[relationshipa1]

Hello,
I am in a situation that I need some help with. I’m 25 and have dated a lot, but only had one serious boyfriend up until recently, when I meet a man who was ten years older than me. He is very smart, funny, and I’m really attracted to him physically, intellectually and emotionally. However this gets really complicated….
even though he has never been married or doesn’t have any kids.
He was dating a girl for two months or so before I met him. When I met him I didn’t realize that he was still dating her because this was not made clear….and it sounded like it was casual dating. I know her, and she knows me. She is divorced with a kid and is 7 years -ish older than me. I am single no kids, never married, etc.
So anyways, we started to date and I probably did every ‘wrong’ from the start…but the chemistry was intense and everything just clicked. He did make it clear that we were not boyfriend and girlfriend but it could go there. Then, I freaked out b/c my gut told me something wasn’t right….there were signs and I just thought ‘this is too good to be true’. So, I sent him a message and I was devastated, but said that I didn’t think I could do this b/c I wasn’t sure if I trusted myself with him, etc. He wrote back a long email and said that if I didn’t think I could trust him then it would never work, etc. I agreed but was so sad, and thought that maybe I was too harsh, and jumped to a conclusion too early (as I often do in my life). So I gave it another shot, but when we starting dating again he said that he had basically been working on breaking up with the other girl, but then when I bailed he didn’t,…SO he was still seeing her now. Thus, the triangle continues. I tried setting an ultimatum but it didn’t really pan out, but together we discussed the situation and came up with a deadline of a few weeks to sort it out… He said he has never been so confused in his life, so he would go speak to a counsellor about it. Now, there is no way for me to know for sure if he is actually doing it, but I think he is. I guess my question is….is this guy just full of poop like every other guy that I’ve been attracted to, or is he genuine in his feelings of confusion? Is he really just taking advantage of me and just likes the idea of me, but really plans on staying with her b/c she is older, etc? I didn’t plan on this happening and I wouldn’t have got invovled if I really knew that they were together, but I guess I didn’t. Am I picking the wrong guys, and is he really a manipulator and playing on the fact that I’m young and probably naive? Is there any way (damage control) that this could posibly work for me…any slim chance, at all? And…if he is truly trying to pick between dating “me” and “her” …if he chooses me, should I just say no anyways and let him deal with the loss even if I really want him? I figured that at this point I’ve got nothing to loose because everything has gone weird….so I would appreciate some help! I’m a smart girl and I try to protect myself. I usually protect myself too much. However, I don’t want to make a dumb mistake for the sake of some guy. I would only fight for him (so to speak) if I knew he was ‘the’ guy and worth fighting for.PLease help me…any advice would be great!

[April Masini]

I think you can salvage this relationship and do some damage control, but you’re going to have to modify your behavior. A lot!

First of all, you’d do well to buy my book, Think & Date Like A Man, that you can get by clicking on the Dating Advice Books link at the top of the page, and scrolling down to Think & Date Like A Man. Buy it online for $15.95 and it will give you WAY MORE information about what guys think about women and dating, and how to get the guy you want. You’ll get details in organized chapters. So buy the book, and I’ll give you some pointers here that should get you started.

Understand that you should NOT CHASE MEN. You may not think you’ve been chasing him, but when you’re no longer the prize in the relationship that he wants to get, so badly, he’d only date you, you’ve lost your leverage and so has he. You see, he wants to chase a woman who thinks she’s the prize because when he gets her, guess who the winner is? Well, he thinks he is! (And you think you are! So everyone wins.)

The minute you start giving him ultimatums about other women, you’ve gotten rid of the chase. You shouldn’t be telling him what to do. Instead, you’ve got to make yourself so attractive to him that he doesn’t need an ultimatum. He’ll get rid of anyone else he’s seeing because he wants to be with you.

So make it a little difficult for him to see you. Don’t throw yourself at him and don’t call him, return every text immediately or ask him out on dates. And when you do see him, make the time together magic and intimate so that he can’t wait to see you again.

You should also understand that until there is a commitment, you ARE BOTH dating other people. If you didn’t have all your eggs in one basket, you wouldn’t be so concerned about what he was doing with anyone else. In fact, you blew it because just when you started giving him ultimatums to get rid of the other girl, and then broke up with him — you come to find out that he was doing exactly what you wanted! He WAS breaking up with the other woman so he could be with you!

Since there’s been all this damage, you’ve lost some ground, and if you want a second change, you’re going to have to read my book, take all the advice in it, and do what the book tells you to, so you can become the prize again, and give him something he WANTS to chase and win.

If he goes after you, then you’ve got that second chance. If he doesn’t, then accept that he’s not yours, and move on with the information you now have about yourself, men and dating. You’ll get it right. Practice makes perfect.

[Author]

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