterward through suggestive text messages.
Before he left for the Summer he started giving me the silent treatment and became irritable, saying he didn’t know what I thought or felt, I was a closed person etc and when asked what he meant, just said ‘you know what I mean’. As we were talking about work, I felt stupid to assume that it could be about him liking me so said that I didn’t know’
Back at work, I asked him out for a drink. He said yes but he was busy that night and we could do it another time. I said next weekend. He did not reply or mention it all week at work. On the weekend he contacted me about work. I said he was rude to ignore our plans. He replied a long message which did not make a lot of sense in relation to what I was complaining about. It was along the lines of me being closed again and that he is always there for me (he indicated that he was concerned I had a day off that week) and I was misinterpreting things and practically threatened my job. His response make no sense to what I was saying and he refused to talk anymore about it, laughing it off when I went into work on Monday, calling me ‘strange’.
Overall our relationship (whatever type you want to call it) exists by me listening to his moans and problems. But if I moan, I am told to stop thinking about it. He contradicts my opinions, especially if it relates to him. He will speak on the phone for an hour + if he is upset but if he’s ok I will not hear from him. He has always told me that he looks out for me and that I can rely on him and talk to him about anything.
One day I walked in to the office laughing with a male colleague and the rest of the day he gave me the silent treatment. The next day he was fine. Then we had a work event and he did not speak to me all night. At the end of the night the male colleague from the few days earlier offered me a lift home and I accepted, when I looked up he was staring at me as if I had just killed his mother! The next day (last day before holidays) he was overly nice and supportive of me.
His behavior makes no sense and I do not know how to interpret it. Does he like me? Did he ever like me? Why would a person be so nice one day and then not speak at all the next?? I am very confused and feel mentally tired trying to keep up.
I do not say anything to him about what he is doing as I do not want to cause friction at work and I don’t think he will answer me anyway.
I really want to know where I stand but do not trust his behavior to feel confident enough to ask him. I do not want to be rejected and then have to work with him.
Maybe an important point is that he is from the Mediterranean so there is a culture difference. Also his English is very formal and I suspect there is often crossed wires.
Please help me interpret what is going on in his mind!!

[April Masini]

Yes, he likes you, but why do you like him? 😕

He liked you enough to ask you out to a work event, but after that date, you didn’t let him chase you. You asked him out! 😥 I never advise women to do the asking out because it leads them to be confused more often than not — and that’s just for starters. Men really do want to be the ones to do the pursuing when it comes to romance and dating. When you ask him out, you take that opportunity away from him, making him feel less enthused about dating you than he would have been if he’d been the one to do the asking out.

The other problem you’re having is that although he likes you, he doesn’t like you enough to put your needs ahead of his or even make your needs equal to his. He seems to put his own needs first by wanting you to be there for him, but he isn’t there for you. Your example of his phone calls serve to show that point. So, yes, he likes you — but why would you want to be with a man who isn’t generous or giving emotionally? 🙄

You’re mistakenly blaming your own lack of confidence on his behavior. Your confidence is your responsibility. If you lack confidence it isn’t his fault. Confidence comes from the sum total of your life experience in the real world, so my advice to you is to brave your fears, face rejection, and start putting yourself out there to date men who aren’t just in your office, but are in your neighborhood, are friends of your friends, and are even guys you meet on online dating sites.

The more experience you have dating, the more confident you’ll become about your own needs, and what you’re willing to put up with, what you feel you deserve, what your dating goals are, and what you have to offer a man. Sounds pretty great, right? You would really benefit from my book called Think & Date Like A Man written for women who need guidance in dating. You can download the book immediately, for $15.95, here [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url].

After you read this book, and start dating with getting Mr. Right as your goal, you’ll realize that this guy’s pattern of hot and cold behavior is just his own expression of personal insecurity about what he wants and what he’s willing to give to you, and you won’t be interested in someone who’s that insecure. You’ll be more secure and confident, and you’ll want a man who’s equally or more secure and confident than yourself.

