[relationshipa1]

I was with this guy for 9 months, he was perfect for me, treated me better than anyone else had and everything was perfect between us, but then all of a sudden he started being distant with me. After about a week of weirdness he came over to talk and told me he doesnt want to be with me anymore becuase he was confused and didnt know what he wanted. So i said we could be friends while he thinks things through. About a week later, i found a picture of him and his ex girlfriend together on a night out, which was when we were together. I confronted him about it and he told me it was just a hug as they hadnt seen eachother in so long, so i let it go. But then i found texts on his phone and is ex started emailing me asking me if i was still with him. I didnt tell him about this and he asked me to get back with him, and i did. I still had emails off his ex girlfriend and she asked me once again if we were together, so i finally replied and said we were. And she told me what had been going on. I went through his phone again just to put my mind at rest and there was one text that caught my eye, it was him asking her to marry him next year. I cried my heart out but calmly confronted him about it and he said it was an ‘inside joke’. Although i didnt believe it, i took him back again. A few weeks after that i found out hed been to a pub with his other ex for a few drinks, but as they both said nothing happened, i believed them and let it go. But i found it hard to trust him, so i made a fake profile, with a fake picture and name, and added him. He then started chatting up my fake girl and telling her we werent together, but telling me we are. When i confronted him about this again, he told me he knew it was me the whole time and was saying this stuff to get me to confess it was me. Then i lied to him and told him the girl does exist, i just ‘borrowed’ her account, so we are still together, but he is still chatting her up. I love him to bits and he says he loves me. Ive told him im leaving him a few times and ive told him to stop contacting me, but he always phones up and promises he wants me and only me. but i know deep down thats not true. Any advice? Please

[April Masini]

Your problem has nothing to do with this guy, and everything to do with you. The questions you need to ask yourself are: Why do you want to be with someone who lies to you? Why do you want to be with someone who cheats on you? Why do you want to be someone who sets up traps to catch her boyfriend cheating — over and over again? 🙁

Is this really who you want to be?

My guess is that you don’t want to be the woman you are right now. You want to change, and I’d like to see you do that. If you can become the woman you want to be, these problems you’re having in your relationship will fade away to nothing.

In order to break your patterns of self-destructive behavior, because that’s what they are, you need to stop doing what you’re doing. Some people find this easy, and others don’t. If you’re the latter, then the best way to get yourself to stop is to give yourself some very clear boundaries. Don’t date right now. At all. Don’t take phone calls from guys and don’t return texts. If you stop, cold turkey, then your behavior problems will be less confusing. Right now you’re creating drama by reacting and responding to this guy, but if you remove him from your life, you can focus on you and your own life, solely.

Once you’re man-free, you can start checking yourself regularly — not daily, but hourly, or even more often. Watch your own behavior with other people and with yourself, and make sure that you’re doing what it is you really want to be doing. Don’t befriend or respond to anyone who disrespects you or themselves. You need to start building a healthy community.

Once you have supportive friends and family in your regular life, and you’re catching yourself whenever you are behaving unhealthfully, then you can start letting guys in again.

However, you need to really listen to them. When a guy says, after 9 months, he’s not interested in you any more, believe him! And respect yourself and him, and let the relationship go. Don’t try to be friends. The only men in your life (besides family and your girlfriends’ boyfriends and husbands, and your truly gay friends), should be those who are respectful of you — and you of them.

The real cheating that’s been happening here is you cheating on yourself. You deserve better. Now go get it. 🙂

[Author]

Posts