[Confuzion]

My girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for 4 months and things just seem to be going backwards for the last month or so. I no longer know what to do, or have confidence in what decisions I should make.

My girlfriend is married, currently going through a divorce. When we met, she was separated. We started out as just talking, being friends. As my feelings grew, I kept them to myself until she started expressing hers. She had always said she didn’t want to get into a relationship, but her words and actions combined with my feelings drove us towards that point.

We had a really good relationship. We had great communication; she often asked me for my opinion about things that were on her mind. She told me about her feelings. We had fun and laughed and it all felt very mutual and very right. Then her (ex)husband forced himself back into the house. One thing to mention is that her marriage of 19 years contained approx. 12 years of emotional and physical abuse.

She was trying to move on with her life, and he had found out that she was happy again talking to me. When he came back, he portrayed me as a guy trying to ruin his family and forbid my girlfriend or her kids from speaking to me. After talking with my girlfriend, it was decided that I would become a “secret”. Not an idea that I agreed with at all. I tried to show her options on how she could have him removed from the house and get the divorce proceedings started. But, she was too scared to follow through.

She did not want to end our relationship, so we proceeded to keep things low key. We had not had intimate relations, so at this point there was no stereotypical “cheating” to be applied here. It was just two people supporting and loving each other.

Now, after a month and a half, he is gone again. After some discussion that I wasn’t aware had happened, they are indeed getting divorced and he has moved out of the house and won’t be coming back.

Unfortunately, I have received the effects of whatever happened to cause this change in circumstance.
My girlfriend had promised me that when she was able to get him out of the house our relationship would get back on track. That she loved me and wanted to be with me. So, with that I gave her the trust she needed and we continued our relationship in a communicative aspect. We didn’t see each other in person but talked on webcam/voicechat every day. With the exception of spending one day together recently when the distance between us had gotten to the point where she wanted to end things. After our visit she told me her doubts and fears were gone and she knew she was in love with me and that we would be together.

This was approximately 3 weeks ago. A week ago, her (soon to be ex) husband left. The way I found out was through a phone call. We got into an argument about something; I don’t even remember at this point what it was. But, at the end of that argument she made a statement in a voice that could only be considered childish and immature.

She said, “It’s all about me me me me. I don’t have to listen to you; I don’t have to listen to anyone. I’m getting a divorce and now I can do whatever I want. I don’t have to answer to anybody.”

I admit I was shocked into silence. I had no idea what to say; this was not the 35 year old woman I fell in love with at all. We talked a couple days later where things were calmer and she told me that she didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore, that he had to find herself. That she was finally getting out of a 19 year marriage and she needed to figure out who she was.

Ordinarily, I would respect something like that and want to give someone the chance to find out who they were, because how could you be with someone and know them, if they didn’t even know themselves? But, what I felt the difference here was that she and I had talked many times about the woman she used to be before the abuse started in her marriage. She talked about the things she used to do for her husband and how she loved doing those things. And she talked about that was the person she wanted to be again.

But now, she has ended our relationship, stating that she needs time to herself to make it on her own without her husband and without a man. Just her and her two kids (15 and 12). She stated that she loves me like no other, but she knows that if I’m around, I’ll help and then she still won’t have done it on her own. That her goal is to make it without her husband, cut ties from him completely (which is a realistic goal because he does not care about the kids and supporting them), then maybe down the line have a relationship.

I keep talking about “her husband”, but please keep in mind that she was already separated when we met, and about a month later when he found out that some other guy (me) was in her life, he came forcing his way back in.

She gave me the “friends or nothing” option. Telling me it was the best she could do. I explained to her that I didn’t understand how she could instantly go from the feelings she expressed for me, to giving me an option like that and not feel anything herself. I explained to her that I wanted her in my life, but I have never believed that two people can go from have a relationship with true feelings, to being just friends.

She told me that she was thinking of “friends with benefits”. The truth is, I think it would only make things worse to do that. She states that it would have to be “no strings attached” but she was willing to try. In that same discussion, she said that down the line if she wanted a relationship, it would be with me. So, in my mind, I’m thinking that her offers pretty much keep me around in the event that she decides to resume our relationship. It also allows a sexual relationship. Other than that, I’m just a friend.

I’ve never had a friends w/benefits relationship and all I really can see is that it cannot possibly be a sustainable option. At some point, there will be problems. Those will most likely be caused by me, wanting something more again.

I feel that she is out to prove something. Whether it is to herself or whether it is something resulting from this final conversation that she had with her husband. Last night we argued because she was giving me a “take it or leave it” attitude. At least that is how I was perceiving things. When I expressed my concerns about the problems that friends with benefits could bring, she would state that it was my choice. At times I’ve told her that I couldn’t be “just a friend” after the relationship we’ve had, she would just say, “Well I’m sorry that you feel that way. I wish you the best.”

She ended our conversation with this:
“I’m trying to force the friend thing because I don’t want to give you false hope. You are my choice for a relationship, but I am trying to find myself right now. I don’t feel lost. I feel like I have a chance at life again. If I do it on my own, then I can be proud. But if I have you, you will be here to help and I still never did it on my own. You know my real feelings. I love you dearly, but I don’t want to be in love right now. I don’t want to shape my future on being with a man right now. I want to need myself first.”

So, with all that said, here is my question: Should I attempt to be friends with my girlfriend or should I let her go and cut off communications. I am on the fence line with this, not knowing what to do because part of me feels like ending things completely is the right thing to do. I feel that if she can so easily dismiss the relationship, then by staying around I’m allowing her to have her cake and eat it too.

On the other hand, I feel that I should show her that I love her by being her friend and being in a position to help her “find herself”. (Although I truly don’t understand what she means by that. She has been separated more than once from this guy and dated every time.)

I feel like if don’t leave, then I’ll always be waiting for her to tell me that she’s ready to be back in a relationship. Yet, if I leave, then we lose everything. All her friends tell me that she has never felt like “this” about anyone before and tell me to not let her go, but at the same time I cannot allow myself to be “that guy” that pretends to be a friend while waiting for the opportunity to get more.

Thank you, and I appreciate any advice you can give.

[April Masini]

My advice is to let her go and move on. I know you want her, but she doesn’t want you in the same way, and that makes the two of you incompatible. You’re already feeling the misery and frustration that comes with incompatibility, although you aren’t necessarily labeling it as such. Start now.

A separation is not the same thing as a divorce — especially for this woman who you say has separated and gotten back with her husband multiple times. Given her history, it would be prudent to wait for her to be divorced to even consider befriending her again. It’s also understandable that her husband feels you will ruin his family. Look at it from his point of view if you can. I know you see all the good you bring to her life, but empathize with him. That said, if the two of them divorce, it’s game over, and he has no say in your relationship with his ex-wife unless it affects his children. But they’re not divorced.

Also, this woman really wants to BE divorced and live as a single woman, and after 19 years of marriage, it’s actually a responsible choice on her part not to jump into another serious relationship before she’s even divorced! I know you see your wonderful role in her life, but you have to understand things from her point of view. In spite of all her flaws and her soon to be ex-husband’s flaws, she’s an adult with children, and her desire to make it on her own before she commits to another man is mature, if bumpy.

I’m sorry you see this relationship as going backwards, but if you step back a few (hundred) feet, you’ll see that it’s only been four months, and most relationships can make a U turn in this amount of time as both people get to know each other better. I’m glad to hear it’s only been four months and not a year or even six or nine months.

You need to let go and move on and next time find a woman who is legally, physically and emotionally single, and not just separated. You’ll have more compatibility and a better time of things that way.

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