So get downloading, and then get reading! I hope this advice and reading my book help you! 😀

[moumou764]

Hi April,

Thank you for your reply! I don’t think I explained the beginning part very well (Sorry, its seems a lot has happened and is difficult to condense).

This whole thing has been happening over the course of the 12 months since we met and I started working there. He did not speak to me for the first 2 weeks and subsequently told me it was because he was ‘overwhelmed’ by me being there…He also has been doing his ‘silent treatment’ on me before he even asked me out.

He asked me to the work event 6 months after we met. As I said before he did not indicate it was for a date as I knew the other people were also going. I even gave him money for my ticket as I was that oblivious! I mean you would give a friend money for your ticket so of course I would give one to a work colleague. It was this night that we indicated we were interested in each other (through the texts I told you about before) but he did nothing..no more dates, only a little bit of flirting and a couple more texts. I let him do the chasing!!

It was the 6 weeks between our ‘date’ and him going on his summer holiday for 1 month that he really started him irritable behavior and silent treatments.I had made it clear I liked him in my texts. Of course at work I was professional but he didn’t ask me out.

I did not ask him for the drink until 5 months later!! I also asked him in a casual sense..’oh I am in the area seeing a friend if you are around afterward?’ …then the rest of the story is the same.

Do you still think the same now that you know the drink was 5 months later and he had plenty of time to ask me out himself? Plus my asking out was casual, not a date.

He is generally a moody person and maybe slightly eccentric but we got on well and I gave him opportunity to ask me out properly. Seeing as he is behaving like he still likes me then why does he not ask me out? Could it be that he is somehow unsure of me?

Seems crazy that a person would behave like this and not bother to try and make something happen…

Anyway, thank you for your advice so far and if you think the same after the clearer details then I am dumbfounded that any person could be bothered to behave like this! 😕

[April Masini]

Sorry, but I stand by my advice I originally gave you — and even more so since you have clarified that “the date” he asked you out on was not even a real date! He invited you to a work event, and you paid for your ticket! 🙁 You should not have followed up that “date” with your asking him out five months later. And I understand that you’re trying to water down the “date” you asked him out on, but when you invite your boss to a bar for a drink with friends, it’s not work — it’s social. You should not be doing the asking out, no matter how casual you think the date is — especially in circumstances where the man has shown no real sign of wanting to date you.

I know that the above sentence may confuse you, based on your posts, so let me explain. If a man wants to ask you out on a date, he will. And that is the way you’ll know he wants to date you. It’s really that simple! 🙂

You are the one who is trying to confuse yourself by pretending that he wants to ask you out — when he hasn’t done so. The reality is that his behavior is only confusing if you ignore the facts. Whether or not YOU think his behavior is crazy, he absolutely knows how to ask you on a date, and hasn’t. Stop being dumbfounded about his behavior, and focus on your own. 😉

YOU need to get out of the office and start looking for men who are interested in you enough to take you out and pursue a real relationship. Don’t spend any more time pursuing — or even thinking about this guy who isn’t stepping up to the plate. Make your life one that’s successful romantically. That means ignoring the guys who aren’t into you, and focusing on those who are!

[moumou764]

