Fell in love with Married woman

[steven69]

I have a problem , but don’t even know if I deserve to be heard. I have fallen in love with a married woman, and she has fallen in love with me. I can hear everyone laughing out loud at these clichés, but all I can do is state what’s happened.

She is in a dead marriage of 10 years, with a child of 10. It seems as if she was forced to marry by falling pregnant, or did it to do the right thing. She says her husband and her are more like friends now, they keep up appearances but she is not in love. She’s sad that she let it get this far, thinking things might get better early on in the marriage.

We have been seeing each for over a year now. All through this time I have felt feelings of guilt. Initially I said to myself that it was wrong but we needed to be sure about our feelings, so while we were getting to know each other it seemed ok to keep seeing each other. She is working on getting things done so she can leave on her own terms. She wants to be able to support herself and her child and is taking steps towards this. She has said her husband has said that he agrees there is no future, there is real sadness there but they both know it needs to be done.

My only problem is, my feelings of guilt have never gone away. Every time I tell her I feel bad, or we should hold off for a while, she overreacts and assumes I am tired of her, that the love is not real etc. She says things like, if I really loved her I would not be able to say things like “lets stop until you are separated”, because if I loved her I would not be able to bear being without her. My problem is every time I want to do the right thing, or what I think is the right thing, it must seem to her like I’m deserting her. But I never wanted to be the reason she left him, I wanted her to be doing that anyway, on her own. If I feel I am responsible for it in any way I couldn’t live with myself. She assures me that without me she would do it anyway, but this doesnt make me feel like I am not involved somehow. I risk losing her every time because it feels to her like I am leaving her, even if I try tell her that I will wait for her.

I’m really not sure what to do. She trivialises what I am doing, the thing that I feel is terrible, this cheating I am doing, it seems she doesnt believe it should be that big a thing. Or she feels that our love should be bigger than the guilt I am feeling.

[Anonymous]

Steve i very much agree with the part when the woman with whom you are in love feels that the love between you two should be greater than the feeling of guilt. But I am confused with the guilt part-what’s the guilt here? You are not the one who cause trouble in their bondship after their marriage. So instead of you its both the husband and the wife are to be blamed each other for their relationship to be on rocks. Now if the situation had been like this-the husband and wife were in true love with each other but after your arrival its the woman who started betraying her husband to fulfill yr advances then i feel there is certainly to feel something bitter about. But that’s not the case here as you have mentioned or as i interpret. The woman from the beginning was unsatisfied. When the couple in question feel that they are no longer compatible with each other and should instead knock the exit door, then you should appreciate the split up because ultimately it is going to keep her happy whether you stay with her or not.
You should not brother about what the society has to say. When her love for you is still rock solid as it was when it started and vice-versa, stop perceiving what your guilt part in yr mind has to suggest, else you are going to wind up like a failure.I feel your conscience is clear and if its so, then you should accept her with wide hands. In the words of Bart: “Let the heart want what it wants.”

[Anonymous]

Hi Tom

Thanks for the reply. It was quite a shock, and a bolt from the blue to see those words. I’ll elaborate further in the next post, just hoping to catch you while youre still online

More to follow….

[Anonymous]

Hi Tom

As I said, your words, a bolt from the blue. Weird, because she said the same things as you. Even used the word “society”, and what society thinks. I have to be clear on the couple itself, and what they have decided. It is only in the last month or less they have used the words ‘separate’, before that it seemed an aimless drifting, with no real love. The wife was unhappy, and she says the husband chose to ignore the signs and not confront them. With the latest development there has been talk of houses, and practical plans.

But as you say, the problem was there in the bond, it was not created by me. In terms of love, my love for her is very strong, more than I’ve felt with anyone else. For her, it seems as strong, even stronger, but I have to factor in that she is in a low place and her love for me may be amplified by loneliness, the whole ‘rebound’ factor.

I wasnt sure what you meant by “When the couple in question feel that they are no longer compatible with each other and should instead knock the exit door, then you should appreciate the split up because ultimately it is going to keep her happy whether you stay with her or not. “?

But I would like to hear what women think on this. Maybe the whole male “hunter” attitude is encompassed in your reply, the whole “fair game” idea. Then again, if I am male (which I am!), it would not be out of character for me to behave like one!

Maybe I am very old fashioned in my views, and it may cost me an incredible woman. She is from tempestuous Latin America, and I am from Zimbabwe but with a conservative English style upbringing: I would say I am more conservative than her.

Nobody said love was easy!

[April Masini]

[b]Tom’s [/b]advice is very clear and interesting and it absolutely makes sense. But I don’t think that society is what is making you feel guilty, and frankly, your guilt seems to be the problem you’re writing about, so I’d like to address that first.

Guilt is a sign that you’re straying from your moral compass. It’s a flashing yellow light that lets you know your behavior isn’t matching your ethics. So regardless of where your guilt came from or whether it’s right or wrong in anyone’s eyes, you, personally, are feeling it, and you don’t like that feeling.

You’re also feeling pressured from your girlfriend who doesn’t want you to do what you think is right, and that is of concern — not because either one of you is right, but that she wants you to do what she thinks is right FOR HER, not you. Another way for her to react which would be more of a compromise would be to stop seeing you for six months while she takes care of business, gets divorced, moves on, and starts her life as a single woman without you being there for her so that YOU can feel like she divorced her husband on her own accord and not because you were her rebound guy or the guy who’d take the ex-husband’s place in any way. After six months of her being on her own, you could pick up where you left off and being dating her again, this time as two single people. You could decide if you want to marry her, and get to know her ten year old child as a potential stepchild.

This isn’t THE ANSWER. It’s just one [i]possible[/i] compromise that would [i]possibly[/i] alleviate your feelings of guilt that are upsetting you.

Tom definitely has a strong point when he says that dead relationship or not, if you are the reason she gets out of a bad marriage, then there is merit in your relationship whether or not it is illicit. For example, if eating tons of candy that gives you cavities got you off of a crack cocaine addiction, then eating that candy that normally isn’t good for you and having cavities as a result, is a lot better in the long run than staying addicted to crack cocaine, eat the candy! 😆 So, having an affair with you that is cheating, may get her out of a dead marriage and make her life better — if you follow that logic.

Here’s the problem that may or may not be relevant. The question looms why her marriage died. How dead is it? What effect will a divorce have on the child, as opposed to staying in the dead marriage for the child’s sake for eight more years until the child is launched into adulthood? All of that information that we don’t have here, enters into the mix. Also unanswered are questions about this woman’s history. For instance, does she run from problems, or roll up her sleeves and do the work required when the going gets tough and will she do the same to you down the line?

Ultimately, YOU have to weigh all this and to the best of your ability try to imagine your relationship with her in ten years. If your marriage goes into an emotional relationship valley, will the two of you look elsewhere? Quit? What if just she does? Or you?

I know this is heavy stuff, but I also know you can answer these questions without pressuring yourself, and come to a good conclusion for yourself at this time in your life. I hope this helps – and that [b]Tom[/b] will chime in with his take on my advice!! 🙂

[Anonymous]

I second on you April. Reality isn’t the way one wish things to be, nor the way they appear to be, but the way they actually are. Steve, I feel April has clarified yr situation pragmatically and now you would be able to decide your next course of action. My best wishes with you, Steve and thanks April for providing us the psychic insights.

[April Masini]

Thanks, Tom.

I hope Steve lets us know what he decides to do and how things work out. We all learn from each others’ situations.

[Author]

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