Feeling like a failure in my relationship

[rdtravis]

I’m not sure how to put this but I have lately felt like a failure in my relationship. Also undesirable by my boyfriend. Big thing is even when he asks what is wrong I cant bring myself to tell him. I have moved up here to be with him because I love him so much. I have a part time job sometimes only getting 4-5 hours a week. I don’t bring home enough for us to barely help pay the bills. He works 6 days a week most weeks. I know he loves me too but it seems like all the time that he doesn’t want to be with me sexually. I know that probably isn’t true, but no matter what I try to do to turn him on it is not right now dear or I’m too old to be doing it all the time. Mind you we are both the same age, 36. Most nights I hope and pray that we will end up making love but usually as soon as he comes to bed he falls asleep. Sometimes with his arm over me sometimes with his back to me. I end up feeling like I am not desirable enough to make love to and end up crying myself to sleep. When we do end up making love, to me it doesn’t feel that way. He starts to fondle me but stops to take his pj bottoms off so I can give him oral sex. I don’t mind doing that, but usually that leads straight into regular sex which usually doesn’t last that long about 5-10 min. Like tonight he finished before I was even halfway ready to. The one thing he did especially that i didn’t like was finished outside of me on me. But tonight left me feeling empty and more like a failure than anything. When he is done he gets up wipes himself off and gives me a towel to clean up, puts his pj bottoms back on, goes gets a drink, has a smoke then comes back to bed with his back to me. This is a usual thing with him when he is done. But tonight just felt like he wasgoing through the motions. It hurt emotionally, like my chest was being crushed. So I got out of bed. He did get up when he woke up needing something to eat and asked me what was wrong but I always feel that I cant tell him how much of a failure I feel. So tonight I’ll cry myself to sleep again only on the couch so he doesn’t hear me. Even though he hasn’t in the past. This morning he figured that there was something wrong and to took him a long time just to drag the fact it has something to do with sex out of me. As for the rest of it I don’t know how to broch the subject with him. It is not something im use to talking about as a serious subject having been raised in The Church of Christ.(not LDS). Please if you can help me tell him please tell me what to do. As far as being able to go to a theripist I cant. I didn’t even have enough to pay for my phone bill.
😥

[April Masini]

How long have you been dating your boyfriend? And what prompted you to move in with him? How long have you been living with him?

There’s definitely a problem here, and I can help you, but need more information.

[rdtravis]

Well we met online through a game called World of Warcraft a year ago this past April. We were set up by mutual friends within our guild. We then began Im’ing and calling each other, besides voice chatting through the game. I have been living with him since Feb. 28th of this year. He had asked me back in June of last year to move up here and move in with him. He also has a son that I adore and think of as my own. He does not have custody of his son but does get visitation with him.

What prompted the move well lets see, That one is a long complicated story. Lets just say My Step-mother is a control freak and even though I am 36 didn’t want me to move out of the house under any circumstances. She freaked out when my twin moved to Burleson just about 30 min to an hour away, then when my step-sister who lived down the street needed to move to Garland which was 1 hour away for her Mother In Law (who was dealing with terminal breast cancer at the time). For the last 3 years I really wasn’t able to get a job because that ment her having to drive me to work then picking me up from work. It also ment that she would have to deal with the 40 rescue cats we had at the house by herself, which she really didn’t want to do. What she really wanted over the last 3 years was someone to stay at home so her and my dad could go on vacations like to Aspen in Oct. for the annual John Denver thing, or to Little Rock or even for a weekend to my grandmother’s 3 hours away. Mind you when I was working 4 years ago I spent my vacation time from work to stay home so they could go to Aspen. Also If I tryed stand up for myself and say something she would have a fit and sometimes grab me and pull my hair, or hit me. One time she actually tried to choke me. This all started when I started talking about moving out. She would also threaten to take my cats to the pound and have them put to sleep even though she agreed to keep them till they lived out thier natural lives, pulling guilt trips. She would also say where would you go you have no money to get a place or support yourself. That would be when I would speak up and say no S*** you dont pay me. I do a job here not only taking care of 40 cats but the house too.

