[mariael]

Hi April

I am 26 and some months ago I got out of a long-term relationship that lasted almost 9 years. It was a hard decision to break up, it was a very loving and tender relationship but we had been together for too long, still young to make a next step together. I have forgotten how to date properly though, I mean I am getting too emotional and making a big drama out of things, I am unable to evaluate situations. I won’t go into details about my situation, maybe if you reply to my email I will send a follow up email to explain it. It’s about a relationship I entered some months after my break up without many expectations but we then became close and spend much time together and I have feelings of love for him. is it possible that 2 people that only knew each other as lovers for short period/a couple of months to become friends? maybe if they didn’t fall in love but became very close? I don’t know what to do, I find saying goodbye all too hard. and how can I be clear on whether there is hope for things to work out? It’s not a personality issue, he is great and we have a great time together but it seems something is preventing us from getting more serious after some months of dating-we were exclusive all along of course. he says he feels he is losing some of his desire and romantic affection, he is not sure though but he doesn’t want me to get hurt afterwards so we should be careful and stop dating. yet he is more upset than me about all this, he cries and all. he is honest, not trying to interpet anything there, just trying to think whether I can still keep someone in his life in different terms without hoping things may get better. I don’t know what I want but miss him and just want to see how it’ll be like. is it possible that circumstances change and things work out?

[April Masini]

The problem is that after a 9 year relationship ended, you rebounded into another relationship that you hoped would replace the one you had just ended. It didn’t, and now you’re trying to not let go so you don’t feel that old break up scar again.

My suggestion to you is not to get into a serious relationship now. You should date, play the field, and have fun. Don’t look to your boyfriends and dates to be your friends. Keep separate friends that you don’t date. Men that you date should be just that — dates! Nothing more.

If you can keep these boundaries then you won’t be so confused when relationships don’t work out and you don’t want to say goodbye to a boyfriend or a date that after six dates isn’t really panning out so well. You’re still feeling abandoned and abandoning from your 9 year relationship and you need some time to start to trust yourself with men again. By keeping your dating relationships light, and keeping your friendships separate, you’ll understand that dates will come and go in your life; friends will mostly stay put, and family will always be there.

Hope that helps! 🙂

[mariael]

Thanks a lot April. 🙂

I very much see your point and I do know that it should take some time before I enter a serious relationship. Indeed, before that guy told me he thinks he had a change of heart I was already realizing I was not entirely independent, I kept missing aspects of my communication with my ex boyfriend which is of course normal. My ex boyfriend was the best friend I ever had in my life. I did at times search for the security my long term relationship was giving me in this new one which is so wrong and silly, I know.

The other thing is it went too fast. I wasn’t rushing things but we would spend 4 times a week hours together and sooner rather than later(not straight away, nothing like that) he/me started staying over at each other’s. I wasn’t looking for a relationship but it was a great comfort to find someone I could communicate with all too soon. And I kept thinking I’ll just enjoy this and see what’s next. And I think I am doing what you are saying I am. I am mixing things. I keep thinking that since we didn’t fall in love with each other and like each other so much and communicate so well why can’t we just stay in each other’s lives. And then I realize that I am just scared of being alone (not without a date, alone in general, a lot of changes happened to me recently and my friends/family are far away) and I am thinking in a way I wouldn’t normally.

and what’s happening to me is I am thinking oh I’ll never find someone else. And I am thinking how many chances will I have to find people that I will communicate with. So then I say ok so let’s keep this one in my life. I do see it’s all happening because I have been in one relationship for so long.

[April Masini]

You’re very brave for being so honest in your last post. That quality will take you far. Nurture it. And surround yourself with other people who have the same quality. It will make your path to finding Mr. Right that much shorter and easier. 😀

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