He Doesn’t Know What He Wants

[Lisa73]

I’m sure we’ve all heard someone say it at one time or another. Today I heard it.

Here’s the history. I’ve been dating this guy for quite some time. We met in May, broke up for a few weeks in August, got back together and I thought everything was going well. He’s 43, I’m a few years younger. He has 2 children, neither of them live with him, but he has the youngest every other weekend. She’s 13. Also, his divorce was finalized in July. Never considered it an issue since he initiated the divorce, moved out and basically didn’t want to have anything to do with the ex.

Well, a couple of weeks ago I got a cold and was a little annoyed with him that he didn’t come over and take care of me or at least offer. I basically came down with the cold Wednesday afternoon, stayed home Thursday and then stupidly went back to work on Friday. He travels for work, but came back into town Thursday afternoon. I was kind of hoping he’d offer to come over or ask me if I needed anything or anything like that, but he didn’t. In his defense he did send me several text messages asking how I was feeling. Anyway, by late Friday night I was pretty annoyed that he hadn’t offered to do anything. To me, taking care of someone when they are sick is a biggie in a relationship. For God’s sake, it’s one of the vows in marriage – in sickness or in health. So maybe the fact that I was sick and a little cranky made it all that much worse, but I was seriously starting to question the relationship since he hadn’t put forth the effort to take care of me when I was sick. Seriously guys, are you clueless about this sort of stuff? Well, I basically called him uncaring, rude and unconcerned via text Friday night. I tried calling him, but he didn’t answer. Obviously he was upset by what I said. I had to run out of town on Saturday, but was back later in the afternoon. It’s unusual for me not to get at least a text at some point in the morning. Every day one of us would text the other “good morning.” So when I hadn’t heard from him by 3, I texted. No reply. I tried calling, got voicemail. So now I’m pissed thinking he’s avoiding me so on my way home I decide to go over to his house even though I’m not feeling that great.

Now he should have been able to tell by this point that I was upset. When I got there at about 3, he was still in his pajamas and said the ringer was off on his phone. He usually turns it off when he goes to bed. Although by 3pm you’d think he would have it on since he does get up early. Anyway, I was kind of mad and told him I had been trying to contact him. That’s when I picked up a throw pillow off the couch and hit him with it. He went ballistic. Now, in my defense, I’m a girl, a weak one, and it was a pillow. Not to mention I wasn’t feeling well and was feeling neglected by my boyfriend of 7 months. Anyway, he started yelling at me and told me to get out. Sure I was mad at him for how I was treated and I did hit him with a pillow, but I didn’t think it was something that should have caused such a reaction. Well, I said no and stayed and trying to get him to talk to me. He completely stops talking to you when he gets mad like this. It’s only happened once or twice in our relationship, but I admit I find it very immature. I apologized for hitting him with the pillow and tried to get him to talk to me, but he wouldn’t. I had really just wanted to sleep and have him take care of me while I was sick and didn’t understand why he hadn’t. He’s normally a very sensitive guy that is always doing sweet things so I was kind of surprised by his attitude when I was sick. Anyway, he had apparently made plans to go out that night. Not sure when this was, before or after I got there. I was sick anyway so it’s not as if I minded him going out without me, but just found it odd that he didn’t communicate it. Well, when it came time that he wanted to leave he wanted me to leave too. I really just wanted to stay and sleep and be there when he got home. Since he wasn’t really talking to me other than to say leave I was being kind of stubborn myself in not leaving until he talked to me. Well, this is when it escalated. He got so upset he called the police saying his ex-girlfriend was refusing to leave. That’s right, he was not calling me the ex-girlfriend. I admit that I should have left and given him some space and probably didn’t do the right thing there, but remember the whole argument started over a pillow fight. Anyway, I eventually left before the police arrived. I still can’t believe he did that. When I left I mistakenly took a handset to the house phone. It had been in my hand and I didn’t realize I had it until I got home. Long story. Anyway, I sent him an apology email the next day and said I had it and he should come get it.