Me no I havent been on a real vacation since I was 13 in 1986, Though I do sometimes count working at SFOT-Six Flags Over Texas as a kind of vacation since there were times i could go out there and ride the rides before or after work. But usually didnt get to after work cause Id work open-close usually 7 days a week, open to close was oh 9am in the morning to ruffly midnight. The park opens at 10 and closes at 10 during the summer months but in my locations you didn’t close down till all of the guests to the park were past your location. So if I worked at the front gate that ment most guests didnt get out of there till after 11pm. You still had to clean your location and shut everthing off and do closing things. So really i didn’t get much of a real vacation.

Anyway what prompted me to leave the house was the fact that even though she had no grounds to she threatened to call the police up here and tell them he was juring a little girl up here. That made him mad mostly at her but he did think about breaking it off with me at the time (it was in Jan of this year) to protect his visitation with his son. He didn’t because he loved me too much and it wasnt me he was mad at. She would also tell me that if I moved away that I would probably never get to see my grandmother again that she would probably die before the year was up, Just to pull guilt trips on me. My grandmother is stronger than that and healthier than that also. I decided then and there that she had gone to far and got things in order for me to move up here with im then took the leap. I did tell here in a note that he broke it off with me over her threat and that since he did that she lost me. I jumped on a bus and headed here. While I was on the bus she called him and started to put me down to him calling me fat and short. He told her off, then told her never to call him again. I knew she would cause she told me she would if i left. He relayed all of that to me on the phone.

So I have been living with him for about just over 2 months. The night I wrote that I was feeling down and empty, but the next morning we had a small talk, though I still didn’t tell him in full detail what was bothering me. This is probably because of my mother.

I also ment to add that I was suppose to be up here last oct. My mother said wait till just after thanksgiving, then it was wait till xmas, then it was Martin Luther day, then it was wait till easter. So they could go see my grandmother . I understood about thanksgiving and xmas, but MLK day, they wanted to bring me up here even though I already had a bus ticket to come. But when they decided to go see her for MLK day that monday before I was getting frustrated (my dad had an extra day off for it), Then It was Wait till easter, Of course she was already talking about having surgery on both of her feet which would lay her up for about 8 weeks so someone would have to help with the cats during the day. I also figured if i didn’t leave when I did without them it was going to be a constant extension on leaving. They were already deciding to go see my grandmother on easter with me but that was the 4 day weekend that my dad had next, and it was also the weekend they said that they would bring me up here, so if I had waited till easter day to see my grandmother then that ment I couldnt come up here. They had plans to go to Red Rock , Colo. for a concert and would have needed someone to stay to take care of the cats in Jun, then It would have been prob another wait till Augst but they in jan were already talking about headed to Oragan and Washington to see cousins up there, then He ws planning to also take time off in Oct. She was already looking at Hotels though for Aspen again. If I had stayed and waited it would have been one hold off or another . It would have been another reason for me to wait, another reason that she wanted me to stay. I said Enough.

[April Masini]

You’re 36 years old — it’s time for you to stop playing victim and start taking responsibility for your own life. 😕

Clearly, you should [b]not[/b] be living with your stepmother who has physically abused you. That you stayed there is a mystery. I understand that you’re out of work, but you should be living with female roommates and searching for any kind of employment so you can be independent.

Having 40 cats in your house is just plain weird. 😯 Nobody normal has 40 cats in their house. That’s a headline out of a tabloid front page with martians invading as the accompanying story. Get rid of all but two cats and start working towards some normalcy in your own life.

Second, you shouldn’t have moved in with a man you never dated in person. That was a mistake. It’s fine to meet a guy through a video game or online, but the next step is dinner and a movie — not a moving van and boxes of clothes. 🙄 If you’d dated him you might have realized there were problems that needed attention before you CONSIDERED moving in with him. However, since you jumped the gun and are living with him, you have a responsibility to be honest with him.

Now, you have a bunch of problems from your past you haven’t dealt with except to run away from them, and you’re avoiding the problems you’re having with this guy in the same way. Break your pattern or you’re going to get buried by it.

Instead of crying yourself to sleep at night, tell you’re boyfriend you’re depressed. (Trust me — he knows, but unless you start being honest and open, he’s going to lose interest in being with such a downer.) Tell him you don’t want to be depressed, and that you think you’d feel better if the two of you had more communication about your sex life. That’s all you need to stay to start the ball rolling. It doesn’t matter what religion or cultural background you come from. That’s a respectful and honest way of dealing with this problem.

