Friends with benefits.

[Smokey]

Hello,

I lost my job and my friend in the same week. It’s killing me right now, so i thought it might help if i just talk about it…

…Met this girl at work and we got along like fire – always talking on the phone, went to lunch together everyday, and generally hung out alot together. We both felt really comfortable with each other. I should of known what was happening when she kept bringing up her ex in most conversations, saying how good i was compared to him etc. – typical rebound signals! But I was totally blind to this because I was beginning to fall for this girl.

She broke up with her ex 4 months before we started seeing each other (after a 5yr relationship, which ended when he was physically violent to her)!

Anyway, things went way too fast and we ended up having sex. We talked about this after and agreed to be just friends. But nothing really changed, we still hung out. After a week, she said she still wants me & we ended up having sex again. At the time I had doubts about this ‘friends with benefits’ thing. But this carried on for another month…

…And then she starts acting cold around me and says nothing is wrong. I kept bringing this up in conversation and eventually pushed the truth out of her. She said that, she’s still in love with her ex and they’ve been talking and even hanging out a few times. She feels she had cheated on her ex about us having sex. Now everytime she see me, she’s guilt ridden and can’t stop blaming herself.

We’ve been trying to avoid each other for almost 3 weeks now. And it’s real tough when she sits opposite me everyday at work (wished the company let me take garden leave)! It does tend to get easier and I have some bad days & nights when I would think about her… But keeping myself busy helps.
The saving grace for me, is that we kept this a secret from people at work.

One thing i don’t understand is, why she feels she needs to avoid me? Surely we could just stay friends?
Now I feel like i’m being punished for something i’ve done. Dammit, i thought writing this would help me too, but now i feel kinda sad 🙁

Smokey.

[ThinkingRight]

A lot of women when they feel guilty try to avoid the guy they had the fling with. She probably also worries that if she’s friends with you people (and especially the boyfriend) will suspect something has gone on. Basically, I think she avoids you so that no one has any reason to think you two hooked up. I’ll bet you the boyfriend doesn’t know and that she doesn’t want him to know and that’s why she’s keeping her distance.

[Smokey]

I don’t get why would she feel guilty about it? Considering she officially broke up with her abusive boy friend months ago – so technically she didn’t cheat.

Do you think I should give her some space for now or just totally forget about her and move on?
I don’t want to see her get hurt again if she does decide to run back to her ex-bf.

[Anonymous]

Hi Smokey,
Thanks for responding to my issues. Sorry about the lack of paragraphs , I also had a lot to say so it was and usually hard to keep things short and sweet.. But you did help and so did April I just got her book.
So I see your posted issues was from a long while ago, I hope things are better for you, I think the girl liked you needed some comfort and was not done healing from her relationship. I think it had no reflection on you, she just can not face you because she feels lke she said guilty.
The unemployment thing , well that is a bummer, me too, I am on unemployment and going back to school so hopefully I will find a job soon while I add to my education.
Take care and hope things are well with you.
sep211

[Smokey]

Thanks Sep211.
lol. Looking at my original post again bring back some memories – damn i was messed up then!

I have been getting better since i went NC (no contact), she no longer occupies my mind throughout the day and when something does remind me of her (like a certain song, joke, or even a stupid ad on tv), the pain or anger isn’t there anymore. A few months ago, my emotions would of fluctuated like the weather (some days I’m good, then it hurts again). But i can clearly see that I’m healing with each passing day.

I did have a horrible set back, when we accidentally bumped into each other and i couldn’t bail (sent me into a confused panic mode for a week). Found out she did go back out with her ex when she dumped me with her immature silent treatment. Her abusive ex eventually dumped her and she’s single again. She kept ringing and texting me that we should talk. I should of been totally ecstatic, right? Wrong… ’cause she never even apologized! Even if the chemistry that we had is still there, my respect and trust for her have gone.

Looking back now, i don’t think she was right for me (too naive, immature & selfish). So I continued to stay NC. But the painful experience wasn’t totally wasted because i have learned more about myself and relationships. When i feel ready i will try again (it always puzzles me, how my friend can jump from relationship to relationship so quickly).
The most important thing I’ve learned is: the more confident, balanced & secure you become, the more likely you are to heed ‘red flags’ and pick out bad people, because you set boundaries and KEEP to them.

It’s how life works – it’s about balance. Good luck on your journey Sep211.

[Anonymous]

Hi Smokey,
Glad to hear you are doing well. It does take a long time to heel, but i am guilty of rushing into relationships too, I guess its a sign of co-dependancy and I need to work on that. I did receive some nasty e mails from the last guy i just broke up with, the one who I think has a drinking problem and no car and two boys to take care of . He wrote some real mean things just because I said I am concerned about us being able to have a stable future financially and emotionallly because of his responsibility to his two boys, his ex wife lost her job, I am unemployed back in school for graphic arts, and of course not financially stable. He ripped my family apart me even said to just stay with my stupid dog. He is 47 I am 37 he is really immature and unstable emotionaly he was in the marines for ten years I think some things affected him but its no excuse. He is now writting me e-mails still that now he misses me and he is sorry IF he hurt me . I do feel bad because when he was looking for an apartment he looked for one that accepted dogs, which made it much more difficult to find one and he was doing it for me so if I stayed over or came to his place i could bring her. But guess what I was the one who drove him around looking and also found the apartment for him. I just recieved another e mail today where he was making some jokes to make me laugh and that he really misses me. All I know is that after what he said I could never trust him anyway and he is unstable reguardless of the mean e mail. I have not answered him I think it’s best . I feel lonely yes, but I think I need to have some space for some time.
I know that it is wrong for some women to feel they want a relationship with a man who is financially stable. I know I am not the gold digger type, but I want to raise a family and i do not want to have a child and leave them in some crappy day care or have someone else nurture my child through the first 2 years or until they are ready for pre- school. If my someday husband were to loose his job that is different but to start out scrapping pennies and with someone who already has two children and should give the best he can give them is first in my
book. He does not seem to think it would be a problem, but I only see trouble with him. And right now I can not contribute financially to a relationship either. They say that money is the root of all evil. I think it is partially true. What about you? What do you think as a man about money and relationships?
Sorry so long of a letter, hope you had a nice weekend. I am in NJ it was nice.
Sept2111

[Smokey]

Hey Sep211,
I’m glad you managed to find the strength to ignore this guy’s pathetic attempt to ‘win’ you back. A lot of people would have given up and kept the drama going. My weekend sucked. Not exactly sure why, but i’ve been a bit crabby lately. I am not in the mood to talk to anyone and i just isolate myself (both for others sake and my own sanity). Occasionally, my friend will push some chips and salsa toward me with a stick. That helps 😀

Anyway, back on topic. . .
[quote=”Sep211″]…it is wrong for some women to feel they want a relationship with a man who is financially stable.[/quote]
Why is it wrong? I don’t see anything wrong with setting boundaries, in fact people need to KNOW what they do & don’t want in a relationship. It’s when someone have no clue, that’s when they’re likely to just settle. I’m certainly not one to just settle. I’m still looking for full-time work right now, and i would hate to burden someone else with my problems because i don’t have my career and life in order yet. But the fact is, everyone is different, so will have different boundaries and priorities.

Having excessive amounts money isn’t a priority for me when compare to honesty, stability, compassion, and self respect. That’s just me, i don’t think i can speak for other men about their values. My friend would definitely say money. Who’s right? Neither. You just need to find someone that is on the same page as you (nothing wrong with that).

[April Masini]

Let me know how things are going for you…. 😀

[Author]

Posts