[relationshipa1]

Hello. :]
I’m having a dilemma about my feelings and don’t know how to understand them or make my boyfriend understand them. Here’s the story. I met this guy over a dating website called ‘Zoosk’. I was alone at the time I couldn’t seem to meet anyone who could ever fit my interest and having that emotional connection makes me feel good about myself. Currently I am 19 years old about to turn 20. I don’t attend college yet [more or less it’s because I don’t know what I want to do] Well, Me and the guy I was talking to [i’ll call him Ray and he’s 27 by the way] talked as friends for a few weeks and saw that we had a lot in common. We met up for the first time in applebee’s [where it was very crowded and I had my best friend with me] and it was great. He’s a gentleman, he’s funny, outgoing and verying loving. I had strong feelings for him. We started dating and was dating for a month until he asked to be my official “boyfriend”. I was excited and of course, said yes. But mean while I was fighting with my mom too much, I couldn’t handle the pressure she was putting on me and I couldn’t live with anyone else but him. Well, me and Ray decided to move in together a couple weeks after our “official titles” and we were very happy.

The whole experience was very new to me since i’ve never moved out and away from my mom before. I love living with Ray… most of the time. I know that right now we’re just learning about each other [ and we’ve been together for about 5-6 months and he saved me from my mother and he saved our relationship] but when we fight [which seems be a lot sometimes and other times not so much] it feels like he’s constantly attacking me and making me look like the bad guy. Currently i’m unemployed, so he is the only one supporting us. I clean up the house and I go job hunting often so I can help him at least a little financially. I know he is stressed out but it seems like he never stops to consider that I am too. A lot of the times when we fight, I just bottle it up inside so I stop myself from saying something I don’t mean. But the problem is, we both have tempers so doing that is very difficult for me but it seems like he could care less about controlling himself like that.

He always asks me of examples of something he did wrong but most of the time i’m so upset or hurt that I can’t think straight and I can never give him a straight answer… and without him knowing it, he’s rubbing it in my face to show that he’s right. Earlier today we got into a mini bickering match and I told him that he never looks at my point of view either. I want to say that most of the time he is 75% right, but that other 25% when i’m right, he STILL manages to make it look like i’m not. I try to explain it to him in so many different ways but it doesn’t seem to work. I want us to work out because he makes me feel like no one does and when we arn’t fighting, he brings out the best in me and I bring out the best in him. How can we fix this problem that we have?

I’m very hurt and just want this problem to go away. Thanks for reading.

[April Masini]

It sounds like you’ve transferred the fighting problem you’ve had with your mom, with whom you were living with until you moved in with your boyfriend of one month, onto your boyfriend, with whom you’re now living with for about six months 😕 So, for you, the problem is how you deal with conflict. You ran away from the conflict you were having with your mother by moving in with Ray, but now you’re having the same problems. Rather than running away, you need to learn how to deal with conflict and learn when and when not to run away from it.

One way to stop fighting is to disengage. Just because someone says something that angers you doesn’t mean you have to react. So check yourself when your boyfriend starts fighting with you, and try saying nothing, and just listening. Don’t get engaged in fighting and bickering.

Next, try listening really well. When you’re fighting back, you can’t possibly be listening as well as you would be if you’re not fighting back. Your adrenaline rushes when you fight, and your body is in a different and agitated fight or flight chemical state. This keeps you from being the best listener you can be. Try to really hear what it is your boyfriend is angry about.

Third, try problem solving. If you can see his problem that is causing his anger, and get to the root of it, then you can help the both of you find solutions. When you’re both fighting and bickering, nothing productive happens. But if there are real problems in the relationship, unless you figure out what they are and how to resolve them, the bickering will just boil.

It’s understandable that you write that you “just want this problem to go away”, and that’s how you handled the fighting with your mom. You left. But the problem is going to follow you around until you find tools to use to solve it. Here they are in my response. Let me know if they work for you.

[Author]

Posts