How do i earn my relationship back?!

[ali03]

Hello! I’m going to word this as short and simple as possible!

My ex boyfriend and I had been together for about 3 + years, but we were officially dating for 2 + years! The relationship itself was a great one, as we were both new to the concept and idea of it, so we explored a lot within it. I’ve got to say we both fell in love as time went by and we really appreciated one another, I could go on and on but that’d take forever. So back on topic, recently, I’d say for about the past two months, he started to become a little distant in the sense that i felt like i would not get any sort of interest shown from him. He had pointed out a few things that went against the whole notion of being in a relationship and wanting to “live life” which at times would make me think that our relationship was just going downhill because of the lack of attention from him, it seemed. I started to feel very left “hanging” you could say when it came to being loved. I even questioned him as to why he had been behaving differently but i would be told at first that hes fine but then it became pretty obvious as he had said that he didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. Then came the break for a two weeks or so, but he came back and had said “i missed you”. However, still then the feeling wasn’t right. Just two days ago, he burst out into a storm and broke up with me and said “he didn’t feel it” and how “its not me”. So here i am.

The way i feel is, I’ve put in a lot of effort and time and I have showed him plenty of love and now it feels like i wasn’t even acknowledged for it all in those past few months. My heart is completely broken, because of course we have so many memories together but we had even talked about getting married to each other, in fact he brought it up first. He’s told me to ignore him, but i can’t seem to, the battle between my mind and my heart is really taking over.

At this point, all i’ve been doing is crying and venting and can’t seem to stop messaging him. I really need some advice. I want the relationship between him and i to work out, not only that, but i’d love for him to come back to me and express himself. I really think i deserve it, for all ive done and i just need some way to attract him because what im doing is clearly not working out. I would love to grow old with him. This message is really limited because how i feel really can’t be described in words, its really painful and the love is undefeated. I never thought i’d fall in love, but i did and i fell hard and i really would like it if he could be the same page.

[April Masini]

I’m sorry you’re upset. 😳 It’s really tough when two people make a relationship work, and then one decides to end it. Before I comment on whether or not you can earn this back, fill me in a little more. For instance, how old are you both? Was this an “in person” relationship? Or an online only relationship? Also, you mentioned that he started acting distant a couple of months ago — was there anything else between you that changed?

Fill me in and I’ll write more.

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[ali03]

Were both 19 years old and this was an in person relationship. We both went to the same highschool and now we both go to the same university, in fact we even took two classes together as were are in the same program of study. Not only that, but we both live around the same Neighborhood and his parents knew of us two as well, so i had met them a couple of times as he had invited me to a family event or two. We used to go to the gym together too.

Not that i really recall of anything changing between us two exactly, it was just more of his lack of attention towards the relationship itself and myself as he became a little closed off which put more a bigger influence in how we both started reacting towards each other. Every time, we would meet or hang out, i just felt like he wasn’t so into it as much as he used to be, nor would our conversations be as deep as before and he wouldn’t care to tell me things that he’d normally tell me. As i said before, he mentioned “its not me, im just not feeling it no more”. So with response to that, as i started trying more and questioning him once or twice about if he was okay, i think he took me as a little to clingy but that was only because i got a little concerned as to where these actions would lead to.

With regards to the relationship itself, from what i recall, we have not cheated on each other, nor seen anyone else. At this point after the breakup, im just a little unsure on his side now. He would always tell me he was so intrigued by other women and we would joke around, and i think that not only because he has started working out a lot now, he feels like he can get any girl in the world because his “masculinity” kicked more into place. He would at random times tell me how some girl complimented him saying his body has gotten so huge, or this and that. Oh, that reminds me, after our break as things were still not going so steady, we had a little conversation where he mentioned an example of something like you can’t just admire your own car, it gets old, thats when you start admiring other’s too and another one was something like, if i gave you a barbie doll and you got tired of it and wanted a new toy to play with, wouldn’t you get a new one? or something of that sort and so he related this to the relationship itself. So now he claims to not feel the same way as i feel, and how he can’t keep it going on if he doesn’t feel the love and doesn’t want to be in a relationship at this point in his life because he wants to be alone. Apparently, he told me how he got back with me after the break because he felt bad, so i don’t know where that came from but yeah nor does he want to see me in person or hear from me.

It’s a little complicated, because here i am, on the total opposite side, I didn’t even think of the relationship in any different way, nor did i feel any different in terms of my feelings. I really love this man and im head over heels for him but i just don’t understand how to get to him in a way in which i could understand him, and he could understand me and at this point, i really feel my emotions getting out of control because i just want things to be normal again and for the love to be there again from his side.

[ali03]

One more thing to mention, im actually certain he isn’t with anyone else in his life. Also, our group of friends are the same too.

[April Masini]

Got it. Thank you for filling in the blanks. 🙂

It sounds like he’s 19 years old, and he wants more experience with dating and being with other women. As much as that may hurt you, it’s actually pretty normal for most guys, especially those who have been with one woman for two or three years. This isn’t about you — he just wants to, as he said himself, experience more of the world.

I know you want to “earn” him back, but this isn’t going to be that easy. He isn’t rejecting you as much he’s rejecting being in a relationship at age 19. So, no matter what you did differently, the fact that being with you would mean being a relationship, which is what he doesn’t want with you right now, would stay the same.

My advice is to grieve the relationship and move on. You may find that a different guy, or one who’s older or more mature, may not feel the need to sow his oats and experience the world as much as this guy does.

I hope that helps, and that you feel better soon.

Please let me know if you have any more questions.

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[kai]

Most 19 year old guys don’t want an exclusive relationship. Now is the time they are having fun and experimenting with different girls and determining what they like and don’t like. If you want an exclusive relationship probably better to look for an older guy.

[April Masini]

Great advice!

[Author]

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