Ex BF Cheated = Now Friends w/benefits = What am I doing?

[Ms.Understood]

I dated this guy for 3 years and I was truly in love with him and he said he was too. The last 3 months of our relationship I fell into a depression due to chronic pain from a new injury I retained at work, anyways I was distant and he then cheated on me with some chick he worked with out of town (at bush fly-in mining camps with 300-1=men-women%) When I caught him cheating it was our 3 year anniversary which also happens to be Xmas Day when I saw a text she sent him wishing him merry Xmas Hunny. I knew something was up and demanded he show me his emails and Face Book and there it was all the lies and deceit in front of me with the dirty emails and promises to come visit her in her home town while he was going to tell me he was on a snowboarding trip with his friends.

That was December 2008, now it is December 2010 and since August we have became good friends again but with benefits which I have never done before with a guy or any ex bf’s. We do share a very close bond and he tells me things like he’s never going to love another woman like he loves and cares for about me and that no matter what size I am he will always love my body (cause when we dated I was 110lbs and he was obsessed with me being skinny and just before he cheated on me I gained 50 lbs so i think the weight had something to do with it) however I am now 180lbs and he says he’s attracted to me now still, even tho I’m a fatty now 🙁

The glitch is.. he works out of town and we only see each other a few days a month and it’s always to get high and have sex, also he seems to always be needing my hook ups to score him dope which he used to be dead set against while with the depression i was in set me deeper into substance abuse which he said was also his reasoning for the cheating but now I can see abuse in his use starting.

I don’t know what else to tell ya but I just want to know what other women or even men think about this? Is he using me for just sex and drugs for when he’s in town so he has a guaranteed lay when he gets home from working out of town?.. that’s what my gut tells me or is it just paranoia from distrust I have in him now. He also dated a friend of mine only days after us breaking up who was little miss barbie doll and a bitch enough to send me an email reading “he’s all mine now bitch, hahahhaa!” 😥 ..yeah i know, like who is evil enough to say such a thing.

Anyways i just want to know if Im making a huge mistake? I mean he says he just cant handle being in a relationship right now and I understand that cause that’s how i feel for the first time in my life. I am figuring out who i am now that I am single and well he really is only a really good friend to me plus really great sex. I don’t want anything more, for now anyways but a part of me thinks or maybe is just me wishing that it will work out someday… I mean why else would he tell me that he’ll never love another women like he loves me? He says it pretty sincerely too and i do believe him but am I just falling for his player ways again and falling for the same old lies, if lies at all?

Let me know what your opinion is from just knowing what I have shared. I don’t have many friends and need some wise advice from maybe those who have been through this before and a guys outlook might help too?

Thanks

Ms.Understood ❓

[Ms.Understood]

hello anyone out there want to give my commenting a try to give me some advice?

[Purplerain]

Ms. Understood,
Friends with benefits rarely works ! The fact that he cheated on you and you are still sleeping with him should make you sit and ponder and answer yourself If this is what you really want in your love life. He cheated on you at a difficult time of your life when you needed attention and care , not betrayal.
I want you to know that most of the times life is emotional, not logical and we most of the times put our happiness and safety in someone else’s hands but sometimes there is no sanity or logic in others’ reactions and behavior. It is your responsibility to analyze what is happening in your love life , never ever give anyone else the power to change situations in love and life in general , otherwise you will have a life or relationship not of your own making. Nevertheless, relationships are there to be negotiated , not so much with words , but with actions.
He told you he does not want to be in a relationship , he just wants to sleep with you.
After the breakup he should have dated you again and win you over again, real dating , not hooking up or meeting for sex.
As for your drug use I can clearly notice that you are having self destructing behavior . You are hurting yourself once by staying in a relationship for sex and second by substance abuse ! There is much more to life and love than this. I do believe that you need psychotherapy to help you deal with this double difficult situation of your life. Starting exercising would help a lot because it acts as medicine and relieves a lot of your tension.
It is a healthier approach to life and shows a lot of respect for yourself ! Being in a great physical shape is a fabulous pleasure, more than substance use.
Take responsibility for your life and body and date smart.
Go to April’s forum advice. Is is great ! Get all the help you need, but remember that there are things in life that only you can do, nobody else in the whole world can do for you. She wrote an amazing book on dating Date and think like a man. It is available on line, you can buy it and download it immediately and it will change your love life for ever. I do feel you are lost, and need all the help you can get.
There are amazing men out there! There are trustworthy fabulous men alive. We have to find them and know how to keep them. April’s book is one of the best you can get.
Please post your story in April’s advice forum , she has some excellent insights and a lot of experience. She helped me too and thousands of others.

[Purplerain]

After reading again your story I understood that you consider him a” really good friend” !
He is not your good friend. No good friend would do that to you ! A good friend would sit you down and have a sincere talk with you, not string you along !
An important part of our role as women in a relationship , any relationship is the relationship you have with yourself and your own body. You have to know that the way you present yourself in front of your man is very important. you have to learn how to take good care of yourself, mentally , emotionally and physically, at all times.
At this point you need to take action with all these aspects of your being. It will give you a power, confidence and peace that nobody can take from you , and don’t let people or adverse circumstances have negative influence over you. It is easy in theory , and amazing in reality. Only that needs practice , every day and when the going is getting hard seek advice , professional advice. By merely talking to your friends won’t help much because they will filter your story through their experience, their emotional baggage and sometimes you ll be more confused. Talk to them if you need to air it out but go to prefessionals for real , long lasting solutions to your problems. When you have toothache you go to the dentist, don’t you ? You don’t go to your friends. When you have heartache go to the proper professionals who will help you work through your problems.
If we have deep seated issues with the way we react to life’s situations we need professional help and a strong, stronger than anything else desire to get well. Exercise, psychotherapy, self grooming are tools and it is up to what we do with them to be successful.
I hope this will help you at least make you excited enough about the amazing new you that is hidden inside you in order to take necessary action. Have faith. Believing with faith is extraordinary, believing with doubt is horrible.
Recreate yourself and your love life !

[kai]

I notice that you have placed your question in the forum for Guest Writers and Advice Column Contributors.

[b]This is not in the forum where April answers readers questions. [/b]

If you want to get a response from April, please repost your question in the proper forum, the Q & A Advice Forum:
http://www.askapril.com/forums/viewforum.php?f=1

[Manwhore]

I think you need to not read into it too much. Women are prone to worry and analyze and make a mess of something when it’s simply going to fix itself and work out naturally. There is nothing about sex that automatically victimizes a woman or means a man is taking advantage. That’s silly and it’s the social conditioning that gets thrust on men and women and then they start to believe it.

Is he hurting you? No. Are you still getting emails from this supposed friend of yours that in the end turned out to be a bitch? No. So what’s the issue. You guys smoke and have sex sometimes. Big deal. You’re a big girl you can handle it stop looking for someone to give you a reason to feel sorry for yourself. Take care of business. Your REAL issue is your weight gain. THAT you can take appropriate action with.

[April Masini]

Let me know how things are going for you? 😉

[Author]

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