[relationshipa1]

Hi,

I have been with the same woman for the over 20 years and we were married twice and separated too many times to count but always seem to find our way back. We haven’t lived together for over a year and we both thought we were done. We have done things together including sex but recently she has lost her bitter edge and resentful feelings towards me due to our on and off again stuff and my lack of loving feelings, money and other typical problems. I have had a burst of feelings come from nowhere like I haven’t had for years and I want to try and work things out. She is very skeptical and promised herself she wouldn’t go thru another try with me. She sometimes says she could possibly try but other times says she just don’t think she can do it. I know I have been cold and unfeeling acting a lot but it doesn’t mean I am. I sometimes don’t show my emotions for various reasons , like letting someone know they are getting to me or hide some other feeling. Anyway my feelings feel as real as they get and not expected. I was planning a long trip (4 months) but I don’t know if I should go and try to move on or stay and try to slowly work at rebuilding our relationship. She says she still loves me and I get the feeling that if she knew we could stop this pattern and be happy she would want to get back together. I admit I didn’t always have the right feelings for her at least on the surface and I thought there was probably someone better for me out there. I think I had the right gal all along and didn’t know it. Now I probably lost her. She loved me too much and carried the marriage a lot. This is my second wife and the first burnt me pretty bad so I was well guarded most of the time. Is it best to give her time and space ? Or is it best to be there and show her I am serious and will do what it takes to make it right. Or should I take the hint and move on ?

[Anonymous]

I should elaborate more on our on again off again relationship. When we are apart and the longer we are apart we get along great and even have more sex . When we are living together things slowly go downhill. She becomes bitchy , bitter, and resentful for past and present things. I withdraw and become pissy and not too loving and not pleasant to be around. She says after we’ve been apart one or the other comes back into the picture when the other has things going well and the pattern starts again. We’ve had some bad things happen during our time together. She had thyroid cancer which to her I was not very supportive. Looking back at it , it’s true. That was my first dealing with cancer at such a close person. I didn’t know how to act so I was pretty much a dummy not doing much of anything and not showing support while really be scared to death. We have 2 girls and they were both raped by my older son from first marriage and we didn’t find out for years afterwards. She had a mid life crisis affair and lived with the guy , which led to a divorce. So we have had some challenges. And while she was with the other guy and did have a couple of girlfriends too. Through-out it all we were friends about 95% of the time. I’m not too good at knowing the right thing to do. I pretty much did the wrong things when things were falling apart so I don’t trust my judgemnet. In this case , part of me wants to run away which is what I typically do and part wants to hang around and try to win her back and hope we can fix what’s wrong and break the pattern.

[April Masini]

If you do get back together with your off again on again wife, you’re very, very, very likely to repeat the same patterns you have over the last 20 years you’ve been on and off with her. In fact, I’m almost one hundred percent certain nothing has changed in your life that shows you will be any different this time around.

While you have a lot of history with your ex-wife, the best way for you to break this pattern you have with her, is to move on with your life, and not be with her. I think you’re making a lot of excuses for your behavior rather than dealing with the behavior you exhibited that is not good for any relationship.

Hiding your feelings, becoming bitter and nasty when you’re living together, and not supporting her through her cancer, are all going to hinder any relationship you’re in.

My advice is that you take your 4 month trip, as planned, and throw your energy into your work and your children. If you’re willing, you should try and be honest with yourself about who you are and why, and how you plan to be in another relationship with someone else. Since you’ve weathered three marriages and three divorces, you’d be wise to take some time off form marriage for now, and just consider what it is you want in life, what you bring to the table, and how you can get what you want given who you are.

I hope that helps! 🙂

[Anonymous]

Thank you, I believe you are right. I wanted to try and work thru it slowly and identify our major problems and see if we could work them with or with out help and hopefully get to a spot where we could live together as a couple. But with our past and her reluctance right now the odds are definitely against us. It wasn’t the answer I wanted to hear but it is what I am going to do. I’m hurt and sad about it all but the chance of more hurt for one or both of us is too big. Thanks again

[April Masini]

You’re welcome, and I’m sorry for your hurt. 😥 Sometimes that hurt can be a useful tool if you take a look at it, and figure out how you came to be there, and what you can do for future to avoid such pain again.

You’ll find love out there — I’m sure of it, but be careful. After 3 marriages and as many divorces, you really need to choose wisely, and know yourself even better than you have, so you can make a good match this time.

Good luck!

[Author]

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