help

[mubbuus]

im in deep trouble.first of all i am indian .i am 26 year old i have this sister who is 16 she is not my real sister but i choose her as my sister and she too choose me as her brother.initially everyone accepted our relatioship but now they r not doing so they r scolding us .so we started meeting and talking on phone secretly without our families knowledge.but yesterday we were caught by the girl’s(my sister) real brother he started to scold us and even hit her .i stopped him but he didnt stop.

i came to her house for wishing her good luck for her exams but secretly without anyone seeing me and went into her room .he knocked and came in and started scolding us saying u meet alone and all and started telling her if i am(thats me) so important in her life then why the hell is she staying with them.and started scolding.we too started thinking after that our relationship is creating problems for us and ruining our lifes we are unable to concentrate on our studies.but if we leave each other then too we will feel sad and disgusted but then others will be happy .so wat should i do tell me please???????????

[mubbuus]

please help me april or anyone i feel like ending my life.feel like its not worth it anymore.feel like i have disgraced everyone.

[kai]

Hey, i’m sorry you’re in so much pain, but killing yourself is the worst thing you could do. please call one of the numbers i’ve listed below ASAP!

i’m sure April will respond to you as soon as she gets on the forum. she’s great about responding…

you’re not alone. hang in there, thing will improve.

National Suicide Hotlines USA
United States of America

Toll-Free / 24 hours a day / 7 days a week
1-800-SUICIDE
1800-273-TALK

[April Masini]

I’m very sorry you feel so down and out. If you really feel suicidal, definitely call a suicide hotline or walk into the emergency room of any hospital or police station or fire station and ask for help. Your life is worth a lot, and this problem you’re having IS solvable. 🙂

First of all, I’m sorry that you feel disgraced. It seems like this shame you have is what’s making you feel so desperate. If you can understand that you didn’t do anything wrong, and that your friend’s brother is acting out of his own fear, you’re going to feel a lot better.

If you can try and put yourself in your friend’s family’s shoes, what you’d see is a 26 year old man interested in a 16 year old girl. Although your feelings may be platonic, it’s really hard for her family to understand this, and they see you as a threat to her. Telling them that you’re not a threat won’t alleviate their feelings, [i]but,[/i] there are certain behaviors you can adopt that will help. 😀

Try to make sure that you see your friend who you feel is a sister, in public places or with her family. This will make them understand better that your intentions are familial and not predatory. Sneaking into her bedroom without their knowing you were there sent them into a big worry, and her brother reacted out of fear that you were interested in her sexually. Take yourself out of your own head and look at it from their point of view and you’ll see that they definitely have a point — because they don’t know you! If they can get to know you, then they’ll feel more comfortable with you.

So in addition to seeing your friend in public places and not in her bedroom or any places that could be misconstrued as being a date venue, include her family in any get together you have with her. That way, they can get to know you as a family friend — and if what you truly want is to be sister/brother with her, then accepting her family would be a natural step in your relationship.

It’s going to take some effort on your part to repair the relationship you have with her family because of the sneaking around the two of you have done up to now. The family isn’t trustful of you, and you have to gain their trust — but if you feel really strongly about your friend, then that trust is worth it.

I’d also recommend that you introduce your friend and her family to your girlfriends or dates — if they understand that you actually have love interests that are closer to your age, and your interest in their daughter is, again, familial, then they’re going to be more accepting of your relationship with her.

As for her family hitting her — she should report any domestic violence, which includes her parents or brother hitting her, to the appropriate authorities. These authorities include her high school nurse or guidance counselor or any teacher employed by the high school, her physician, or the police.

All relationships take work — even non-romantic ones. Your relationship with your sisterly friend is no exception. Work on the relationship and on your own ability to empathize with her family, even when what they do isn’t what you would do if you were in their shoes. Understanding and tolerance is required here — and you are sensitive enough to make this work.