Hi April,
I really think I have confused the situation for you! I always try to cut the story short but by doing so I do not explain properly. Sorry about that.
It definitely seems like a date. It was not a work event in the typical way. It was a music concert that some people from work were going to (me and the man in question were not) to celebrate an ex co-worker coming to visit. During lunch I mentioned the concert and band who were playing were a band I would like to see. He said he wanted to go and would I like to go with him. At this point I thought he was referring to us going along with the people from work. He was not in work the two days before the concert and I left the money for the ticket in his work folder. When we went to the concert and I mentioned the others, he did not want to meet them, rather us to stay alone. Obviously at this point I thought ‘oh no, the money!!’
On the Monday he found the money and offended, giving it back to me.
I told a girl at work that I was going to the concert after he mentioned it and he told me the next week that I should not have told her and that our personal life is private. (I found out later that this girl had been pursuing him).
2 weeks earlier he asked me to go to a summer bbq a friend was having at her house. I should say that I find it difficult to read between the lines.
About 6 weeks later he went to his home country for summer. Between the concert/bbq and then we flirted, had flirty texts etc and he also became irritable and giving me the silent treatments as I mentioned in my first message. What I haven’t mentioned before was that I was on holiday in his home city, he arranged for us to meet up and he introduced me to his two best friends.
Coming back from the summer he made comments to me indicating that I was not getting his point and that I was being ‘blind’ and ‘closed’ to him. That is why I asked him casually for the drink as I thought it would show me ‘getting his point’ and ‘opening up’. I have already explained how he wanted to go but then didn’t mention it and then became defensive when I brought it up.
Anyway, I completely get your point that if men want to ask you out they would just ask you.
What I am wondering is how can someone who seemed to be asking me out socially and who has been and still is behaving like he is jealous and frustrated not ask me out properly. He doesn’t like me talking to other men at work, this is when he gives me the silent treatment. Also, apparently he has not been out with anyone from work since he has been there (3 yrs) so people were shocked that he has taken me anywhere.
Maybe I have got this all wrong but too many people (majority of those who do not know we have even been out alone) have commented on his behavior for us all to be wrong.
I have probably made this too confusing for you now. Tells me that if I am going to tell my story I should not worry about length or boring people but give ALL the information. 🙂

[April Masini]

In response to your original statement, “I really want to know where I stand but do not trust his behavior to feel confident enough to ask him. I do not want to be rejected and then have to work with him.”

You will never know where you stand with someone who’s behavior you don’t trust. Think about it. It’s impossible. And better yet, (and again) why would you want to date someone who’s behavior you don’t trust?? 😕

If you don’t want to be rejected by him, then don’t go out with him because rejection is part of dating. People date in order to figure out what they do and don’t like about one another, and then make their own judgment about whether or not they want to continue dating them.

Your original question, “Does he like me?” is impossible to answer if you don’t trust his behavior. Because that’s all you have to go on!

And in your latest post you asked, “What I am wondering is how can someone who seemed to be asking me out socially and who has been and still is behaving like he is jealous and frustrated not ask me out properly.” The answer is that this guy CAN ask you out properly if he wants to, but he doesn’t want to. Otherwise he would.

He’s got a lot of personal problems, and since you’re not really dating him, are engaged to him, are married to him or are divorced from him, his personal problems don’t really belong to you. They’re his. The only question you have to answer is: Do I want to date him? And if your answer is yes, wait for an invitation!

[katdawg]

oh my,,,,the OP is really confused within herself. maybe dating shouldn’t be on the agenda right now but some real deep soul searching. confusion doesn’t reside where someone is strong and sure of herself and what she wants and doesn’t want. when all those things are present within yourself there is never any confusion. everything IS simply, “Do I really want this in my life?” YES OR NO?

[April Masini]

Boy, Katdawg, I think you’re right! A lot of times when people post and their posts are confusing to read, it’s because the person posting the question is so confused internally. Relationships and emotions can really make a person’s head spin! 😆

Often, writing down a problem and then reading it back, or telling someone a problem you’re having, and trying to hear yourself as you’re speaking, can help lessen confusion. Or other times, having someone like myself, or other readers respond makes the poster realize where they are confused, themselves — and [i]the process[/i] can help clear up the confusion.

Discussing problems here in this Q&A Forum can be very helpful for not just the person posting — but everyone else reading who recognizes some part of that specific problem in their own lives.

[katdawg]

Heck yeah! When I first joined this forum I was VERY confused myself. I’ve done a lot of soul searching, research, and reading countless relationship help books, including yours. When I respond to the posters and give my thoughts/advice something would click within myself and I realize I should be taking my own advice.

What is interesting with this topic is that the subject is so simple. Does he like me? I am wondering why ask a bunch of strangers and why not just go to the person directly and ask him what his intentions are? But putting thoughts out there to find out other perspectives is such a luxury these days. I love this site!

[April Masini]

And I love that you’re on the site!! 😀

Your insights are really helpful to so many readers.

Thank you for being so honest.

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