If he’s not interested in your sexual pleasure, you need to understand this selfishness will become part of your relationship together and show itself in other areas. My guess is that he’s not interested in pleasing you because your depression doesn’t make you that exciting to be with. Men want to feel like they’re special and it sounds like the two of you are in a rut in bed. As down as you feel, there’s no way he’s feeling great about the sex, either. Just satisfied, not happy.

But more importantly, you have to stop running away from your problems. This relationship is a way for you to avoid your lack of a life. You need to start working closer to 40 hours a week like everyone else. You need to start making girlfriends outside of your home — not taking care of cats. You need to trade in your video games and start volunteering and helping people less fortunate than yourself and foster hobbies like gardening, cooking, exercise and art or culture.

The failure you feel in your relationship has more to do with your personal life than your relationship. You have a lot on your plate, but you are worth the work it will take to turn your life around. 🙂

[rdtravis]

[quote=”April Masini”]You’re 36 years old — it’s time for you to stop playing victim and start taking responsibility for your own life. 😕

Clearly, you should [b]not[/b] be living with your stepmother who has physically abused you. That you stayed there is a mystery. I understand that you’re out of work, but you should be living with female roommates and searching for any kind of employment so you can be independent.

Having 40 cats in your house is just plain weird. 😯 Nobody normal has 40 cats in their house. That’s a headline out of a tabloid front page with martians invading as the accompanying story. Get rid of all but two cats and start working towards some normalcy in your own life.

Second, you shouldn’t have moved in with a man you never dated in person. That was a mistake. It’s fine to meet a guy through a video game or online, but the next step is dinner and a movie — not a moving van and boxes of clothes. 🙄 If you’d dated him you might have realized there were problems that needed attention before you CONSIDERED moving in with him. However, since you jumped the gun and are living with him, you have a responsibility to be honest with him.

Now, you have a bunch of problems from your past you haven’t dealt with except to run away from them, and you’re avoiding the problems you’re having with this guy in the same way. Break your pattern or you’re going to get buried by it.

Instead of crying yourself to sleep at night, tell you’re boyfriend you’re depressed. (Trust me — he knows, but unless you start being honest and open, he’s going to lose interest in being with such a downer.) Tell him you don’t want to be depressed, and that you think you’d feel better if the two of you had more communication about your sex life. That’s all you need to stay to start the ball rolling. It doesn’t matter what religion or cultural background you come from. That’s a respectful and honest way of dealing with this problem.

If he’s not interested in your sexual pleasure, you need to understand this selfishness will become part of your relationship together and show itself in other areas. My guess is that he’s not interested in pleasing you because your depression doesn’t make you that exciting to be with. Men want to feel like they’re special and it sounds like the two of you are in a rut in bed. As down as you feel, there’s no way he’s feeling great about the sex, either. Just satisfied, not happy.

But more importantly, you have to stop running away from your problems. This relationship is a way for you to avoid your lack of a life. You need to start working closer to 40 hours a week like everyone else. You need to start making girlfriends outside of your home — not taking care of cats. You need to trade in your video games and start volunteering and helping people less fortunate than yourself and foster hobbies like gardening, cooking, exercise and art or culture.

The failure you feel in your relationship has more to do with your personal life than your relationship. You have a lot on your plate, but you are worth the work it will take to turn your life around. 🙂[/quote]

We have talked a little, I guess it is just that I am embarressed and don’t know how to actually say it. Plus I actually think I now have a job that will give me more hours. I going to write my other job a 2 weeks notice letter. As for the Computer games I don’t think Ither one of us is going to stop playing them. I’ve been a gamer since the late 70’s, with the Atari, then moved on to the C64 tape cassette drive, to a regualr desk top. I learned to program a computer game before I was 10. I learned parts of VB6 before then too. I do have a kind of hobby it is photography, and one day i’ll get back into doing Portrait Photography, I just have to find a way to get enough money for my real mother to send me my background stand w/greenscreen for digital portraits, ( I have 2 canvas backgrounds with me but nothing to set them up with), and for her to send me my 2 Lights that She has down there at her house. So hopefully this new job will help me get a digital camera and a new better faster computer with enough hard drive space , much faster processor, ram, and other stuff to use for the portraits. Also on the plus side since i have moved up here I have lost 20lbs. Down there we have not had a kitchen since we added on to the house. Didn’t have enough money to finish since we got burned by a bad contractor.So we had take out every night. Up here though I can actually make our dinner and eat better. Down there I went from 140 to 183, up here I went from 183-165.