Please let me know how you’re doing and what happens next. I’ll be thinking of you. 🙂

[mubbuus]

thank you for ur words but the thing is the girl whom i am talking about is my bothers sister in law.and their family knows really well about my family.both our fathers(her and my father)are childhood friends.
but now after i was caught with her they r thinking i had sex with her and now they r talking of getting her married.(we live in india).
if her family says anything about this to my family my life will be over. my whole family is gonna treat me like a piece of shit . earlier too they objected to us being together as brother sister and asked us not to meet or call but we did it secretly and now its back in public .
i am unable to think of anything .if my family knows they gonna kill me for sure.im unable to concentrate on anything.feel like i am unable to breathe.the walls r getting closer on me .my sister too is feeling the pain. i myself am i doctor but i am unable to think anything.
what should i do ?how should i react ?how should i convince them we didnt have sex?how will i convince my parents ?my mother has had a heart attack earlier .wat should i do?im totally blank .feeling as if it would be better if i get hit by a truck.rather than staying .

[mubbuus]

what should i do.we two are unable to comprehend why are we doing this i mean why are we keeping our relationship despite all these problems.why arent we letting it go?
we are getting doubts are we really a brother sister or something else.?
and if so then even then why are we still thinking of being together at the cost of our lives our families their happiness,their pride and their respect in the society.
how can we decide and know for sure if we really are a brother and sister?
we are even imagining leaving our families and staying together.i mean how can we imagine leaving someone who has raised us and made us this big just for the sake of us?
we hug each other we kiss.we have even smooched each other cause she wanted to know how its done how it feels.but after that we felt really shitty we felt a bro and sis can never do such a thing.but again we r back being a bro and sis.i mean how can this happen.
her family members think i had sex with her in her room but i never did if their was something like that we would have even done that wouldnt we?
please help us april help us realize what our relationship truly is.wat should be done of our relationship?

[mubbuus]

please help us april u gonna save two lives here

[April Masini]

Since the friend you originally wrote me about with an interest in pursuing a platonic relationship with is actually your brother’s sister in law, and your father and her father are best friends from childhood, it seems like she already is part of your extended family.

That’s the good news! You get to see her at family functions and enjoy her company in the company of the rest of your extended family, so you’ll never really be cut off from her. 🙂 But as you already know, she’s not your real sister. Nor is she your sister in law. She’s an extended family member. It’s probably confusing to everyone, including yourself, when you wrote that you’ve chosen each other as a brother and sister. A more common relationship would be just friends, but it’s not normal for a 26 year old man to be interested in a 16 year old girl as a friend since they have so little in common and the 16 year old has so much less life experience so it’s such an uneven friendship.

I’m sure it was very hard for your family to understand your explanation that you had chosen each other as siblings. If you had said you were good friends, that would be understandable. If you had said you were good buddies, that would be understandable, but for you to tell people you were sister and brother is just confusing to them. So you have to understand where they are coming from when they heard that you two thought you were siblings. 😕

On top of that, it’s also unusual for a 26 year old grown man to befriend a 16 year old high school student. So, again, you confused your family by giving them another unusual set of circumstances. When you snuck into her bedroom and were caught there, it made a lot of sense for her brother to jump to the conclusion that you were interested in her as more than just a sibling. Bedrooms are private places, and even for her to have another teenager who is a boy of 16 in her bedroom would be inappropriate to many, many people. So you’ve been crossing boundaries of what the norm is and confusing people. That’s why they’re al upset. So if you want to stop upsetting them, stop crossing normal boundaries. It’s really that simple.

And that brings me to your admission of “smooching” with her, which is very different from a brother sister relationship that you led me to believe you wanted. In fact, you confused me when you said you only wanted a brother sister relationship, and then today told me that you have smooched with her because she wanted to see how it’s done. 😯 Even if she wants to see how sex is done, since you are the legal adult, it’s your responsibility to tell her no. No to kissing and no to any kind of sexual behavior. It’s been scientifically proven that teenagers brains function differently than adult’s brains. Teenagers take more risks and put themselves in danger more often. That’s another reason her family is wary of her hanging out with you in her bedroom. I’m sure that if you step outside of your own head, you’ll be able to empathize with her family who feels protective of her.

