help

[relationshipa1]

well i have been very good friends with this girl for 2 to 3 years now we hang out once every few weeks talk and txt everyday we made out once when we were both drunk around 8 months ago but both choose to just forget it being as we were both in relationships and we didnt want to ruin our friendship a few weeks ago she got a dui she called me and i went and got her from jail she wanted to stay at my house witch was fine but we ended up in bed together we made out and fooled around a bit we talked alot we both told one another that we love eachother and that we make eachother happy we think about eachother everyday that kind of thing i am sigle but she is back in a off on relationship that she doesnt seem happy in to me but i asked her if her b/f is what she wants and if seh loves him and she relys i think so i am very very confused i dont know what to do she txts me and asks me what wrong being as i havent been talking to her as freqently my choice i have become very withdrawn for her and everybody else she sys shes worred about me and im treating her differantly im not doing this to hurt her her happyness means more to me than anything im just so confused im deeply in love with her and i dont know what i should do please help

[bandit]

I’ve been in a similar situation with on of my female friends back in the day. Here’s what I learned:

There’s a reason why you are friends for a long time and never become a couple. Sometimes, in the bond and comfort you have as friends, you forget what those reasons are, then you end up making out. A few things can happen then.

1. It gets weird, impacts your friendship.
2. One of you develops stronger feelings for the other, which the other doesn’t share, but wants to maintains the status quo (this also, eventually ends the friendship)
3. You both realize you’re great together, and live happily ever after.

I have very rarely heard of #3 happening. #2 is far more common. Tread carefully. I think that a mature conversation is in order where you explain to her, with no drama, how the recent actions have changed your feelings, and that you need time to deal with them if she doesn’t return them. In my experience, this is the price of fooling around with friends, unfortunately.

[April Masini]

I like Bandit’s advice to you a lot, and here’s mine, so you can decide what resonates for you. The thing that is making you uncomfortable is that she is dating another guy. If she really wanted you the way you want her, she’d clear her dating plate and make you her one and only, but she isn’t doing that. You’re disappointed, not confused, and you don’t really want to be number two to some other guy even if he is an off and on kind of boyfriend. The confusing part is that you’ve been friends for so long so she’s flown under the dating radar that you’d use to decide if you wanted to date a woman you just met. You would probably not go for a new woman who had an off and on boyfriend, but because you’re friends with this one, you forgot that she’s not Ms. Right. She’s Ms. Right Now, only that right now moment has passed.

Back off from her altogether. If you want to try and resume your friendship, that’s fine, but I think that you’re going to have trouble being just friends now, given what’s transpired. When you have moved on and are dating someone else, who is appropriate for you, you’ll feel much better about being friends again — if you even want to then.

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