friend problem after sleeping together

[moose]

need advice,me and my female friend have known each other for 13 years shes 3 years older than me weve always been there for each other and both of us have been threw divorce but not with each other.we got closer than friends 2 weeks ago we spent the night together,she made the first move just one time thou,ever since its been,hard to get along with each other,she tells me now shes fealing like im treating her like my girlfriend im not trying too everytime we see each other she hugs and kisses me and when she comes over to my house its like she acts like nothing happend at all,and i cant just shut off my fealings i told her straight,i care about her and i really like her and this was before we slept together,she tells me now if i dont start acting like firends like we used to.me and her cant be friends anymore,i havent dated in years since the divorce and i thaught i would never feal this way about anyone ever again i thaught she felt the same way but now im fealing heart broke and confussed i dont want to loose my friend and i dont know what shes thinking

any advice would be nice.thanks

[April Masini]

The real problem here is that you haven’t dated in years since your divorce. It’s time.

You need to get out there, and start looking for Ms. Right. And trust me, she [i]IS[/i] out there! If you’re having trouble getting back in the game, check out my book, Date Out of Your League, that I wrote specifically for men who are looking for a wonderful woman, but can’t quite find her. I think you can use this book to help you get back out there, now that it’s been long enough for you to have gotten over your divorce, and it’s time to move on in the dating arena. You deserve it.

You can get the book by clicking on this link: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url] The $14.95 book downloads, so you can start reading this week. You’ll feel better once you start taking this matter into your own hands.

Where you’ve gotten into trouble is by falling for an old friend of yours who happens to be divorced also. But you didn’t even make the first move — she did. It resulted in a one night stand, and she’s not interested in anything but being friends with you. She’s making it very clear to you. Do yourself a big favor and listen to her. There’s nothing there for you.

When you’ve gone through a trauma like a divorce, it’s easy to feel connected to old friends who kind of fly under the radar. If you’d pursued this woman as if she was someone you’d just met, rather than someone who’s a safe friend, you might never have ended up in bed with her. In fact, I’d bet you wouldn’t have. I know you’re heartbroken because you’re mistaking 13 years of friendship with her for logged in time in a romantic relationship. The reality is she’s doing you a big favor by taking herself off of your possible date list. She’s not interested.

You’ve just been burned by rejection in a failed marriage, and maybe the divorce wasn’t your idea either, but regardless, seeing your ex-wife move on can hurt, no matter how much you loathed her at the end of the marriage. So any little sting, like this friend not wanting to be your girlfriend, is going to hurt more right now.

I hope you’ll consider what I call The Numbers Game when it comes to dating. You’re going to have to get up to bat numerous times in order to get that one grand slam where you hit the ball out of the park, and find Ms. Right. Dating takes work, so roll up your sleeves, read my book, and get out there. You’re going to feel a whole lot better when you start dating women who do want you for who you are. Go get ’em!

[moose]

thanks for the advice yeah my divorce wasnt my idea i came home from work early no kidding,yeah the divorce devastated me i almost didnt survive it i started drinking and got really depressed i never drank before the divorce.the past couple years ive just been working and hiding at home im happy with it i have a few friends other than work.me and my female friend havent talked much latley,i cant help but to feal like theres more than friends there but she just wanted a fling and still wants to be friends .looks like me and my female friend arent going to be friends anymore wich hurts also,ill read youre book im not much of a reader i know typical guy.but it will help i dont know how to fix whats broke if i dont have the repiar manual ha ha my fist time on a forum asking for help glad i signed up.im not much for datting anymore too much rejection like the ac/dc song shot down in flames,and im not into the bar scenes i went to the site eharmony years ago there free test told me there was no one out there for me seriously i still have the print out i asnwerd honestly.if i grow old and die alone someday ive come to accept that its the way things are i can accept it no big deal.and as far as miss right theres no such thing for me i dont want to ever get married again i have a tattoo to to remind me everyday not to get maried again i used to be the guy that opened car doors braught flowers but now i,just go to work take things day by day thanks for the advice nice website.moose

[April Masini]

Sorry, Moose, but I don’t buy you being single. I think you’re the marrying kind. I think you’re very sensitive, and you got burned, and you’re having trouble getting out of your own head and feeling like a victim.

