Help with husband :(

[relationshipa1]

Ok, my husband is my best friend. I have so much fun with him- even going to the grocery store is like a new adventure. We love to be together and really enjoy each other’s company above anything else (although we are not together 24/7- I like plenty of alone time and time with friends, of course). We’ve been together since I was 15 (I am now 21) and have been married for 2 years now. We are more loving together than most of the couples we associate with- we cuddle more, we do more things together, and smile at each other more, things like that. To any outsider, our relationship would look great.. but there is one big problem that I cannot seem to look past. See, I believe myself to be a very passionate person.. I might even say it’s one of my biggest personality traits. My husband, on the other hand, is NOT. That didn’t really bother me for a long time because he’s so wonderful in so many other ways, I just let it go. But the more and more time goes by, the more I feel I can no longer look past it. We have sex once a month, if I’m lucky, and I’ve done EVERYTHING to make that change. I’ve put on my best sex-kitten face and tried initiating (he laughs at me and tells me to stop as best he can while trying not to hurt my feelings), I’ve tried doing nothing and waiting for him to initiate it (ya, right..), and I’ve even tried crying and telling him I can’t stand it even a second longer if he doesn’t touch me (not one of my prouder moments). He knows full and well how important it is to me and how much it hurts me that I never get touched, but his only response is to belittle it and tell me that it’s such a stupid thing to be upset about. Well, I don’t think it’s stupid, at all.

I think I know WHY he is like this. He doesn’t feel like he satisfies me sexually, so I think he gave up. It’s not my doing that he feels that way- I have done everything in my power to stroke his ego in that respect. Now, whenever I am lucky enough to get some attention, I find myself faking a lot of things just to keep him from taking sex away from me, period. I know it’s him stopping himself because the only time he ever wants sex (typically once every 1-2 months) is when he has already fallen asleep and I accidently wake him up when I am getting into bed. I know that having just fallen asleep and waking up means he has less inhibition than he would normally have if he was fully awake, and, literally, these occasions are the only time I have ever gotten any in well over a year.

I can’t take it anymore! I am young, blonde, skinny.. I have beautiful eyes, excellent bone structure, and a body I put a lot of time into taking care of- I mean, damnit, every other man stares at me everywhere we go! It does not make any sense to me why I should have to feel this way. I love my husband and would never want to cheat on him or hurt him in any way, but I have gotten to the point that I am so starved physically that I find myself thinking about other men. If an attractive guy put a few drinks into me and had the slightest bit of fire in his eyes, I don’t know what I would do! And I don’t want to feel that way 🙁

I want my HUSBAND to want me, I don’t give a damned about the rest of the world. It feels like such a silly thing to be upset over, but I just can’t help but feel dread when I think about having to live the rest of my life this way. I mean, this can’t be all there is.. can’t I even have a KISS that has passion behind it instead of a childlike giggle?

And, again, I’ve made it clear to him how I feel about all this.. he knows it’s important to me.. and he laughs it off.
🙁

[April Masini]

If your husband has only been with you, sexually, his entire life, then your instinct that he is afraid he can’t satisfy you sexually, and has backed off from sex pretty much altogether, to avoid that potential problem, then you need to take the pressure off of him. He may not have a lot of sexual experience, and isn’t comfortable being open about this fear — with anyone. So make sure that whatever you do, you’re not critical or overly expectant of him in bed.

My advice is to slow things down, sexually. I know that doesn’t sound like what you want to hear, but if you can be together, naked, and begin to explore each others’ bodies without the time together culminating in intercourse, then he may feel like he’s off the hook enough to relax. Make a pact that you’ll go to bed and just be together naked, but won’t have intercourse, and will only kiss. You can substitute kissing with touching — but keep it all about exploration and affection — not goals. Eventually you can build on that sexual dynamic without having pressured him into satisfying you.

Something else you might try is to make one night all about him. You do all the work, and you take the night off from being satisfied.

If you can be patient, but persistent and keep a non-panicked attitude, you may find your problem is solved.

Of course, if he’s stressed about other things in his life — like work, family or money — the symptoms of the stress could show up in the bedroom, as you describe, with his lowered libido. Eliminating that stress will probably help a lot.

If things don’t work out, make sure that you have your husband see a medical doctor who can give you his professional, medical opinion on any possible causes for your husband’s behavior.

[Anonymous]

Thank you very much for your help, April. I didn’t think of that at all, but the more I do, the more I think it will probably make a difference. Thank you SO much!

[optimistvik]

hi, dont try to be judgmental of his actions in the bedroom, it may give him a unsecure feeling about his behavior.

[April Masini]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you. 😉

[Author]

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