Expectations in a new relationship

[Aleeciya111]

Hi, I have been seeing my boyfriend for seven months now. Previous to us being an ‘item’ we were best friends for three years. Since we’ve become more than a friends, we see each other minimum of four nights a week and pretty much spend every bit of spare time togther, when we are both not working.

Lately, i have been experiencing more and more periods where I have doubts, and I’m feeling quite ‘low’.I think he is a great guy, he is really good with my two kids and devoted.We seem to have a real problem with communicating and as I try to talk to him about things upsetting me (me paying for most things, chores,affection issues). He takes it on as a criticism and refuses to talk back to me. Which usually means him ignoring me and going to sleep while I stay awake all night as I feel nothing was resloved.

I am quite an affectionate person, and I feel I give so much to him and I don’t get that back.He admits he is not romantic at all and finds it hard to be affectionate, it’s something he has to work on while its natural for me. Can relationships work when one partner is not affectionate and finds it difficult to show their feelings? Is it right that I should expect him to contribute food,chores, money wise to things when he is at my place from 630 weekdays evenings and all day on the weekends? It also bothers me that I have a home(mortgage) and work f/t to pay a mortgage and we still use my car to go everywhere and I’m covering most things.

I know I may sound like I’m going on, and maybe because I’m a divorcee with two kids, I am lucky to have a man that is devoted.If anyone has some advice on how I can get over this low period I’m all ears 🙂

[katdawg]

The words you are using to describe him does not match his actions from what I can tell. To me it sounds like he’s taking a free ride and you are settling rather than waiting for the man that can and will meet your needs.

He admitted he is not romantic and finds it hard to be affectionate. You should take his word for it; men are usualy what you’ll get. It is true women are more adaptable than men are. He sounds like he’ll be a great friend, as he has been, but as far as a lover goes I don’t think he’s compatible to you. If you need affection and romance and he’s not that type he’s the wrong “lover” for you. If he was devoted to you he would contribute to the household financially and if he was a real man he would step up and take on that male role in your house.

You mentioned you were lucky to have a man (that’s not quite so devoted) because you have two kids, but why put all this energy in working so hard to please a man that is just taking you for granted….wouldn’t you want to save that energy to raise your children and be patient for a “real” man that will treat you the way you WANT to be treated?

[April Masini]

I don’t think that affection is the real issue here. I think you’re upset because he’s not pulling his weight financially, and as a single mother with two children, finances are, and should be, of concern. Since you’ve been dating seven months now, you’re wondering if this relationship will become permanent, and you’re anticipating what that will look like, so to speak. When you realized that his not chipping in financially or helping out with chores around the house in spite of all the time he spends there was upsetting you, you saw the potential and probable problem that is going to blossom in any future you have together, and you tried to broach these issues with him. He shut you down and refuses to discuss these issues that are of concern to you, and now you realize you’re in a flashing yellow light intersection of your relationship. 😮

Here’s how to deal with your problem:

First of all, understand exactly what you want from a man. This is really important. Then look at who you’re with and see if he’s giving you what you need to be happy. It’s fine to claim he’s devoted to you, but stop being a mother for a minute, and put on your girlfriend hat. Why shouldn’t a man be devoted to you? You’re deserving of devotion, and you probably have great kids that many men would get along with and be grateful for. So get a little perspective on his devotion. True devotion is great, but you’re not a charity case. Besides. It’s not enough to sustain a relationship over time — as you’re now finding out!

Second of all, you need to take care of yourself better. If you think he’s taking advantage of you, then put on your big girl pants and don’t let him take advantage of you. You can do this by limiting your time together. Rather than invite him over every weekday evening and every weekend, pull back. Don’t be available to him all that time. Instead, when he asks to come over, tell him you’re busy. Tell him you have chores to do so you can’t see him until Saturday night. Guide the relationship back on track to one of romance and dating rather than his being a family member and acting like a child instead of a man when he’s in your house and you ending up acting like a mother to him — this isn’t just his fault. You play a part in this dynamic. So if you don’t like it, change your behavior. This is going to take some discipline on your part, but I know you can do it! 🙂 You have to reclaim yourself and your home and only share it when a man is worthy of your sharing it with him. Don’t be a victim in your relationship. You have the ability and the power to ask for what you want, say no if you’re not getting it, and move on at any time.

