have feelings for two girls but now i don’t know what to do

[ccad]

So I have been in a relationship on and off with a girl for a couple months now. It has not been anything serious but I really liked her. We are taking a “break” from each other over this break. So I went on spring break and I was spending time with another girl. One thing led to another and now I think I like this new girl. This new girl lives in Florida so I wont see her until this summer or even next christmas break but I go to school with the first girl. I want to like the first girl but I don’t feel what I used to anymore. This new girl is awesome too but I don’t think it would work out at all but I still like her. Should this be one of those times that I need to wait it out or is there some other way to deal with this. What should I do?

The other issue that came from this was that the new girl left this morning and I really miss her, last night was the first night that we kissed and it was amazing. Is there any way to cope with missing her or do I need to wait that out as well?

[KeeperofOblivion]

I personally don’t think you should be in a relationship with the new girl. Mostly because it seems that long distance wouldn’t work that well for you. I mean, it’s cool that you still have feelings for her, but the fact that it’s long distance…maybe it won’t work for that long.

As for the first girl, I think that you should take a break, as in break up. If you don’t feel anything more of her, then don’t bother. You wouldn’t be fully committed into her, so why bother going out with her again?

I personally think you should either wait it out or maybe find someone completely new. But of course, this is my personal opinion. Good luck with whatever you choose. 🙂

[April Masini]

[i]Keeperofoblivion [/i] gave you some really good advice. The new girl may be great, but if you’re not going to see her until the summer or winter vacation, she’s not a great choice as a girlfriend because of the distance. But the reason you were able to have such a nice time with her was because you don’t have strong feelings for the girl at home with whom you’re taking a break. Honor the fact that your feelings for your now ex-girlfriend aren’t that strong, and allow yourself to let that relationship go altogether while you look for new people that might be great girlfriends (and who are local!). 🙂

[Anonymous]

Thank you. Its just really hard, I know it wouldn’t work and I know if it did work, then it would end shortly after. This first girl though, was amazing too. I don’t think I will find someone like her, I don’t know why I don’t feel the same way now. Maybe when I go home and see her, things will change. I want to try to stop having the feelings I have for this new girl but I don’t know how. Should I stop talking to her for a little while? I just can’t get her out of my head now, I feel sick because I miss her so much. What can I do to stop this feeling?

[Anonymous]

Thank you. Its just really hard, I know it wouldn’t work and I know if it did work, then it would end shortly after. This first girl though, was amazing too. I don’t think I will find someone like her, I don’t know why I don’t feel the same way now. Maybe when I go home and see her, things will change. I want to try to stop having the feelings I have for this new girl but I don’t know how. Should I stop talking to her for a little while? I just can’t get her out of my head now, I feel sick because I miss her so much. What can I do to stop this feeling?

[ccad]

Thank you. Its just really hard, I know it wouldn’t work and I know if it did work, then it would end shortly after. This first girl though, was amazing too. I don’t think I will find someone like her, I don’t know why I don’t feel the same way now. Maybe when I go home and see her, things will change. I want to try to stop having the feelings I have for this new girl but I don’t know how. Should I stop talking to her for a little while? I just can’t get her out of my head now, I feel sick because I miss her so much. What can I do to stop this feeling?

[April Masini]

You ask a really good question in, “How can I stop this feeling?” So many of us today want to feel good all the time, and we don’t understand that life is supposed to hurt sometimes. You’re hurting because you like this second girl, but you already know and have articulated that it won’t work. Your hurt is the discrepancy between what you want and what you can’t have. Little kids have this problem times a neutron bomb. They cry and throw tantrums when they can’t have what they want, and teaching them “No” becomes a monumental task — seriously. We all have a little of that still inside us, and you’re feeling your two year old self who wants what he wants even though your more mature self knows it’s not right for you.

My advice is to honor your mature self and try UNDERSTANDING that you’re going to be states and miles away from this new girl making a relationship impossible. If getting yourself to understand your reality doesn’t work, then try tricking yourself with distractions. In other words, keep busy and expand your life so you have other things to do to keep your mind off of what you can’t have because it’s not good for you.

If you go back home and decide you want to date the other girl who lives at home, and she’s still available, then give it a go. But I think you’re fantasizing that relationship now that you’re away from it, since you originally described it to me as your dating a woman off and on for several months and it wasn’t serious. NOW you describe her as “amazing”.

Frankly, I think all this emotional chaos you’re feeling has nothing to do with either of these women or any other women you may meet. It has to do with your own sense of knowing what you want and being calm and focused on that goal. When you can settle yourself, you’ll have a shot at a more peaceful and intimate relationship with a woman — whoever she may be. 🙂

[ccad]

Thank you. But the feeling that I am having isn’t really that I can’t have her, its the fact that I miss her so much, I don’t know if there is a difference between what you say and what I say. The first girl that I was in a relationship was complicated yes, but she is/was still amazing. Its not that our relationship was really on and off it was that, I am at an all guys school and there are a few girls who are faculty children who attend it as well. When there is a relationship there, the others guys at my school will not stop talking about it and you can’t walk by someone with out getting a comment about it. It makes it so much harder. I talked to her last night and it seems like she still really likes me and I want to feel the same, I started to realize that the feeling I had was coming back slowly when I was talking to her, I guess it made me realize what I was missing. ” You never realize what you have until its gone”. I will try to not think abut this new girl as much as possible, but its hard not to remember the times that we spent together. Once I am back at school and working I think it will be easier for me, along with the fact that the first girl will be there everyday. Love is truly very difficult but it is an amazing thing when it works out.

[April Masini]

You never mentioned how old you are, but I’m guessing from the fact that you now write you’re at an all boys school, that you’re in high school. Teenage emotions and hormones run high and you’re probably feeling so confused and all over the place because of this age.

Go back to school and see what happens with this girl who’s already at your school. If you like her, then ask her out on a date. If you find that you don’t, then move on. I know it’s a lot of emotional storm to weather, but it’s part of life at your age.

[ccad]

Thank you April. Ya, I get that its probably age. I’m glad I could get some help on this. I will comment on how it goes, when I am back at school.

[April Masini]

Good luck! 🙂

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