[Max]

April,

This is extremely extremely hard to type right now. I am embarrassed and hypocritical of my actions,but these emotions take over all of my relationships and I need help.

I have had this dark demon haunt me for my whole life. I am in my late 20s and I can not get over past relationships of any girlfriend I get serious with. It isn’t past boyfriends… that never bothers me. It is only guys that were “flings” for a little while and “didn’t work out” or in this specific relationship I am in now only 1 one night stand. I can’t describe the feeling, but it burns me on the inside. It is so immature, but I can not put it behind me like other people can. This is so stupid to say (but to further explain where i get these feelings with my own self examination), I feel as if these other guys have something on me. It’s like I see her as devalued, that is a disgusting thought. I hate it. The more I care about her, the more those emotions come up. After every relationship I promise myself not to worry so much about the past, but it happens every time. I mean it’s getting so bad that I will avoid certain public places because I know those guys may be there and I can’t deal to be around them (and I’m Hypocritical because girls I have been with are out and it doesn’t phase my girlfriend). I am never rude or bring it up in public.. this is all in my head. I have tried to learn more about the past through her and it helps a little, but this is all just so ridiculous. I am 110% fighting against myself. I need help.. Please.

Thank you

[April Masini]

If you don’t want to date women who’ve had one night stands or short-lived flings, then weed them out before you get involved beyond a first date. In fact, in your case, internet dating is a great way to eliminate women who may not be right for you because you can ask up front, before you even meet them or take them out, what their past history is. In fact, you can ask point blank what their history of one night stands is.

Rather than try and “fix” yourself, if you insist on dating women who’ve only had long term relationships, then do just that!

Let me know if that helps. 🙂

[Anonymous]

First off.. thank you for responding

To answer your question.. no, that did not help to be honest. It’s so hard to explain online. I have been with the girl for 2 years now. I was hoping you were going to say “this is a common thing and help me to see it another way” OR “your being stupid, this is life get over it”. The “one night stand” thing happened once, and I couldn’t name a friend (girl or guy) who hasn’t had that happen.. I understand we are human. I just have a horrible way of dealing with past guys any of the girls I get really serious with. For instance you mentioned online dating, I’m not a fan. BUT, I screen the crap out of girls before I date them. I learn how many guys she has been with and get a general consensus of how she is viewed as a person by other friends I have that know her. I don’t want to waste my time, you know? It isn’t until I realize I actually like the girl, that I am like.. “ok, soo who were the guys?” and then it’s like.. “well what happened?” And of course she is all confused and will always respond “why does this matter?”, “where is this coming from?”, “this is just weird, do we really need to talk about this?”. And I continue with just really stupid questions I will start to ask… some I have even asked before but NOW we are 6 months deep in a relationship and I mix up my emotions and blah blah blah.. I’m a mess when it comes to this. I feel like I just need to rewire my way of thinking.. I feel as if I am the only one of my friends that goes through this. That is what I was asking for. Does that help? 😕

[April Masini]

I didn’t tell you the obvious because you already know it! In fact, you’ve just recited the obvious to me in your own post. 😆 You know that most people come with romantic baggage and you know that this is weird thinking on your part to get someone with no past. You don’t need me to tell you that. If you want to be practical, then, obviously, you’ll find a way to do that. You already know that fairy tales don’t exist and EVERYONE comes with baggage in some form whether it’s family issues, past spouses, children, financial debt, chronic stress, medical issues, weird friendships, etc. Your issue just happens to be an intolerance for past short flings. I mean, you have baggage, too. You know how to rationalize, already, so if you want to do that, you really don’t need me or anyone else to tell you that — you already know it.

What you’re not doing effectively is screening. You seem to wait until you like a woman, and are sometimes six months into a relationship to find out that they’re incompatible with you. Be a better screener. In fact, if you have to, make a list of what your deal breakers are in a relationship and write them down. Find out before you have a first or a second date if a woman makes the cut.

Either you’ll find someone exactly right for you because you’ve screened really well, or else you’ll realize that no one exists who doesn’t have the past you’re looking for, at which point you get to decide if you want to compromise, given the reality of your situation, or keep looking. There is no wrong tact — you have to decide what works for you.

You get to decide; you’re in the driver’s seat; and you’re not a victim! 🙂

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