Well, I must have said something about if he didn’t come get it that I would bring it over on Friday. This was the weekend he had his daughter, who I haven’t met, and obviously he didn’t want to explain what was going on to her so he came over on Thursday night to get it. He was still mad. I basically told him that we needed to talk before I’d give the phone back, he refused and left without it. I have to mention that no one uses this phone I had anyway, it goes to a house phone and he rents the house so it belonged to the woman he rented from. It’s not as if it needed to be returned in a hurry and I figured I’d give it back when he calmed down and we could talk. There just didn’t seem to be a rush since I knew he wasn’t using it and no one else does either.

Through all this I still wanted to try to work things out. Yes, I know that sounds bad after he told me to get out of his house and called the police, but I probably should have left anyway and probably shouldn’t have hit him with the pillow. So I took the time to write him a letter over the weekend and put it inside a card. I then dropped it off while I knew he’d be gone taking his daughter back to the ex’s house.

The next week I started texting him “good morning” again everyday. Never got a reply. So by the next Friday I decided to go try talking to him again and see if he had calmed down. Well, he seemed better, but said he had his daughter for the weekend so obviously couldn’t talk when I stopped by. He came outside and talked to me on the porch for a few minutes. Once I realized his daughter was there I apologized and asked if we could talk another time and he said sure. He claimed he had plans Sunday night so I suggested Monday and he said “Ok, if he was in town.” Remember he often travels for work.

Well, I left that night although I’m still wondering if I was being played and he didn’t have his daughter and didn’t have plans on Sunday night and was just making excuses not to talk to me. In the past when he was mad, like during our break in August, he did the same thing, made excuses and avoided me. The only reason we got back together in August was because I went over to his house when I knew he’d be there and confronted him and we ended up getting back together. When I left I said I’d text him on Monday to see if he was in town.

Well, Monday came and I tried texting him, no response. I continued to text him good morning for the rest of the week and stopped by his house several times, but could tell he hadn’t been home. I sent him a few emails. I also sent him a couple of those egreeting cards. I know he opened those Thursday, but I sent him another email asking why he was avoiding me that I don’t think he read. I even tried calling once, but he didn’t pick up. I know, I should take the hint, but sometimes when you know it’s the right person it’s hard. Plus from our break in August I knew that I had to take the initiative. I knew I had to apologize even if I didn’t think I was in the wrong. At least not completely. I really like this guy and other than two fights we get along wonderfully and have a lot in common so I really didn’t think a stupid pillow fight should end the relationship.

So this morning as I’m getting ready for work I get a knock at the door and it’s him. He came to get the phone. Now I didn’t think it was that urgent that he needed to pick it up before work, but he was in the area anyway on his way out of town. So again I tried to get him to tell me what was going on. I had mentioned in the letter I wrote him that I’d just as soon forget what happened that night and write it off since we were both in the wrong and I figured we were both being stubborn and just not talk about it again. I did get out of him that he’s okay with that. He claimed he wasn’t afraid to talk to me, which is kind of what I thought. I really thought maybe he was just hurt by some of the things I said or did. He’s very sensitive. I told him that I was sorry and that I didn’t like things being like they were. I must have asked him what he wanted or something and that’s when he said he didn’t know what he wanted. I asked him if there was someone else, or if he wanted to date someone else, knowing that there wasn’t anyone else in the picture. I asked if he wanted to never see me again and he said something like “I didn’t say that” which just led me back to him not knowing what he wanted again. I really tried to get him to tell me what was going on, did he not want to date anyone now, was he not interested in me anymore, was there something else going on, was he feeling smothered or crowded and needed some space. Something so I just understood where we were out and all he would say is that he didn’t know what he wanted.

So I’m left frustrated trying to understand. Up until this pillow fight I thought everything was going well. We had fun together, we talked just about every night on the phone, would text each other throughout the day just to keep in contact. Depending on whether or not he was in town we’d see each other several times a week and usually spent the night together and on the weekends he didn’t have his daughter we’d spend most of the weekend together. For awhile when we got back together in September I wasn’t sure things were going okay, but I had really felt like they were good in the psst couple of months. He got me a nice piece of jewelry for Christmas and we seemed to be growing closer together.

