[relationshipa1]

Hello,

My wife and I have been married for a year and a half. We always had a great relationship and enjoyed time spending together. At some point my wife started talking about buying a house. I always answered I don’t like the idea about having a house, I don’t like (or more precisely ‘hate’) doing yard word, fixing the house. I don’t want the responsibility of having a house and lost of flexibility.
Then my wife told me she made an appointment at an open house. And we had to go. And then we started doing it every weekend. I did not like it but I just always gave up at arguments when I was told “You are the only person who does not want a house. Everybody else knows how smart it is and a good investment”. Later I just gave up and we bought a house. I could not argue anymore. I could not listen to her anymore.
Now we have been living in a house for a little over two months. We spend all our money for paint, rugs, curtains, etc, etc… all our free time raking, cutting grass, whatever is necessary. We argue all the time b/c I am telling her I hate the house. Then at some point I apologize and we are ok and then we argue again.
I am sure we cannot live like that for too long. I am just upset, I cannot sleep, cannot concentrate on anything. When I mention selling the house she asks me how to explain it to her friends. I am willing to invest my lifetime savings into the loss we make when selling the house. My wife thinks at some point I will start liking the house. I don’t believe it. What should we do?

Thanks,
L

[April Masini]

Unfortunately you agreed to buy the house. That was the moment for you to stop complaining and understand your part in the agreement.

Now that you’re in the house, you’re doing the same thing by agreeing (tacitly or vocally) to spend money on home improvements and furnishings, but being angry about your agreement.

What you need to do is to put up some boundaries in the relationship so you don’t feel so victimized every time you and your wife make decisions together. And if she’s just spending without your consultation, and you’re upset at finding out about the spending on the house then you need to agree to joint spending habits so that, again, you don’t feel victimized.

Because you’re so upset that you’re losing sleep and can’t concentrate, I think that you and your wife have to agree how long you’re going to live in the house. When she asks you how she’s going to explain this to her friends, then you can tell her that the explanation is: My husband hates the house, and although I love it, I love him more, and where we live is less important than that we take care of each other, so we’ve agreed to live here for 5 years (or whatever amount of time you agree on), for me, and then we’ll move to a condo for him for 5 years (again, or whatever amount of time you agree on) for him.

Making deals is an important tool in marriage, so understand that you have different likes and dislikes, and there may be some compromise she can make in order for you to feel that the house is a compromise you’re willing to make. Try thinking outside the box, and make a list of everything you really want in your life together and apart, and ask her to do the same. Share the list, and then see if there are places on each other’s lists where you can trade what you want for what she wants and vice verse. It’s when people stick their heels in the mud and don’t compromise that marriages become ruined, or when people do things that they know they can’t live with, but do them anyway and never make a correction that marriages get ruined.

Don’t let the house destroy your marriage. It’s just a house. If you really want a low maintenance apartment or condo and maybe she wants to live in a different part of the country, perhaps that’s a reasonable trade. Or if you want a condo and she wants a decorating budget and free reign on the remodeling, maybe that’s a compromise. I’m sure you can come up with your own personalized deals. Just be clear where your lines in the sand are, and respect them because when you don’t, you end up not being able to sleep and feeling angry, and that’s no good.

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