He says I’m not listening but I am!

[hedgehog]

This problem has just started to develop within the past three months.
The problem is this: He thinks I don’t listen to him. It makes him so upset and he blames me. He yells at me for not listening or acts sad that I didn’t and it makes me feel awful and helpless. This can happen in a variety of ways:
For example, sometimes he will say something to me. I will respond. Then he will have THOUGHT he said something. It could be he thought he said 3hours instead of 2hours or he said “me” instead of “you”. It can be little things, or sometimes whole sentences. I know for a fact that he hasn’t said these things. But he is convinced he did. So he thinks I didn’t listen and flips out.
Another way it can happen is by him misunderstanding me. For example, we were talking. He said a point about something technical. I responded in a way that added to his point, and I used technical terms. He didn’t understand what I meant so he thought that I had just said something very similar to what he had just said. So he flipped out because he thought I didn’t listen.
When he flips out he never threatens to leave me. I know he won’t/doesn’t want to. But he blames me entirely and never gives me a chance to explain or to get to the root of the problem. I have tried to tell him “You misunderstood me!” but he won’t try to understand HOW he misunderstood me.
He is still convinced this isn’t his fault. A couple can not function if they can’t communicate and at such a basic level!
I am also confused by all of this because it only just started happening about 3 months ago

[April Masini]

Okay — so you’re 19 and he’s 40, and you’ve been dating for 1 year and four months and this problem popped up about three months ago. The miscommunication is less concerning than his reaction. Everybody miscommunicates sometimes, but it sounds like he gets very stubborn when this happens and always blames you for either not listening or not communicating clearly with him.

Why not try disarming him by not arguing back? Instead of being right, simply apologize and tell him he’s right. Even when he’s not. If this problem is simply about him being stubborn and needing to be right, then let him be! 😉 If, however, you try this and he finds something else to get angry about — in a different arena, then I’d suggest that you have a different problem going on. But if it truly is just about him needing to be right — even about your not listening to him, then just try saying, “You’re right. I’ll try listen more carefully. Thanks for being patient with me. I know how frustrating this must be!” See if that works!

[Author]

Posts