[swiftern]

Hi April.

I have been seeing my girlfriend for 2 years and we are avid festival goers. The sexual atmosphere of these festivals is very open and sharing partners is encouraged. Think burning man but the south African equivalent afrika burn. When we started dating we decided that we weren’t interested in this idea.

I am still very open and encourage some harmless flirting and also acknowledge that there will be some attraction to other people. Despite this I am not comfortable with with sharing my partner.

My girlfriend has said that although she loves me she feels the need to act on the urges that she gets when new people are interested in her. The thrill of a new interest and/or the chase.

I can’t share her. It’s not something I can see myself doing and the idea that she would even be with someone else hurts me deeply. She has said that it doesn’t even necessarily mean shell have sex with them but even the idea that she would kiss them or touch them hurts.

Her mother is very open and encourages her curiosity as she is a burning man veteran as well. Which makes it very difficult for me to talk to her about it as it is accepted by her mother and she is very reliant on her mother’s advise.

I don’t know what to do at all. I love her and have decided that she is the one I want to be with always.

[April Masini]

You’re 30 and she’s 23 and you’ve been dating for two years — but you have a deal breaker in front of you. You want monogamy and she doesn’t. I don’t think you can bridge this gap. It’s an incompatibility for a long-term, healthy relationship. If she is always going to be interested in others and she’s letting you know that she may be with them, you’re always going to be anxious and worried. This isn’t a basis for trust or intimacy. I know you love her and you’ve invested two years, but it sounds like your best bet is to move on. You have to find someone who’s compatible and has mutually agreed on values — like monogamy.

[Author]

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