I hope that I can be the kick in the pants that gets you out of hiding. If I had any influence over you, I’d tell you to put down the bottle and pick up a gym membership. The YMCA works, or a fancy health club does, too. If you start working out, you’re going to start feeling better. Go every day after work.

I don’t know what you look like, but I’m suggesting you get a hair cut, buy a few new clothes, and start going out for coffee every Sunday morning at your local coffee shop. Pick up coffee, a newspaper and sit down and read for an hour. Smile at any cute women who pass your table. In fact, smile at the ones who aren’t cute, too. You need the practice!

You have a job, you’re going to look great after going to the gym and getting a haircut and some new clothes, and before long, women are going to be interested in you. You won’t be able to deny it, and you’ll notice your own interest in them.

This is just for starters.

So do it, and let me know how things go. There [i]is[/i] life after divorce. I swear.

[Steve]

Maybe I can compliment April’s points, Moose, with a few more from a male perspective. I’m a divorced man as well (34)…the divorce wasn’t my call either. For me it wasn’t so much the “broken-heart” but the concern over how it affects my daughter and the feeling of failing of family life, which was always the cornerstone of my motivation. Sure, at first I felt a little heart-broken and insecure over my ex-wife’s decision to leave the marriage, but I quickly decided that I would focus on my successes in life and not my failures. At first I wanted to think about all of the things I did wrong in the marriage to make her leave, then realized, that it wasn’t me who failed, it was her…she was the one making the decision and not willing to do what it takes for a successful marriage. I wasn’t perfect, but I was always a pretty darn good husband, provider and most of all a great father.

Then there was the “fear” that once I would be single again that the choice of available women at my would be limited to those incapable of making relationships work in the first place…a good friend asked me one time if I believed that I was a good man capable of love and the ability to maintain happy and healthy relationships. Of course I said I was, he then asked me why I would be the only single/divorced person around in that situation…obviously, I got the point.

Once I started focusing all the things I’ve done right and realized that there were plenty of other women out there who would relate to my circumstances and vice-versa, I found myself excited to re-enter the dating world. As April suggests, I did make some appearance changes in hair style and style of dress…I’ve always been a fairly confident man, but since my confidence was a little shaken this time, these changes really helped me get it back. Suddenly I was feeling young and energized and had a great time getting out there dating again…in fact, I used to tell my married buddies that the consolation prize for a failed marriage is that you get to get out there darting again like when you were young, except this time armed with a lot more wisdom. I met a lot of interesting women and had a lot of fun dates, even the ones that didn’t work out so well…eventually I was introduced to someone, which has developed into an exclusive relationship that we both very much enjoy…at least for now. The great news is that while I can see this developing into a lasting relationship…I also know that if things don’t work out, it will be fine because I’ve been through it before.

In addition to April’s advice about going to the gym, coffee shop etc., I recommend you go back to the online dating sites like e-harmony or match and keep looking. Just because the first result was no match, doesn’t mean a thing other than your criteria might be to narrow and/or your Ms. Right simply hasn’t signed up for that particular site yet.

Above all else though, think about your successes and what you have to offer…the things that have enabled you to succeed in your career and every other area of. Even if you feel like you failed at your marriage, remember that while it takes two people for a successful marriage, it only takes one for it to fail…you didn’t make the decision…she did. Thus the onus of the failure is more hers than yours…I’m not saying to ignore any accountability for mistakes you might have made…definitely own up and learn from those, but just remember that you still had it in you to make it work, she is the one who “threw in the towel.”

[April Masini]

Thank you, Steve, for that great male perspective on getting back to “the living” after divorce. I want to add and invite Moose to let go of any blame for the divorce. That means not blaming yourself [i]or[/i] your ex-wife. This isn’t easy, because blame keeps us from accepting uncomfortable and hurtful rejection, but it’s a goal you can shoot for. Too often anger and blame fester long after a divorce has been completed. In fact, some people take the anger to their graves with them. Sadly, this doesn’t hurt the person they’re blaming. It only hurts the person holding the blame.

