[jlviper146]

Hello.

A little background: I have been going out with my girlfriend since 2/08. She is an incredible person in many ways and I love her to death. I am 23 and she is 20. We are different in a lot of ways but do share some similar tastes/interests and really love each others company. I couldn’t imagine myself without her, and she has said the same to me.

The basic problem I am having is that she will not have intercourse with me. She is a virgin, I am not. We have done several sex-related things including oral sex, but have yet to have actual intercourse. Basically we have done “everything but”, if you know what I mean. We have tried to have sex about a half dozen times or so and every time it has ended bad, usually with her in tears. She is scared to death of the pain and on my attempts she grimaces with the slightest/softest contact I make down in her “area”. Now like I said, we have done “everything but” so I have given her hundreds of orgasms using my fingers/hands on her and she loves them. I have gone inside her lots of times with my index finger, but usually only at the point right before she starts to orgasm, other than that she says it doesn’t feel good or hurts. She has in turn given me a few orgasms, but most of the time I usually finish myself. She is heavily inexperienced cause she is a virgin. Most everything she has learned I have taught/talked to her about.

Now, I am an impatient person in general with most everything, but I strive to be as patient as possible with her. I have not had full blown intercourse since before we started going out. Obviously I am EXTREMELY horny, and I honestly do not know what to do . I really don’t want to leave her cause she is so special to me and I love her. I will also never ever cheat on her, I am not that type of person. It has gotten to the point of me telling her hundreds of times how bad I want to make love to her, and she usually just replies “I know, I know” or “I know, I suck”, then it just makes me feel guilty. I am not going to break up with her just to have sex with someone, I do NOT want to leave her and there is a LOT more to relationships than just sex, I believe.

One thing I know she hates, as most females do, is her self image. She thinks she is fat and ugly. I tell her everyday I think she is beautiful (and I truly do think she is fu**ing smokin!). I am sure this is part of the overall problem, but do continue to read below please.

Not only am I horny as hell because I haven’t had sex in a few years and I am a normal young male, I also believe sex would help me a lot right now. So far, 2009 has not been kind to me at all. I was jobless for the first time in my life for roughly 2.5 months. Like I mentioned earlier, I quit a job I LOVED and worked for 6.5 years to move back home to be with my girlfriend, and I have still not gotten over it. I have an okay job now, but there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about how much I miss my old one. My girlfriend is well aware of this also, and keeps saying things like “So move back, I’m not that important”, and I hold true to the opposite, and tell her that she has made me happy more than anything in my life, and that is 100% true. So I think sex would help relieve a lot of stress in my life. I have only had sex a handful of times, so I have no idea how nice it must be to have sex on a regular basis, even if its once or twice a week. I am very tired of feeling like a moron loser when my friends meet girls and have sex within days or weeks, and here I am sitting at 17+ months…and nothing….

I have even mentioned to my girlfriend to go to a doctor and see if “everything is alright down there” for her, thinking that perhaps there is something causing more pain for her than normal. She had her normal gynecologist checkup and the doc said everything is fine. I have also tried to get some toys to try and spice things up and prep her for sex but that hasn’t helped either. She also mentioned “well maybe if I get drunk with you we’ll be able to do it”. This has actually yet to be attempted but history tells me more than likely it won’t make a difference, not to mention she pretty much never drinks as it is and when she does it is very very little.

Recently she mas mentioned to me that she doesn’t even care about having sex right now, saying “its not a big deal to me”. I then tell her “well its not a big deal to you because you do not know what you’re missing”. I have also even thrown out the “well if you don’t have sex with me then you must not love me” bit, not trying to hurt her or anything, but just to see what kind of response I get. When I say this she tears up and says she does love me, and all I accomplished by trying this was feeling like a moron. I tell her I would never hurt her (although being a virgin it is inevitable that it is going to hurt for her) and that if I could I would take all the pain for her. Sad thing is, it doesn’t really matter what I say because she is scared to death of the pain from sex. And it doesn’t help that she is a hypochondriac in general anyway, she admits this herself.

I am pretty much out of ideas here, and I am really really wanting a change and really really wanting to have sex on some sort of a basis, hell even if its once a month. Is all this just “normal virgin jitters”? Or is it something much more? What am I missing? I have never heard of any couple going out for 17+ months and not having intercourse. I am open to any type of advice, I am sure there are some ideas/issues I haven’t thought of.

If you need more information about me/her/anything, please let me know!
Thank you for your time reading this and I look forward to your help!

