Flame Dying?

[Captain]

Hi April,

I’m in a bit of a crisis. Recently, I’ve felt the spark and the flame of our relationship simply fade away. She’s been nothing but good to me over the years, yet, I just don’t feel the same connection–the same excitement (however, I have felt excitement when I pick her up from the train station, for instance). I feel horrible/confused because of how I’m feeling. It feels like I’m falling out of love for her. To add extra info to the scenario, I currently suffer from ADHD and Clinical Depression. I also work midnight shifts. We live a few states apart, but we keep in communication on Skype and the phone and such. I have recently found myself poking around dating sites, but I’ve never followed through with anything (nor have I told her this, as I feel like it’s going to hurt our relationship, and I don’t want to jump the gun, as it were). I don’t want to make a move I’m going to regret, because I have loved her greatly over the past few years, but, I need to know the truth of things and the action I should take. I’ve communicated most of my concerns to my girlfriend, and she’s been supportive of me. She thinks the depression is affecting how I’m feeling as it relates to our relationship, among other things such as my living conditions, working hours, etc.

On to the questions: How will I know IF and WHEN there’s a time to cut it off? Is what I’m experiencing normal, like a lull, or is it something that’s indicative of something else, like a need to break-up, or even some other issues I need to fix? I want to know if there’s anything I can do, and finally, what you would advise me to do. Thank you 🙂!

[April Masini]

You’re 24 years old in a four year relationship — feelings ebb and flow. Sometimes they even fade away. You’ve got a lot of factors you’re considering as catalysts for the fading feelings, like your depression, ADHD and the fact that this is a long distance relationship. But in any circumstance, at your age, you may be wondering what else is out there for you after a four year commitment — not every 24 year old guy is ready for the long-term. Feelings fade and not everyone is ready for the same commitment at the same time. What you’re going through is normal, even though you describe it as a crisis.

The hard part is that nobody has done anything wrong. It’s easy to leave a relationship when there’s been cheating, abuse or constant bickering. That type of relationship ending feels justified. But since you’re both good people and your biggest problem is feelings fading, you may feel guilty and wonder if you’re throwing something away that you shouldn’t. And yet… you’re looking online at dating sites to see what’s out there. It’s a tough balance. Please know that even 30, 40 and 50 year olds in long-term marriages also feel the way you do — not sure if it’s better to stay or go. You’re not alone!

My advice is to be as upfront as you have been with your girlfriend and let her know you want to play the field. Appreciate her suggestion that the depression is causing your stress, but explain that you can’t ignore what you feel and you owe it to both of you to not stay in a dating relationship where you’re not all in, especially after four years. If she isn’t open to your [i]both[/i] playing the field — which is a suggestion I only make because of the long distance — then I think you have to move on. I hope that helps.

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