And lastly, don’t make your car so available to him. If he suggests you drive, tell him that you’d rather not — you’re trying to save money on gas, and it would be better for you if he drives. It’s probably hard to say that kind of thing because you’re so used to being a mother and taking care of people, but you have to start seeing yourself as a desirable girlfriend, too, and wearing that hat a lot more often.

Don’t be afraid to consider that this guy is not Mr. Right. Let yourself reconsider what it is you want and need in a man, and whether or not your current boyfriend is going to be that man for you.

I hope that helps! 😀

[Aleeciya111]

Hi

I in myself feel like life is about moments, I want to have those special times with someone and feel bonded. My boyfriend told me he is just not “wired like that” and that makes me feel like I’m just over needy and I have to stop expecting that I might get taken out for dinner one day or even have him give me flowers or anything generally romantic.

My boyfriend and I had out first Christmas together, and for the most it was nice, I was just so disappointed that he didnt get me a card. I never knew people dont do that! So you can imagine how I felt after picking out an exclusive “Our First XmaS” card , writing the gorgeous message in it, and not getting one back! Can you believe he just left it on the table and its still at my place now.

We went away camping with the kids, and I thought a week away from work,might mean having a laugh and us having some much needed couple time.He was so tired from doing everything during the day, there wasnt even one night that he put his arms around me and we had a couple of wines or looked at the stars or talked about the future.I doubt that anything like that would of happened even if he wasnt tired. And yes it was hurtful laying awake in a tent listening to everyone else having a good time and laying there thinking why wasnt that us.

I guess I’m really am feeling undervalued by him.We are talking about living together, which he says he is practically already living with me anyway.He is always here and drives an hour and a half to and from work over to my place 6 out of 7 days. He just started from last week contributing half for food.He loves myself and the kids and he feels just by him being here, that he is committed to us.I don’t know if I am just needy, I mean we both work f/t and he works another job at the church Sunday, Monday and Wednesdays he is at bible study.I just dont feel valued by him. I dont how how i’m going to feel when I’m anticipating he will not plan anything at all for us for Valentines Day. Kinda feels like I always get the short straw.

When I try to bring things up that are concerning me. we end up arguing and honestly I don’t think we have the conflict resolution skills to diffuse the arguments. Therefore we usualluy sleep back to back , both stubborn to sort it out, then I end up smoothing things out the next day.Does that mean he doesnt love me if he doesnt ever back down? After 8 months I would of thought he would have been alot more..making effort to take me out and things then he has.. is that a bad sign to? He also has affection issues from his childhood and I dont know how to make myself be happy recieving the limited affection that I am recieving, and should I have to? Maybe because he never had the affection in his childhood, maybe he doent know how to give it or how it feels for me to not be getting it…All so confusing!

[April Masini]

Boy, it sure sounds like you didn’t read my last advice post to you. 🙁 In fact, I bet you’re doing the same thing to your boyfriend that you are to me: Ignoring what he’s saying and trying to “bend” the truth so that you can continue to try and hope things are going to be different (which they won’t be) while staying a victim (which you will be).
🙄
So, let me give it to you very straight, given your last post:

1. Your boyfriend is a loser. Any guy who refuses to give you a card, let alone a gift at Christmas, when he’s practically living with you and your kids, is a loser.

2. Your boyfriend is a loser because he won’t make a Valentine Day’s plan with you.

3. Your boyfriend is a loser because he lets you support him. That he’s FINALLY contributing half of your food expenses after living with you and your kids for over 6 months is a poor excuse for being a support to you.

Okay, that was the soft, cushy part, so buckle up for some harsh truth:

1. You are allowing yourself to be undervalued. You like being the victim, otherwise, you’d dump him.

2. You are setting a bad example for your children in showing them how women deserve to be treated by men. Make no mistake about it, they will follow your lead in their own lives.

3. You are being lazy. Dating is not supposed to be easy — you have to work at it. This guy is clearly not right for you and your kids, but you’re too lazy to dump him and face the reality that you have to get back out there and start looking for Mr. Right again. Date smart, and dump this loser.

I hope that this time you hear me!

I can’t help you if you don’t want to help yourself, so if you don’t break up with this guy, you’ve voted for yourself that you don’t deserve to have a great boyfriend. Come back when you do. I really want to help people in relationships — but I can’t, if they don’t help themselves.

[katdawg]

Hot diggity dog! AWESOME! I totally agree with April on that last post!

[April Masini]

Thanks, [i]Katdawg[/i]. 🙂

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