Doesn’t add up, literally

[W125145D]

Hi April,

So I’ve been talking to this girl for a few months now. Earlier in the year, on several occasions, she told me that she liked me and thought I was attractive, and we formed a flirty relationship over that. At one point, we were talking at a mutual friends house, and I told her I wanted to go on a real date with her, and she said of course.

For whatever reason though, after that week, we ended up not texting/talking as much, and she’d be really passive to anything I said. Meanwhile, she was developing a relationship with one of my best friends. Now the thing about it at this point, was that I wasn’t too concerned about the situation, she was just a girl who I thought was attractive, and pretty much nothing more.

Now come December of this past year, the girl ended up essentially “Hooking up” with the friend, nothing really happened, because she didn’t want to do anything, but they just spent the night together, kissed, cuddled, and what not. So on that note, the friend ends up completely blowing her off at this point, leaving her in the dark, and she pretty much is lost.

New years eve rolls around, we’re slightly drunk, at separate parties, and we’re texting. Long story short, I end up going over to her house, and we make out in the car. Now I of course ask, why did you blow me off before, I feel like I’m a rebound, or a back up plan, etc. She denies it, and we just leave it at that.

A few more days go by, and at this point, we’re in miami on a trip with a few friends. OVer the course of the trip, we spend some time together. One night we’re kissing, and she basically starts hinting that’s somethings on her mind. Then basically she pulls the “we’re moving too fast” card, IN ADDITION to telling me that she feels as if I was right before, and that she was indeed using me as a back-up plan, and a rebound, just for the sake of her ego I guess. Obviously, that annoyed me to say the least, and we didn’t talk for a week.

I’m sorry for the long backstory, really long actually, I felt like it was necessary to get my story across. Here’s the climax so to speak.

On that note, a week goes by, and we’re texting again, we go to panera bread and we sit down, and basically just talk it out… we let it all go, and just decide to be friends again, 100%.

At least that’s what we thought… (I’m sure you saw that coming)

About 2 weeks go by, here we are at this party. We’re having a good time, being Designated Drivers, and we’re talking about how we’ve grown apart, etc etc, and just to get to it, we kiss again. Now at this point, I say: “Ok, are we going to be adult about this or what? Because we shouldn’t do this”, and she replies back with “Ok, you’re right”. Although upon talking more and more as the night progressed, we of course talk about all the chemistry we have, about how great eachother are, etc etc. We take our friends home, and she asks if I’d like to spend the night with her, and after going back and forth, I say yes.

Now, important fact. She’s a virgin.

We’re in bed, talking, making out, etc. And things start going in “that direction, and I say to her, multiple, and by multiple I mean like 7 times: “Are you sure about this?”, “I know you’ve been hesistant about this with everyone else you’ve dated/cared for”, “It’s ok to say no” [that one made her cry 🙂 ]. She tells me that she’s ok, and she’s sure, and she lost her virginity to me that night. We cuddle all night, and she even says to me a few times: “You know, you’re so great, we’ve known each other for a good while now, I can honestly say wouldn’t want to lose my virginity to anyone else”, which is nice.

After that point, things get more interesting. Because we get to this point where we like eachother a lot, but we don’t want to be in a relationship, so we essentially are just taking it really slow (aside from the whole, we’ve had sex, thing). But see that’s where I get to my ACTUAL question… why doesn’t she, why don’t I?

She tells me “I love you” in that friendly kind of way, but still emotionally attached way, and it’s nice. I’ve taken her on 6 dates since the night we spent together, none ending in sex, just really nice and engaging dates where we can actually sit down like adults and get to know eachother, aka the best kinds 🙂. I bought her flowers/chocolates/etc for valentines day on tuesday, which she loved. About a month ago, she got home and I had about $90 worth of Edible Arrangements delivered to her house, just because, and I can’t tell you how much that meant to her, she said it was the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for her. We have all this physical chemistry, and a lot of emotional chemistry together. She legit liked my friend, and wanted to date him 100%, and then didn’t have sex with him; but then she has sex with me on that one night, when we aren’t even that emotionally attached [And that’d be totally ok with me, and I would think I’m just blowing it out of proportion…but again, she was a VIRGIN… completely sober, and I asked her multiple times if she wasn’t just doing it because she was in the mood, and if it was special to her. Because quite frankly I’d refuse to let a girls first time be on a “Fling” of sorts, I couldn’t live with myself]