Rejection is hurtful, but once you realize that you’ve been set free by someone who didn’t want you anymore, to get out there and find someone who does, you’ll realize that it was truly the only road you had to happiness. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be with you, leads to misery. While it’s sad that people take marriage vows to be together until death, and don’t honor them, there is a bright side to freedom. I’m not advocating divorce, but if you do find yourself in that bucket, as more than half of married people do, it’s not the end of the world. In fact, it’s the beginning of the next chapter.

Life happens, and we all get surprises, both good and bad. It’s important to look at the past for any clues that guide you in your future. For example, when Moose looked at his divorce, he realized that he was a good provider and a great father. Those are two assets he can be proud of and offer up in his next relationship. He can also try and look back and see that perhaps his ex-wife didn’t intend to leave the marriage when she first married him. It was something neither one of them could project into the future on their wedding day. So he can understand that you do the best you can but all of our plans in life are subject to redirection! Sometimes it’s because of a hurricane that blows down your home, and other times it’s because of a great woman who rocks your world.

When one day Moose does find love with a great woman (and I KNOW that day is coming — even if he doesn’t right now! 😉 ) he can look back and be grateful to his ex-wife for having children with him (because they are part of both he and his ex-wife) and for allowing him the freedom in his life that the divorce afforded to find true love again with someone who really wants him, and to live happily ever after, even if the story took a few twists and turns along the way!

Forgiveness is part of healing, and an important key to being generous in all aspects of life.

[moose]

thanks for the advice i just went to eharmony took the free test again takes a while,same answer as before no women on earth is compatable with me,it was a good idea.yeah if my hair gets any shorter ill be bald haha i dont wear anything im not comfortable with i get really nervous feal outta place,so i wear jeens and t shirts,im a blue color worker im happy with my job and skills,so i dress for what makes me feal comfortable i feal like if i dress nice females like me for sothing im not.as far as coffee shops ive never been to one its like drinking black water,i make coffee at home yeah its pretty strong but i like it none of my friends can drink it haha.thanks for all the advice and imfo as far as dating sites uh hmm.ill think about it as far as marriage im done i was raised to beleive once youre married its supposed to be for eternity,no divorce ,i couldt go threw another divorce again it would be too much.i would like to find a girlfirend,im tired of sleeping alone sounds funny but its how i feal,ive gotten used to going where i want when i want camping,fishing,boating,hunting,riding my harley.and i tried dating after my divorce and acouple times past couple years no luck.i stoped trying to date because of all the rejection was hard to deal with.i dont drink everynight maybe acouple beers here and there,some jackdaniels on the weekends or when i go camping,hunting,me and my friends drink,thanks for all the advice.oh me and my female friend still arnet talking ive known her for so long i will miss being firends with her.moose

[Steve]

So, April…when you say, “I want to add and invite Moose to let go of any blame for the divorce. That means not blaming yourself or your ex-wife.” I kind of suspect that even though you are referring to Moose here, there’s some subtle advice for me in there as well…to that end…duly noted. 😉 I went back and read my post and noticed that there must be a little resentment still left toward my ex…I try not to do that as she is my daughter’s mother and it is much better for our daughter if we can respect each other. The funny thing is that I regularly have to remind my own mother of the very same thing (“Mom, I know you are still upset with her for leaving the marriage, but remember that she is still your granddaughter’s mother and your granddaughter loves her mother very much.”)…yet here I am talking about her being responsible for the failure of the marriage…I’ll work on that!

Back to Moose…I know it won’t change your outlook now, but maybe it will help…stop thinking about all the reasons why not and just come up with one good reason why. You know there is absolutely no truth to the idea that there isn’t any one Earth compatible with you. I once took the eHarmony “personality profile” (I assume that’s the free test you’re referring to) and as I recall it doesn’t give you any absolutes such as what types of women you are compatible with, but rather it gives you a narrative of what types of positive and negative reactions people might have toward you…go back and look at some of those positives.