My mother will not get rid of the 40 cats. Since they are rescue cats 6 are diabetics 1 has hypothyroidism, and 1 has FIV (luckly he doesnt bite so isnt a threat to the other cats.) She made a commitment to take care of them. I guess my leaving was also saying you made the commitment now you take care of them.

As far as taking control of my own life that is what I was doing when I decided to just up and leave. Thanks to a bus system they have here I am able to get out and around town. Down there we didn’t have that, and what with not working I didnt have the money for a car, she drove every where. He knew just about everything that was going on at home before I moved up here. That was one of his reasons for asking me to move in with him.

As for the bedroom area I think he doesnt relize he is being selfish. His work has been working him really hard lately especially since it is now summer they are uping the hours. He works in an Icecream plant. I know he gets exauhsted. Monday he called in sick to stay home with me, and no I didn’t ask him to. So I know he is not completely selfish. I think he just doesnt know that sometimes he is being selfish in bed.

[April Masini]

You make some good points in rebuttal 😆 to my advice, that you are moving on and forward in some ways. (It’s great that you stood up to your cat crazy step mom and moved out. It’s great that you’re losing weight! 🙂 And it’s great that you’re moving towards making more money so you can have more freedom in your life. 😀 Those are all terrific steps in a positive direction.)

However….you ignored my advice to you. Embarrassment is not a good reason to accept a problem in the bedroom. Your problem is nothing to be embarrassed about, and the sooner you talk to your boyfriend in the way I suggested, and even using the words I gave you, the sooner you’ll see that he will want to help with this problem. If he’s the good guy you paint him to be, and is just unaware of your crying yourself to sleep at night 😳 😳 then he’s going to want to help. Your sexual needs are important and crying yourself to sleep at night is a red flag that something is wrong. Your pattern is putting yourself in last place. You’ve started breaking that pattern by moving out of your stepmother’s house — don’t stop now. Talk to your boyfriend and work on this problem in your bedroom.

Remember that embarrassment occurs when you think that what you are about to say or do is not worthy, so you feel embarrassed. Embarrassment is close to guilt on the feelings spectrum. When it’s too weighty, it holds you back in your life. That’s what happening to you, now. Find the worth in your feelings and then articulate them so that they’re shared. This is how you evolve yourself and your relationship. So, find courage and talk to him. Banish embarrassment. Stay on this good path towards productive living — talking to him will keep you on that path.

[rdtravis]

I did all of that last night. He had asked me Monday If i couldn’t say it if i thought I would be able to write it down. Well I did in an email to him last night. I type better than write lol (penmanship sucks). He read it this morning when he got up for work at 3am. He said he didn’t know and didn’t mean for me to feel that way. Said he will on it and we will work on other things too.

But…

Now he has gone and done something “special” then wiped all evidence of it from his comp, ie history browser, cookies, emails. Yes he lets me see that stuff normally, and now its driving me nuts. He says i’ll just have to wait till i get home from work tonight. I txted him that that wasn’t fair but he said lol he knew I would go snooping 😮 . I like giving suprises not getting them. OH well. Guess I’ll have to wait. 😆

[April Masini]

Great work! Writing down your feelings when you weren’t comfortable speaking them is a great step [i]towards[/i] speaking them. And it sounds like he wants to help make a change in your relationship. That’s all really good news.

I know you don’t like surprises, but you have to understand that a healthy sexual relationship means relinquishing control as often as you have it, so let him do his thing in terms of surprises, and you work on trying to be in the moment and being open and honest in each of those moments. 😀

[christopher]

I don’t think that you should think that you fail to keep relation.This part of life sometime we come at difficult stage where it be quite difficult to manage everything in right manner.It may be your time just keep continue with effort for nice relationship.I hope you will be succeed.

[April Masini]

I agree with [b]Christopher[/b] – and wish you success!

[Author]

Posts