I’ll be honest, I like this girl. I do. She’s beautiful, she’s smart, funny, a fantastic person, shy, modest, so nice, and basically goes against every social norm of a “21 year old College Girl”. But I do wonder if I only like the idea of her too, or if I only like her at this point, because she’s being so passive, considering all that we’ve been through together in such a short time, and if I’m only pursuing her for my ego’s sake. I also wonder what’s going through her mind… if she even thinks about it, and how she thinks about it, and what is it that makes so much sense to her about it.

Side note: Her best friend in the world, I met her before the girl, so her friend and I are actually pretty close, and needless to say, if she were to say: “Hey I like him”, i’d totally have her “stamp of approval”. But my point is, she tells her literally EVERYTHING… and yet, the fact that she lost her virginity to me, seems to escape their conversations, she doesn’t even know that we’re talking, matter of fact, no one that she trusts or confides in knows, which yes, it’s none of their business technically, but that seems weird to me that she’d keep something like this from them considering the other things that they know.

I know, I know, I know… I’m rambling on and on. But let’s wrap this up.

We went through this period of liking eachother
She used me as a rebound to get over my friend, and I forgave her.
We make out spontaneously, on more than one occasion.
I take her out on numerous dates, all of which are magical, in both our opinions, and none end in any sexual.
I buy her flowers, dinner, etc.
We go snowboarding together
We talk a lot, and see eachother as much as we can
She tells me she loves me, and feels so comfortable around me
The physical attraction is there
The emotion attraction is there
+ And finally, I took her virginity, and she said she wouldn’t want to lose it to anyone else.
__________________________________________________________________________

And yet, I’m truly the only one who remotely goes out of my way to 1.) make her happy, and 2.) show her that I’m here, and I do care, and she is just being really passive about it.

We said we were both chill with just taking it easy and not putting a label on things, but I’ll be honest, I’m about to be past that phase soon enough, and I wonder what the hell is going on in her head considering all that we’ve been doing together, and how much we like eachother. We had a talk about it last week, and it basically just ended with her telling me stuff that she thought I wanted to hear, and just saying that she’s comfortable where we are. But as the title says, and as all of the friends I’ve explained this to, if you take all those things above, and consider them, especially the last thing…..THIS DOESN’T ADD UP, or make ANY sense.

Thanks for reading this 10 page novel April. Please, give me anything.

[jdawg]

From a guys point of view, that is weird. I could be wrong, but when ive met girls that have said they really like me, like in your situation, they were happy to kind of show me off. They didnt hide it with their friends. This girl sounds like she’s almost ashamed to admit you to are seeing eachother, which you are by what youve described. Maybe she feels her friends will judge her? not because of you but just being in a relationship, she obviously feels its wrong to say she lost her virginity to her friends. Why is that? Is it again about feeling judged? Tbh at 21, you would not be judged because you “lost it” I mean lets face it most ppl lose it in their teens so good on her for respecting herself to wait this long. But yeah i dunno dude, sounds fishy, sounds like she could be taking you for the ride and telling you what she thinks you want to hear. Sounds like you invest a lot more into this then she does. Which isnt fair, and if i were in your position i wouldnt want a bar of it. You are being too nice and she isnt making the same kind of commitment. I would back off and see if she comes to you. Last thing you want is to be too good for her and have her take you for granted. If she cant appreciate you in public, talk about you to her friends once in a while, then you deserve someone who appreciates you when your not together, not just when you are. Hope this helps bro

[kai]

I notice that you have placed your question in the forum for Guest Writers and Advice Column Contributors.

This is not in the forum where April answers readers questions.

If you want to get a response from April, please repost your question in the proper forum, the Q & A Advice Forum:
http://www.askapril.com/forums/viewforum.php?f=1

[April Masini]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you. 😉

[Author]

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