Having a very difficult time moving on

[WilAksor]

Hi,
Just about 1 year ago, I broke up with a woman I’d been in a relationship for over 5 years. It wasn’t that we stopped loving each other, or stopped enjoying each other’s company, it was simply that we reached a point where we felt the relationship couldn’t move forward (basically, I grew increasingly frustrated with how she handled her finances/employment situation/etc, and she grew increasingly frustrated with my unwillingness to commit to marriage, which, of course, stemmed from my own frustration with her.)
I honestly didn’t know how badly the break-up would affect me, but it’s now almost a year since, and I’m still thoroughly depressed about it. She was the best friend I ever had, and we connected so well on so many levels, but I just couldn’t get past the way she handled certain things, and it was fine as long as we still had separate lives, but I feared the problems that would arise if we lived together. Now that we’ve broken up, though, I keep second-guessing it, and I keep thinking maybe we could have worked something out. I feel horrible about it on so many levels. I’m not saying I think I was entirely in the wrong– I’d offered to help her many, many times, and she always refused, telling me she’d deal with things on her own, and then never did. But still, I keep thinking to myself now that a friend like her comes around once in a lifetime, and I threw it away because I was frightened, and maybe that was a mistake.

Anyway, as I said, we broke up a year ago. Actually, a few months after the break-up, she called me up out of the blue, and we ended up having a really nice chat on the phone. And, for about two months after that, we stayed in touch fairly regularly by email and phone. But whenever I’d tentatively hint at the possibility of giving things another shot, she’d kind of change the direction of the conversation. But then, making things somewhat confusing, she’d occasionally get very flirtatious with me. At one point, she suggested getting together for dinner, and I agreed, and we had a great time. It kind of felt like the good old days, minus any physical affection. Sadly, soon after that, she emailed me to tell me that she realized she needed some space to sort things out in her head, and I haven’t heard from her since. That was about six months ago.

I realize I should probably move forward, but I don’t know how. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I’ve started to email her, only to delete the email rather sending it. I still get overly nostalgic when I walk around certain parts of my neighborhood, remembering the walks we took together, the conversations we had, etc. And even my own apartment often makes me feel depressed because I keep remembering all the fun times we had together in it, and the little routines we’d gotten into, etc. I miss my best friend so badly, it physically hurts.

Making matters worse is the fact that I really don’t have anyone else to talk to. I’ve never had a big social circle by any means, and when I was with her, I was perfectly happy to spend my free time in her company, so I never really looked to expand my social circle then. So now, after the break-up, I have nobody. This may sound overly melodramatic, but I had the pathetic realization the other day that if I were to get run over by a bus, it wouldn’t really affect anyone (don’t worry, I’m NOT contemplating jumping in front of a bus or anything like that. I’m just saying that that’s how isolated I’ve felt for the past year.)

I have tried to improve my situation. I joined a gym. I took a class. I went on a vacation by myself. I joined a couple of walking-tour groups. I’ve even started teaching myself a foreign language, which isn’t sociable, but at least I’m keeping my mind active. But still, I feel alone. I didn’t make any real friends at any of these things, and at the end of the day, I just come home and sometimes actually feel even more alone, and then, in my head, I start having imaginary conversations with my ex about the things I did, which I realize is not at all conducive to moving forward, but it’s the closest thing I have to being able to talk to somebody.

I also tried a bit of online dating. I posted an ad, and I was pleasantly surprised to be contacted by a fair number of women, some of whom I actually met up with. All of them were nice, but none of it led to anything. I typically get the “You’re a really nice guy, and it makes me sad to say this, but I just didn’t feel a romantic connection” email after the date, which just knocks my self-esteem down a few more notches, and makes me feel even more isolated.

I realize this all makes me sound extremely pathetic, but I guess that’s fitting since I AM a low point. I’m sick of feeling depressed every night. I’m tired of missing the past, of feeling regretful, of feeling alone, etc. Until this past year, believe it or not, I tended to be a cheerful, upbeat guy. And on the surface, I’m still able to seem that way to people (I joke around in the office, I smile at people, etc. Despite what you may think from reading this letter, I don’t shuffle around with a hang-dog expression on my face all the time.) But when I get home, back in my empty apartment at the end of the day, the sadness kicks in again.

Do you have any suggestions about what I can do to improve my situation? I’m guessing you don’t think it would be a good idea for me to contact my ex (even though there’s a part of me that secretly hopes you’ll say, “Actually, I think that would be a great idea!!” haha.) I know I need to break out of this prolonged funk that I’ve been in, and any help would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance. (and sorry for the long letter!)

[Missladyt_17]

I feel for you and I have felt the same way for I had broken up with a guy and it took me over 6 months to get over him. I cried, I hurt, and you name it. All that I can tell you is to get out and do something that you enjoy. Instead of trying to find your true love, why not find a friend. Do not put so much emphasis on finding a love connection right away. Just go on the date and just try to enjoy her company. Try using the online sites again and see what happens.There are plenty of nice women out there for you.

Maybe you can get a dog, they are good companions. In the meantime, go to the gym and workout that helps a lot. Start working out everyday, instead of going straight home stop at the gym and workout. Just try and find other interest that you enjoy. I would not recommend that you contact your ex, that will only bring you pain, for it seems that she has moved on.

Be a strong confident man and enjoy the person that you are. Do not hold your head down any longer and do not change your values for anyone, you are who you are. Embrace that and move forward, you will find someone that will love and cherish you for you. In the meantime, I wish you good luck and All the joy and happiness this life will bring to you.

[April Masini]

You know what to do, and you know that your problem isn’t your ex– it’s you not having any friends or much of a social life. 😳 So now you have to approach the problem head on. 🙂 There is no short cut to putting in the work required to date or to make a social life for yourself. Don’t give up, but if something isn’t working, do figure out why and how you can make it better.

You spent a long time (5 years) with someone who wasn’t Ms. Right, so it’s pretty clear that you have a hard time moving on and changing your situation. This time, instead of getting out of a relationship, you have to get into one! Whether it’s with friends, family or dates.

Roll up your sleeves and keep working at it. There is no magic wand, and the good news is that you have enough assets to have what you want — [i]but[/i] you have to do the work. 😉

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