You should encourage her to experiment with smooching with boys her own age, and refrain, yourself from such behavior with her [b]because it’s not in her best interests[/b] — [i]and if you really care about her, you’ll want what’s best for her.[/i] It’s normal for teenagers to have sexual feelings and to want to experiment with them, but they should experiment with people their own ages. Likewise, it sounds like you could really benefit from getting out of this claustrophobic relationship you’re building with this girl, and dating some women who are in their 20s, are as educated as you are, and who are interested in an adult relationship. That way you won’t focus so much on this young girl and possibly mislead her — or yourself.

My advice is, as I gave you yesterday — to only see her in public places, with her family, so that there is no misunderstanding that you are interested in her sexually, which would be inappropriate, and in the United States, it is illegal to have any kind of sexual relations with someone of your friend’s age. So it’s always a good idea to stick to the law and to cultural norms to avoid a lot of problems like the ones you seem to be having. Part of the reason you’re so upset is that you don’t want to do anything wrong or to upset your family or hers, and that’s the mature part of you understanding how to live a peaceful life. You should follow that voice in your heart.

It’s wrong for her to leave her family to stay with you because she is so young. She’d be missing out on so many opportunities in life that are developmentally important to teenagers, so do the right thing for this girl, and don’t encourage her to even think about running off with you. She’s a teenager, and belongs with her family who wants her to grow up normally. Whether or not you agree with them, it’s important that you respect them. If she were 21 years old, I’d have a different opinion, but since she’s just a girl, it’s important that you guide her, as a good family friend, to do what’s right for her. This is a great opportunity for you to do the right thing because you’re the adult here.

The best way for you to convince your family and hers that you’re not having a sexual relationship, or have ever had sex with this friend of yours, or even want to, is to get a girlfriend your own age, or in your age range, and show them that you have a full life, and your interest in this girl you seem so concerned about right now, is just friendship.

I hope that helps. I know you can do this! 😀

[mubbuus]

first of all thank you april .ur help is making life really liveable.
yes i too agree with u in finishing this relationship cause this is creating so many problems for both of us and ruining our lifes and our studies.but when i tell her this and explain it to her about the problems we will face and we r facing she just says how can u leave me brother.and starts crying and says i knew it whenever this thing would come in open u would leave me .and starts scolding me of being someone who used her in his free time and now leaving her cause its creating problems.
wat should i do how should i convince her .if i say anything about finishing this relationship she starts crying and says fine u wanna finish this lets finish this but understand one thing i cant stay like this under constant bullying and scoldings from my family i will just run away anyways u dont care about me.
wat should i do then april how should i convince her how should i make her realise this relationship is gonna create problems for us all along.?
and then she starts blaming me for ruining her life and her image in front of her family and then tells me u have done all this and u leaving so calmly ?
wat should i do april .?
is finishing this relationship the only way out?she says she can never leave me she likes me soooo much she wants me to be with her all her life.she even has plans of how we gonna meet and introduce our life partners to each other after we get married separately to different people.wat should i do april?tell me ?

[mubbuus]

please help april

[April Masini]

This is really simple. Since you’re unable or unwilling to follow my prior advice, you should just stop seeing her altogether. She’s 16, and it’s inappropriate for you to spend one more minute on the phone on e-mail, or in person with her. Just stop. It’s that simple. She is a minor who has parents who can and will take care of her.

Please also understand this is a free service, and while I’m always happy to help readers, you’ve been monopolizing time that could go to others more willing to follow my advice.

Please allow other readers to benefit from my site, by not posting so much.

Good luck.

[mubbuus]

i am sorry april i am not monopolizing ur time sorry if u think that way.i will followur advice and confront her and say it to her .but the only thing i am afraid of is she might hurt herself and cant handle it so i am asking for ur help.sorry if am being such a problem for ya and thanks a lot for ur help.its been really really helpful and guiding force.

[April Masini]

If you think she’s going to hurt herself, then you have a responsibility to report this concern to the police and or a hospital who can help with any psychiatric situations that may arise as a result of her instability.

[Author]

Posts