[April Masini]

First of all, you need to find out if your girlfriend has any moral or religious ideas about her virginity. If she is resisting having sex because of an ideal — whether it’s from her church, her family or her politics — she may be conflicted and this can cause her pause.

Second, your suggestion that she talk to her doctor is a good one. Just because her check up goes okay, doesn’t mean she discussed painful intercourse or fear of intercourse with her doctor. It would be a good idea if she had a consultation or an exam specifically for that purpose.

Thirdly, your girlfriend may have trouble relaxing. When women have intercourse it’s essential to be relaxed, especially for someone who’s new to it. There can be pain in the beginning, but that’s not always true. What helps is making sure your girlfriend is not tense. After you perform oral sex on her, since that’s already part of your routine, and after she’s had an orgasm that way, might be a good time for her body to be relaxed enough to try having intercourse. You can also try using a water based store bought lubricant, which is second best to her body lubricating itself naturally.

It’s wonderful that you are patient with her. Don’t lay guilt on her about your moving here and changing jobs. That was your decision. Guilting her with that will only make her tenser. Keep that one to yourself. And when you’re talking about sex, make it a conversation you have away from the bedroom. She’ll be more able to open up and talk freely if she doesn’t feel pressured to perform in that very moment.

[jlviper146]

[b]April:[/b]

1. She does not have any sort of belief against sex or sex before marriage or any of that. She also doesn’t really have anyone to talk to about it…..her older twin sisters (whom are my age) have never had boyfriends according to her, and probably have never had sex either I am guessing. I’ve tried to tell her to perhaps talk to some of her friends to see if she could get advice from them but it sounds like her friends have really only given her basic basic ideas (i.e. use lube, use a condom, etc.)

2. She has talked to her gynecologist on her last appt. about a month ago to see if everything checked out physically, but I don’t think she talked to her about her actual fear of sex, etc. Perhaps I will suggest to her to do that?

3. And you are right, she is very tense. Every time we have attempted intercourse she is very very tense and will not even hardly spread her legs at all. Now in terms of oral sex, I haven’t really done a whole lot in that dept, mostly because she doesn’t really fully let me do what I want to do. When I am licking her she will either say it feels weird or hurts, or if I stay on the extreme northern edge of her ‘area’, after a little bit she will tell me to stop and i’ll say “whats wrong?” and she’ll say “its just too much, too intense, I cant handle it”. So I cannot seem to do oral sex on her the way I want to do it. In terms of having multiple orgasms, we have only done that a few times, and it takes a lot out of her. She usually does not have the energy to do more than one orgasm. I have the energy obviously, I have no problem getting her off. The only time I can ever even go inside her is with a finger and its only right at the split second when she starts to orgasm and during her orgasm. I can put my finger pretty much all the way in her then and she says it feels amazing, but in terms of me fingering her from the get-go to try and achieve an orgasm, she says it doesn’t do much and it feels much better just rubbing her a bit further up a whole lot, like we usually do.

[April Masini]

It sounds like your girlfriend has a different social background than you do. If her older sisters, who are at least 21, haven’t had boyfriends or sex, and her friends don’t really talk to her about sex with very many specifics or personal experiences, then she may just come from a family and friends background that isn’t that open about sex. This isn’t wrong. It’s just different. You seem to be very open and eager when it comes to sex, and the difference between the two of you is a big gap to bridge.

If your girlfriend is comfortable discussing her fear of sex or her concerns about intercourse or other sex acts with her doctor I bet she’d get some good advice and reassurance. But if she’s not ready to talk to her physician about her fear of sex or her reluctance about it on her own, you can’t make her. Pressuring her isn’t going to work. It’s just going to make her more tense.

When you said that you don’t get to perform oral sex on her “the want you want to do it,” it seemed to me that you may be just moving too fast for her. It’s very normal for women to feel like certain sexual stimulation is “too intense.” That’s your signal to listen to her and reward her for communicating with you by slowing down and/or backing off. Stop expecting her to have more than one orgasm. She may not be able to, and she may feel that she’s not doing it right or that she’s disappointing you if you tell her that she can or should be having more than one.

It’s wonderful that the two of you are communicating about this. Keeping that channel open is the key to a good sex life. I think, though, that you’re really going to have to slow down a lot. She’s not experienced like you are, and she’s not just learning to navigate your body, but her own, as well. Men are a lot more goal oriented when it comes to sex. Women can get a lot of pleasure from the long warm up and slower, smaller gestures. If you can find pleasure in knowing that not every time you have intimacy it ends in an orgasm, then she may not feel pressured to perform and may feel less tense about sex. Sometimes it’s not men who are pressured to perform, but women.

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