Fear of commitment

[SweetGirl28]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years now. We have met each other’s family and friends. Since he is a citizen of a different country, we have been going back and forth for a while. This has worked fine for us because we both seem to connect on a deeper level. Our relationship has always seemed perfect up to about a month ago.

My boyfriend started a new job which has been a cause of stress. At the same time, the marriage talk came up, and all of a sudden he is not excited about the relationship anymore. He has started to think everything over, and is mainly pointing at negative aspects of our relationship, though most of the things he has pointed out to me seem farfetched or untrue. For us to be together, one of us will have to move to a different country. I have been willing to make that sacrifice for him, but now he says he isn’t sure if we would get along forever, if we still have any common grounds or interests, if we still have something to talk about, and he sees all kinds of doom scenarios entering the picture.

My world collapsed after his ‘confession’ because I didn’t see it coming. I am not sure what to do here. Do I give him his space, and not contact him until he comes back – if he ever does? Or do I respond to his messages as if nothing has ever happened? My fear is that his ‘concerns’ about the relationship seem to come true if I suddenly become distant too.

Thank you!

[April Masini]

It sounds like your boyfriend’s new job is causing a lot of stress for him. I think that this is where all of the problems you’re seeing are coming from. My advice is to back off of any talk about marriage that might pressure him further. Because he’s under stress from work, try to be supportive and light when you’re with him. Don’t be distant, and do be warm, but don’t pressure him in any way.

And if you do write again, fill me in a little on how old you both are, how often you actually see each other since it’s been three years of back and forth between two countries. 😉

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url]https://www.facebook.com/Relationship.Expert.April.Masini[/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[SweetGirl28]

Thank you, April!

We are 28 and 29. We see each other every 2-3 months in person but we talk on a daily basis.

[April Masini]

Thanks for the information. Let me know if you have any more questions.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url]https://www.facebook.com/Relationship.Expert.April.Masini[/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[SweetGirl28]

Update: he broke up with my over email. He said that he enjoyed our time together but that he doesn’t see us work out in the long run. He says things might turn around in the future but for now he thinks it’s for the best that we break up and stay friends. He also said that I must understand that he wants to neglect his personal life so that he can make a good career.

I haven’t talked to him in days. I don’t want him to string me along but at the same time I don’t know what to make of this. We have had such a stable, trusting relationship. We never fought over anything. He still has to give me some my stuff back.

April, what advice do you have for me? Thank you!

[April Masini]

I’m sorry about the break up. 🙁

Long distance relationships are very difficult, and it sounds like the different points of view that the two of you had and still have on the relationship, coupled with the distance and his career pressures — and possibly the “marriage talk”, led to the break up. In hindsight, when you wrote “the marriage talk came up” — that is probably another pressure point he didn’t want at that time, and it may have escalated the break up. Guys hate “the talk” of any kind — usually women instigate it to move a stalled relationship forward. It rarely works.

I know you want to get the relationship back, but he isn’t stringing you along. He’s broken up with you. The challenge here is for you to try and understand what led him to break up with you — when you thought that the relationship was stable and meaningful. He seems to have been in a very different place than you. This disconnect in the relationship sounds like a basic problem. You wrote that in the break up he seemed to focus on the negative aspects, which you found to be “farfetched and untrue.” Whether you’re right or wrong — he felt this way and you didn’t. Your challenge is to try and empathize and understand why he felt this way, and how he came to feel this way. Occasionally, two people in the same relationship have wildly different ideas of how things are going. It sounds like this may have been going on, although you had a clue when you wrote me that things weren’t on a good track.

For now, don’t try to get back together with him. Instead, take care of yourself. Breaking up is painful, and it’s important for you to be kind to yourself and move forward — exercise, eating well, surrounding yourself with nurturing and supportive friends and family, are all positive steps you can take. Don’t worry right now about your things that he has. Consider your feelings and how you’re going to get over the break up so you can learn from this, and move forward to find love and a healthy, happy relationship.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url]https://www.facebook.com/Relationship.Expert.April.Masini[/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press onTwitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[SweetGirl28]

Thank you, April!

I may have forgotten to add that he was the one that brought up the marriage talk. It was his idea to file for the necessary paperwork, and we completed the file together. He kept pushing for us to get married. He suddenly changed his mind right after filing those papers. I feel like he is making excuses to cut me out of his life since I might be an extra stress factor in his life especially with the distance between us. However, that distance problem would have been resolved as soon as the paperwork would have been processed.

[April Masini]

It’s good information to know that he’s the one who brought up the marriage talk — and you’re right, he may have just felt overwhelmed with the career stress and the marriage paperwork and stress. I think that if he really was simply stressed, when the stress abates, he’s going to realize he misses you and come back to you. If he doesn’t, then it wasn’t the stress alone. It was the relationship, too.

I know this is painful, but I think you have to give him some time and space and hope that his stress passes enough that he realizes it wasn’t you — it was him. And if he doesn’t, you’re no worse off than you are right now.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url]https://www.facebook.com/Relationship.Expert.April.Masini[/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press onTwitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Author]

Posts