Does this sound messed up?

[relationshipa1]

I went on a date with this guy a while back…I figured we should be friends at the end of it. He was cool although wanted to do more. Since then we’ve hung out a fair amount just as friends. Although, now he’s kind of my cuddle buddy. We don’t do anything else just cuddle and talk. He’s told me he likes me and I told him I like him too but just as a friend. Am I just asking for trouble hanging out with him so much? I don’t want to string him along even though i’ve made it very clear we’re just friends. I stayed over at his house a few times overnight just sleeping next to him and cuddling. Is this too weird of a relationship to have with someone? I love it but I know it sounds weird. It’s kinda just what I needed right now. He’s been really cool about it and we’ve turned into really good friends.

[April Masini]

If you’re sleeping in the same bed as your cuddle buddy, eventually, you’re going to have sex with him. Trust me. He definitely wants to have sex with you, and is hoping that you’ll eventually become more than just a friend who shares a bed and a cuddle with him. You may be using him as a crutch because you don’t have a boyfriend so you’re not lonely. The reason this is a bad idea is that it may prevent you from being available to someone who’s a really great, compatible guy.

Allow yourself to be single rather than to sleep and cuddle with a guy you dated and rejected as Mr. Right. You’re wasting your time and his.

[katdawg]

OR! this sounds so familiar. this same situation happened to my friend a long time ago. she always thought he was virgin because that’s all he wanted to do was cuddle. turned out he was in the closet. he was either covering it up because he was ashamed of who he was so he had to have a front to his friends and family. they even touched/fondled and kissed but it never went to intercourse. she thought it was the sweetest thing. but that went on longer than she would have liked and ended the relationship. about a year ago i ran into him arm and arm and smitten with his boyfriend. :O) i dunnoh… 😉

[Anonymous]

So, stupid question if I shouldn’t be sleeping next to him does that mean I still can’t just hang out with him and watch the odd movie and get a cuddle out of it. Because I know I won’t have sex with him. It’s just not something I want. I cuddle with him now because i don’t want a relationship with anyone. I’m not in a point in my life where I’m looking for Mr. right or anyone for that matter. I’ve made it very clear to him that him and I aren’t happening. He still dates other people and I’m perfectly fine with that. I know once he finds someone else I’ll miss hanging out with him and but I’ll be okay with it.

[April Masini]

You can definitely hang out with him without sleeping in the bed with him. But I think you’re avoiding something…you say you don’t want a relationship, but maybe what you don’t want is a relationship with sex. You really sound like you DO want a relationship with a level of intimacy (not sex, but truth telling and sharing) and affection. I’m not sure how old you are, but there is nothing wrong with waiting to have sex. You just have to find the right guy.

If this guy is dating other women (and by the way, good thought, [i]Katdawg[/i], that this guy MIGHT have been gay), they’re eventually going to insist you’re kicked to the curb and while you really do seem to understand that, it would be nice for me to see you having a relationship that meets your needs now by having a guy who’s monogamous, friendly, affectionate, and not sexual.

So, no, you’re not messed up, but stay out of the bed with this guy and keep your mind open that you may really want a relationship but are afraid to have one because you’ll have to tell the guy you don’t want to have sex with him yet.

[Anonymous]

So, you’re right i’m kind of avoiding having a full fledged relationship. I’m trying to avoid all the sexual part of it because I very recently got out of a four year relationship and just don’t want to have sex or even kiss anyone at the moment. I’m 28, I really loved the guy I with and he me, I’ll always love him but we were both we were just too different to make it work out in the long run. I have told all this to my cuddle bud and he knows this but at the same time he has expressed wanting something more. I told him that I can’t change how I am at the moment. Last time I broke up with someone I ended up rebounding, freaking out eventually and then going back to my ex. I’m scared to have that happen for now that I’d rather just have a friend to talk to and cuddle with. I just need my space with it comes to sex and kissing and all that at the moment. I guess in a way he’s just filling the void that I feel. What I miss most about being in my past relationshiop is waking up next to someone and just cuddling and talking. We were so close and I just want that part back. I should probably let this guy go cause I know it’s not fair to him either but I have been upfront with him and he knows. I guess i’m just a little selfish at the moment.

[April Masini]

I’m glad I could get to the real problem — your fear of having a relationship, and I’m glad you were able to add to that and explain that your fear of a relationship is REALLY a fear of rejection. Knowing yourself in this way, you can help yourself better. Because you asked me the question to begin with — Is this cuddle buddy relationship messed up? — you already knew the answer. Yes. It’s perhaps not “messed up” but it’s not moving you forward in your life. Your sleeping with this guy without having sex with him because you want a relationship but you don’t want to get hurt, and you think that having sex with a man will make the relationship somehow more real and therefore you, more vulnerable, isn’t in [b]your[/b] best interest. (And it’s definitely not in his because he already wants more.)

I know that the pain you feel after your break up from a four year relationship is real and harsh, but there is a better way to deal with this problem.

First of all, understand that most relationships end because one or both people don’t think they’re compatible, so just KNOWING this fact can help you choose better and accept reality better. If you understand that your dating average, like a ball player’s batting average, is dependent on your getting up to bat, then you’ll understand that you’re going to suffer some break ups. It’s part of life, and hiding in bed with a cuddle buddy is just your attempt at avoiding life. GET OUT THERE!! It’s not so bad. Yes, you’ll take a few knocks, but you can handle it.

And the way you can handle it best, and even avoid the knocks is to date wisely. You mention your four year relationship ended because of too many differences between the two of you. Well, next time around, don’t choose a man with so many differences. Know yourself and know him before you get involved, and if at any time during the dating process you realize this isn’t going to work long term, get out so you don’t waste another four years.

You have to commit to yourself at some point, and stop hiding out in cuddle buddy beds. The real world has a lot more to offer you, and you’ll be able to handle it. I promise.

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