How do I get my ex back after sleeping with him

[confused1978]

My ex and I had been together for one year. He ended our relationship because he said he no longer wanted to be in a relationship. Then one week later out of the blue he called me and wanted to come over. I was happy to see him. He brought a bottle of wine and we were just drinking and talking about not too much of anything. The next thing I know the alcohol took over and we ended up having the wildest sex ever. It had been about a month since the both of us had been with each other anyway. It was late so he ended up leaving and after we realized what we did and we said we would take things slow. The next day he calls me and says he wants to talk. We met for dinner and drinks and he then told me that we are still not in a relationship and he still doesn’t want one but he does however want to spend time with me and maybe if we sleep together then okay. He however wasn’t all gun hoe about the sleeping together as this is why he chose to meet for drinks so it wouldn’t happen again. I told him that I could not sleep with him if we were not together. In my drunken stupor I thought we were having make-up sex but later after being sober realized this was not the case at all. Anyway we parted and he still told me that he really wanted me to consider this because he could not be in a relationship right now because he knows he may not want to get married for a couple of years. He said he was afraid to keep me tied down but really truly cared for me. He said marriage could happen but he couldn’t make any promises and he didn’t want me to waste my time with him. I told him I just wanted to be with him marriage or not. Anyway, this man is still stuck on this and I am wondering if he is just testing the waters with this “no strings attached” relationship as I know he would be highly upset if I was with someone else and would not want to sleep with me. He wouldn’t be able to do it and has voiced this as well. What do I do? How do I win this man back so we can have the wonderful relationship we had before he got all freaked out about us being together for a year in such a wonderful relationship and was worried that now after a year I would want nothing more than to tie him down? Help?

[April Masini]

First of all, I’m very glad to help you, but for future, please post any relationship issues in the Q&A Forum where you’ll get more attention from other readers and more attention from me, too! 😀

But since you’re here, and so am I, here’s my answer to your question:

Your ex-boyfriend is being very, very clear with you, but you’re not hearing him [i]or[/i] paying attention to his behavior. You want him back, and you’re letting your feelings trick your brain into thinking that there’s a way he doesn’t mean what he says! 😕

When your ex-boyfriend showed up at your house with a bottle of wine one week after your break up, he was making a full on [b]booty call[/b]! He orchestrated a night of ex-sex, and that was that. Since the sex was good, he wants more — sex! Not a relationship — just the sex. 😮 He couldn’t be more clear when he says he doesn’t want to tie you down; he doesn’t want a relationship now; he may not be ready to marry for at least a few years.

I don’t think you can win him back. He’s made that clear. But…if you want to win [i]yourself[/i] back, then consider the ex-sex for what it was — a one night stand with your ex. [b]Now[/b], it’s time to move on and not waste any more of your life with someone who isn’t going to be [i]your[/i] Mr. Right.

Break ups are difficult, and he’s making it tougher by dangling sex in front of you, knowing you want all of him, but hoping you’re weak enough to settle for a small part of him (no pun intended! 😉 ). But y[i]ou have the strength[/i] to know you deserve more than that! Sex isn’t that hard to get — but a relationship with someone who wants intimacy, companionship, true love and a future together, as well as sex — is more of a challenge. It’s also [b]a lot[/b] more rewarding. So consider yourself the prize that you are, and find someone who wants that prize enough to make you his and make himself yours. Don’t be the booby prize by throwing yourself at any guy who isn’t offering you his whole self, in return.

Find Mr. Right — your ex is not that guy.

[Anonymous]

Is it true that he only wants sex? We still talk everyday and he doesn’t even try to have sex with me. He actually refused to come over my house because he doesn’t want it to happen. He is still talking and chatting and wants to take me out. This is why I am confused. He did like the sex he admits that but he said he wants to steer away from that. He also said that he thought about what I said after we broke up that he didn’t take the time to get to know me in the relationship. Now he actually seems like he is really trying to and doesn’t try to have sex with me at all. Actually, I have to admit that when we did have sex it was all my fault. I had too much to drink and was all over him. He was really pushing me off and saying he thought it was a bad idea but in my haze of alcohol bliss I kept kissing on him and he eventually gave in, this is why I think he still likes me. He actually told me that he does but he doesn’t know when he will marry and he fears that it isn’t fair to me to continue even thought he still wants to be with me. He said he has had considered doing things for me that he hasn’t for any other woman. So this is why I don’t think its all about the sex.

What do you think?

[April Masini]

I think you’re trying to fool yourself out of reality and you’re wasting your time with this guy. He dated you for an [i]entire year[/i], and then broke up with you because he didn’t want a relationship. [i][b]Now[/b][/i] he wants to get to know you? 😯

[i]Now[/i], after a full year of dating, he suddenly says he is considering doing things for you he hasn’t for any other woman? [i][b]Now?![/b][/i] He’s [i][b]considering[/b][/i] it?!

Don’t waste another minute with this guy. Get my book, Think & Date Like A Man, and read it, so you can better understand how to get what you want in a relationship, not waste time, and weed out men who are full of baloney from the ones who are ready to truly be with you in every way.

[Steve]

Have you ever made an impulse buy only to find out later that you really don’t like it? Say for example you buy a new pair of shoes for $200…they’re a little different than your normal style, but something excites you about them in the moment and you buy ‘em. A week later you have an opportunity to wear them out only to realize that you really don’t like them as much as you thought…they don’t really suit your style and they don’t go with anything else you have, but what do we normally do in that circumstance? We try to make ourselves like them…after all we’ve now made such an investment, we had better get something out of it. Even though theirs something uncomfortable about them, we tell ourselves that really they are exactly what we want…it’s just a matter of getting used to them. So, we wear the shoes out and end up feeling uncomfortable and self-conscious all night, constantly trying to justify that the shoes were a wise purchase.

I know this analogy is a bit of a stretch, but it has been my observation reading many of the posts on this site as well as some of my own past relationships that we all do this from time-to-time in relationships. Even though we know that a relationship may not be the right one, we just feel like we’ve got so much invested and don’t want to start over that we try to justify that the relationship is better than it is…I did this for 8 years of marriage…I don’t regret it as it was a great learning experience and I’m still young and know that my future relationships will be better because of it.

Anyway, the above post caused me to think about this and just thought I’d share.

[April Masini]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you. 😉

[Author]

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