Also try some other sites…I never used eHarmony because my divorce wasn’t final at the time and they won’t let you on the site if you’re just separated. Try match.com…there you can complete your own profile and they walk you through the characteristics of what you’re looking for rather than what types of people are compatible with you. Then they will provide you with profiles of women who meet your criteria…let them decide if they feel compatible, not some test (keep in mind you get to decide who you’re compatible with too…it goes both ways). Don’t worry about the rejection it’s a necessary part of the process…remember what Ted Williams once said…“Those that fail ‘only’ seven times out of ten attempts will be the greatest in the game.” Or perhaps you’re a football guy…not only does Brett Favre hold the NFL record for the most career passing yards, he also holds the record for the most career interceptions. Maybe you’re not a sports guy at all…Part of my job is in sales and there’s a saying among the most successful sales people that goes, “I am more successful than you because I’ve heard ‘No’ more times than you.” In other words, significant numbers of failures are a necessary ingredient for success…in any aspect of life dating and relationships are no different.

Regarding your decision not to dress or adjust your style in ways outside your comfort-zone because it makes you nervous…of course it will, at first. Weren’t you nervous the first day of anew job? Surely you were, but you still went because you needed the job…eventually you became more comfortable. It doesn’t change who you are, simply how you present who you are…surely you’ve heard the saying that, “even a Ferrari needs a tune-up once in a while.” At one point you said you used to be the guy that opened doors for women and brought flowers…you still are that guy, you’re just not doing those things these days.

Lastly, you say you’re done with marriage because you don’t want to go through another divorce…not every marriage ends in divorce, in fact I believe only about half of them do. So, based on that statistic, your odds should be pretty good the second time around (I remember once I had to fly with a colleague who had a fear of flying and had never flown before…I suggested a specific airline because they had a perfect record of zero crashes…he declined and said he wanted to fly on the airline with the most crashes…statistically speaking they’ve already gotten theirs out of the way.)

Sorry to be so persistent…but you just remind me so much of myself that I can’t help it. I dreaded the very idea of dating again after my divorce and at first it was very awkward and I had a defeatist attitude, but soon I started to adjust and have fun. In fact…when I was first approached by a friend about being introduced to my current girlfriend, my automatic response was that I’d be happy to meet her because I’m always up for an adventure…had I not done all the things I am suggesting above, I’m sure my response would have been no thanks…it won’t work out and it will just make everyone involved uncomfortable and I would have missed out on the opportunity to meet this wonderful woman who may or may not turn out to be a very important part of my future.

Like I said, I know I probably won’t change your mind now, but hopefully this all gives you more to think about…opening doors and bringing flowers is something that makes you feel good…find someone who will appreciate those types of things and you will both be much happier.

[April Masini]

Let me respond to Moose first, and then I’ll get to Steve afterwards.

I think it’s great that you know you don’t want to sleep alone and you want a girlfriend. Being in a committed long term relationship is really great for someone like you who seems to like tradition, and while it’s not officially legal, like marriage, don’t fool yourself into thinking it’s any less important.

It sounds like you’re a great guy who’s a little 😆 stubborn! My suggestions of a coffee shop, a new shirt or a haircut were just a couple of off the cuff pieces of advice for you to shake things up a little and change your routine. I don’t care if you make your own sludge-like coffee or drink a gallon of soy latte cappucino! The point is to get our of your rut. Drink water, for all I care — but do something different than what you’ve been doing because that old routine isn’t working for you. If all you eat is hot dogs and sodas, try a different hot dog stand in a different part of town. Or try a burger! Or ask a woman in the supermarket where you buy your hot dogs and burgers what the heck she likes about those turkey dogs, I mean, really? Turkey dogs? If online dating isn’t yielding anyone for you, don’t go there. If a specific site tells you they don’t have anyone for you, try something else.

You see what I mean?

You’re stuck in a bit of a rut, and you’re denying yourself — and some great women out there who want to meet you and go out with you, but can’t because they’re not where you are — the opportunity for love and intimacy.

