[Cheatedon]

I don’t know what to do anymore. I knew that my marriage was in trouble. My husband and I got married when we were only 19 years old and we’ve been together since we were 16. Everyone told us that we were too young. They were right, but we refused to listen. We had some huge problems with communication. Really huge. I didn’t understand that things were as bad as they were.

About a year ago, he met this woman online. They started a romantic relationship. I only just found out about it four months ago when I looked at his e-mail. I did some digging and discovered that he had put more effort into this online affair than he ever did with his marriage. His MARRIAGE! He says she had no idea that he was even married, she was a wonderful person and so on and so forth. I decided to forgive him and work on our marriage. She was furious and refused to speak to him and I thought we were moving on. Then a friend of my husband told me that my husband had been talking to him about this woman, saying that he truly loves her?

He has been working on fixing things by spending more time with me and things like that, but a couple of weeks after I found out he actually asked me for permission to contact her again and try to be her friend. He swore that all he wanted, was platonic friendship. I said no, of course. I’ve been saying no more than once, and every time he lays low for 2-3 weeks and then tries to contact her. He’s been saying to me that it wasn’t even an affair, since it was never sexual. Sure, he only told her he loved her, wrote her love letters and music and dreamed out loud about a life with her. I made him give me all his passwords and I check the logs on our computer, so that he wouldn’t be able to get in touch with her without me knowing.

Earlier today he slipped up. I checked the log and I discovered that he has an e-mail addy that I didn’t know about. I guess he’s been running it in privacy mode so that it didn’t go into the logs. I managed to guess the password. He set up this thing for the single purpose of chatting and e-mailing with this woman. There were over 100 e-mails and chats in there. He’s been telling ME that it wasn’t even an affair and refuses to even talk about it much, just wants me to get over it, but there he is BEGGING her to forgive him for the lies he told HER. I couldn’t find any evidence there that there’s anything sexual/romantic going on. She tells him that she’s not going to cross any lines with him. But if he only wants to be her FRIEND, then why is he sneaking around? And if he only saw her as a FRIEND, surely he wouldn’t be risking his MARRIAGE to talk to a FRIEND?!?

I want my marriage to work. Do you think he will ever give this woman up? I still feel like he’s having an affair, even if they’re not doing anything. Do you think my husband is in love with her????? Doyou think I can trust him to not try anything with her????? I’m so scared of losing my marriage and I don’t know what to do. He’s out working the late shift and I have no idea what to do when he comes home in the morning.

[Cheatedon]

you know what? I even told him that I would kill myself if he didn’t stop with her and it did no good at all…

[April Masini]

Clearly, your husband will not give up his girlfriend. He’s lied to you about the relationship, in spite of your doing your best to work on the problems within the marriage. So, no, you can’t trust him any more. He’s going to continue to lie to you about his girlfriend. So, that’s kind of all we have to say about [i]him[/i].

Okay, so enough about him. [i]Let’s talk about you.[/i]

Your marriage is over whether or not you accept it. You can stay in a dead marriage and become an angry mother to his misbehaving bad boy. Or, you can face the scary and wonderful horizon of the future. [b]Your[/b] future. I completely understand how upsetting a divorce seems to you, but if you conquer your fear, there is not just light at the end of the divorce tunnel. For someone like you, who has been wronged in a marriage, and apparently hasn’t done anything in the marriage that would indicate you’re going to have problems in a new relationship, and who doesn’t have children, you may be looking at a future of happiness and success — if you divorce.

Decide what it is that is so scary about divorce — make a list of how your life would change (because it will) — and then make another list of what goals you would want to accomplish if you did divorce. So balance your fear of change (divorce) with your hope for the future (re-marriage) in 2 lists.

I don’t usually advise divorce, but your husband has left the marriage, and you can only work on a marriage if both people commit to the work. He’s leaving you no choice, but to stay in a dead marriage or accept it’s failure, and face the future with hope for what comes next.

I choose the future. How about you? 😛

[Author]

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