[cg1984]

Hi,

The guy I love keeps in touch with two of his ex gf’s. He is not currently my boyfriend because he is out of state completing his schooling. His move was recent. We had a bad break-up; it’s a long story. We recently reconciled and on his visit during the last Christmas break, we hung out. Things seemed great. He told he wanted to work on us because he still had feelings for me but he won’t make it official. I wouldn’t want to get back with him either especially since his away and I don’t trust him. We both feel the same about wanting to wait until he’s back in town to restart our relationship. This, of course, scares me. He won’t be graduating until Spring of next year, 2011. Anything can happen in a year. Since he left back to school, he’s been great about keeping in touch with me. He calls me often. Things are going good, although, I can’t help but realize he is still friends with his exes. It’s two of them; one lives in the East coast and the other in the West. When we were together, he told me about them. I told him I didn’t like him being friends with them. He, ’til this day, is still friends with them. I have yet to see him cut them out of his life. Why is he still friends with them? Does he have hopes of getting back together with one of them? Does he want to have lots of options in case we don’t work out? What? I seemed to be more scared of the exes than of him meeting someone new. To top it off, both of these girls are single. I don’t even know if they have feelings for him. As you can tell, I’m insecure. I know time will tell but I’m very impatient. Every time I think about it, I get upset. I don’t tell him this. I play the “I’m cool with it” card, although, in the past I haven’t. I don’t want him to think I haven’t changed. He hates it when I’m insecure, but then again it’s his fault I’m like that.

Rule 1 for boyfriends: don’t share ex girlfriends with your current girlfriend just so she can show jealousy because you crave it or you want her to show you she cares. This will only drive us insane making us wonder and not trust you!

[April Masini]

First of all, since you’re not dating him now, stop caring about who he’s with. Instead, start caring about who YOU’RE with! 😆 If he’s not ready to be with you now, for whatever reason, you should be out there looking for Mr. Right. Why waste time, waiting on a guy who’s not giving you a commitment, and who’s still in touch with his ex-girlfriends, which bothers you? Why not accept who he is instead of trying to change him, and handle your own anxiety by taking care of yourself in the here and now?

You need to get out there, be friendly, flirt with any guy you think is cute, and date! If you’re available when he’s in town, and he wants you, at that time, you can decide if you still want to date him or not. But don’t put your life on hold for a guy who’s not offering you anything great to wait for.

Forget the ex-girlfriends, and think about yourself instead.

[cg1984]

Thanks April!

I’m not actually putting my life on hold. I have been dating and it gets overrated. I don’t dwell on this but the ex-girlfriend thing upsets me. I’ve been concentrating on myself lately. This matter is in the back on my head and it bothers me from time to time. You think I should accept him for who his is… but why would a person keep in touch with their exes? I just don’t understand that!!!

[April Masini]

Sorry — you misunderstood me. When I said that you should accept him for who he is, I meant that he is a man who stays in touch with his ex-girlfriends, and if this bothers you, then understand that he is not the man for you. He is not going to change, so unless you accept who he is [i]and reject[/i] him because of that you’re going to constantly have that discomfort in the back of your head, and why should you??

How men treat their ex-wives, ex-girlfriends and family members can definitely be a deal breaker in a relationship. Don’t underestimate his behavior and your lack of compatibility in this area.

[cg1984]

Hi April,

I wanted to give you an update on what’s going on with my love life since your last advice. We’re official again! On the first week of April, I went to visit him in Florida where he’s attending school. Two weeks before I departed, he told me we needed to talk but that he’d wait until I was there with him. When I did get there, he confessed he still loved me and apologized for treating me horribly when we were together. He recognized that I had always been there for him and thank me for loving him unconditionally. Then came the question. “Do you want to be my girlfriend… again?” I couldn’t answer him at the moment. I didn’t think either of us was ready because we still needed to discuss many issues that had never been addressed before. I was there about 12 days and we had several discussions in which two became harsh arguments. I told him several times that I should’ve never visited and that we were better off alone. He freaked! He reflected and apologized saying that he didn’t want to lose me again. The day I left, he confessed more to me. It melted my heart! He said that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, I was perfect in his eyes, he loves me very much, he had always loved me, I’m a good person with so much love to give… and the list goes on. This is coming from a guy who is extremely proud and arrogant. He promised to stay committed to me and I did as well, so we made it official then. Aside from the disagreements, he was such a sweetheart and we had a wonderful time. I stayed at his place to avoid paying for a hotel. He paid for all my meals. I never felt like a princess… not even when we were together the first time. I guess he now realizes what he lost and wants it back. Moving away is probably the major factor that forced him to mature. I’ve been on my own since I was 18. Although he was in the Marines, it is until now that he realizes how difficult being on your own is. He finally understands me in that sense and respects my dedication towards my job and school.

Since then, we’ve had lots of discussions and I believe we’re making progress. If I complain about something, I tell him that it’s not because I want to control him or initiate an argument. He knows now that I simply want him to understand me and respect my feelings. He’s stubborn but he’s been getting better. I recently thank him for making an effort to be a good boyfriend.

Now I just fear the thought of going through another break-up with him. We both want this to work. He tells me to trust him and I tell him to have faith in our relationship. His school keeps him very occupied, but he still manages to call me everyday. If he can’t call me because he’s studying or finishing up a project, he sends a text. I do the same. We’re best friends but we both have a problem. Although we love each other very much, we both have trust issues. How can we deal with this? How can I deal with this? I know that he’s trying his best and he knows that I’m trying as well. Little arguments that have come about have been because either he or I revive the past. Most of the time, it’s him. Although we have great memories, most of our relationship back then consisted of intensive arguments. How can we get pass this?

Thank you for your time April!

[April Masini]

Long distance relationships have their own challenges, and the best you can do is walk through this one. There is no relationship insurance that guarantees things will work out — not even in non-long distance relationships. Keeping the communication channels open is key to avoiding miscommunications and misunderstandings which are the pitfalls of long distance relationships.

The other part of making a relationship work, and making sure you’re in a relationship that IS working is to be honest with yourself. I know you want this to work, but be honest and make sure it’s a good relationship, and if or when it stops being that, be honest with yourself about the nature of the relationship. On the other hand, if it continues to thrive in spite of natural rough patches, then you’ll know, with time, that it’s working.

I hope that helps!

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