Shake it up, Moose!

[April Masini]

Hey, Steve! I appreciated what you wrote about letting go of blame for your divorce. When you’re ready to let go of blame, you’re really ready for a more enlightened life — and a greater level of love and intimacy. When you blame someone for a divorce ending you’re really giving them responsibility that they never had in the first place. Humans are flawed — big time! We forget that when we’re hurt or rejected. Sometimes it doesn’t occur to us that they’re making a mistake, or we should have seen this coming, or there was no way that with the tools we had we could have foreseen a split. All we feel is hurt. So we lash out, and blame people.

The best we can do is try to be understanding and responsible for ourselves, and when it comes to love, know our selves and what we want, who we’re partnering with or marrying. That’s what I try to help you with.

Your ex-wife is part of your past, because you’re no longer with her romantically. But she’s also part of your present and your future because you have a daughter together. And if you hate something in your ex-wife, you’re hating a part of your daughter. That’s a really hard concept to come to terms with in real life! Some people never do. They let the hurt in their lives tarnish their futures.

So if you can find a way to understand that both you and your ex-wife did the best you could with what you had when you were together, and it still didn’t work out, then maybe you can accept the failure as a failure of that relationship at that time. Now, you get to raise your daughter. And anyone who speaks ill of her, you or her mother, needs to be set right. You can tell your mom, “I know you’re trying to be protective of me when you speak badly of your granddaughter’s mother, but I don’t like it, and I want you to stop it. She’s important in our lives because she’s the mother of my daughter and your granddaughter, so let’s just accept her and be civil at least and kind at best.”

I promise that your daughter will live a better life for your behavior on her mom’s behalf, and she’ll be much more able to accept and love a stepmother if you choose to re-marry.

[moose]

thanks for all the imfo,yeah i understand where you guys are coming from outta of the rut out into some fun thanks.me and my female friend talked tonight,i just told her i dont think we can be friends any longer i cant just be friends anymore,my fealings for her are in the way.yeah no mariage for me no more kids enuff court custody battles,legal fees,divorce is not a process i want to think about let alone walking down the isle again.yeah im a little one sided but i guess im out for my self now.ive bent over backwards for too many girlfriends,and friends and got a swift kick in the butt for it,yeah i understnad females like a guy who looks nice,dresses nice and all that,to me it says hey i got money,to me id rather dress how i feal is comfortable if the ladys dont like it oh well i work for a living im not rockefeller im a redneck country guy who listens to country music- howdy yall-its who i am.yeah i havent been happy in along time ive tried to find happyness,got me i thaught i found happyness laltey with my long time female friend i just got the ugly reminder.get too close get hurt my fault i got too close i shoulda know better i havent felt this way in a long time.i decided im going to sell my harley and my truck this weekend.get somthing different that wont remind me of my long time female friend.and i got outta of the house tonight i went to a bar acouple towns over i had a beer sat bymyself as usual talked to acouple females at the bar got acouple laughs well at least im a comedian i guess,i rode my harley and a few females were checking it out while they were outside smoking cancer sticks,one lady looked by herself so i asked hey do you want to go for a ride,her husband came out of the bar and got all pissed off,it wasnt my fault she wasnt wearing a wedding ring,i shoulda stayed home,i cant stand drama and head games im done i tried.i just want to stay home watch movies or go camping once in a while and go deer hunting in october.im just bummed i lost my friend tonight i dont have too many friends left.
ill check this site time to time see whats new thanks again.moose has left the building

[April Masini]

Good for you that you’re shaking it up by selling your Harley and your truck to buy something different that doesn’t remind you so much of the past, and invites a new future. This is what I’m talking about! Great idea to change it up a little this way.

As for asking a woman if she wanted a ride on your bike, and then her husband walked out of the bar — 😆 — you’ve gotta laugh that one off. Who knew?? She [i]wasn’t[/i] wearing a ring! Honest mistake, and it should have gotten a laugh. Don’t let [i]that[/i] send you back into your cave!

I think you’ve gotten a lot of good advice here. Hope it works for you!

[Author]

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