I know that most people are going to say here that when he says “he doesn’t know what he wants” that he probably just doesn’t want me. Could be, but I know he’s not looking for someone else either at the moment. While we were on our break in August he had some dating profiles up which are still up, but he hasn’t logged into them for quite some time. So I’m left wondering if he really doesn’t know what he wants. If it just wasn’t me that he wanted, wouldn’t he be back on the dating websites? That’s how we met by the way. On the other hand, maybe he was just trying to get the phone back and cut all ties so that he could move on. I don’t know. I guess I’ll stop texting him good morning and see if he gets back on the dating sites. When he was here this morning I asked him again if we could talk sometime and he said yes, but wouldn’t commit to a time. He’s done this before so I don’t know if he was just saying that in order to get the phone back or if he meant it. He claims he’ll be out of town next weekend and says he has his daughter this weekend and then again the weekend after he is out of town so including today and the next 2 weekends it doesn’t sound like I would be talking to him anytime soon. I just don’t know if he’s making excuses because he really doesn’t want to talk to me and has no intention of doing so or if he truly is busy. I want to believe that the excuses he’s giving me are legit, but not sure I do. I seriously wonder if his daughter was really at his house last weekend when he said she was. She was inside and I never saw her so there’s no way to know for sure. I can’t help, but feel that he’s trying to blow me off by continuing to make excuses not to see or talk to me. I know guys don’t like having these conversations, but I just don’t know where I stand. I flat out asked him if he wanted to see me again, as in dating, and he said he didn’t know. I told him that if you don’t want to see me again, just say so, but he wouldn’t. All he’d say was he didn’t know. I felt like I kept giving him the opportunity to tell me he just wasn’t into me or I just wasn’t the right girl for him, but he wouldn’t say it. I was prepared to hear it and in a sense that would have at least given me closure, but he wouldn’t say it.

So opinions? I’d really appreciate the opinion of someone with a male mind. I just don’t know what to think here. I guess I’ll just try to give him some space, but for how long? I’ll stop sending the good morning texts and forwarding him jokes or any other emails. I guess the fact that Valentine’s Day is coming up doesn’t help any. Do I send him a card, do nothing, wait and see if he contacts me, which I don’t think he will if I leave it up to him. Do I move on? I’m hurt and in many ways I feel like his actions are hurting me more, but at the same time I really really love him and he’s the first person in my life I could imagine a future with. Now I just don’t know if I’m a sucker for thinking he still has feelings.

Sorry it’s such a long post, guess I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading. Feel free to ask any questions about anything I may have left out.

[kai]

I notice that you have placed your question in the forum for Guest Writers and Advice Column Contributors.

This is not in the forum where April answers readers questions.

If you want to get a response from April please repost your question in the proper forum which is the Q & A Advice Forum.

[StephieS]

thank you, some very straightforward answers is what I had been looking for. What I meant by support, is just a supportive school environemnt … like one would want in the states. Im not sure how to explain it any further.

when you say another year in public schools, why do I need that? Im certified now, do I need two years teaching experience?

[kitkat620]

i know it’s been awhile since you posted, but i thought i’d give it a try and respond.
in my opinion this guy is giving you the runaround because he is not interested in continuing the relationship with you. Some guys think it’s easier for all involved to say things like ‘i don’t know what i want’ or ‘we’ll talk later in the week’ and not answer or respond to texts or phone calls, than it is to tell the truth. i think it’s cowardly, but i know i have done that too to guys i hadn’t had the heart to say i wasn’t interested in.
and to me, how convenient is it that on the weekends he won’t be out of town he has his daughter….come on! couldn’t he agree to talk at some other time during the week if he was really interested in working things out with you?
my advice to you would be to cut off all contact with him. no more apologizing, no more good morning texts, no more unannounced visits and no more phone calls.
there are a lot of men out there that will treat you so much better. don’t sell yourself short. you deserve better.
good luck to you.

[April Masini]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you. 😉

[Author]

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