How do I prove to her that I deserve a 2nd chance?

[jbgone239]

I’ve known this girl for almost 5 years. We were never really good friends but we got along great. We finally went out on a couple dates recently and I thought things were going well. Her sisters threw her a birthday party at their apartment in the city and I was invited among many others. When I got there i soon realized that her ex was there as well. They had been together for years and had only broken up in the last 6 months, I didn’t know what to do or say. I got the impression she didn’t want to talk to me and that made me upset, I was wrong in assuming that, she wanted me there. I drank way too much and got completely blackout drunk. I was told the following day that I embarrassed her in front of everyone with my actions. Apparently I grabbed a girl on the ass. Then when we all went out to a bar and I danced with this girl’s best friend, and by dancing I mean grinding on her and dancing provocatively. Not only that but I ignored the girl I like because I was under the impression that with her ex there it was over between us. I was wrong. She was incredibly hurt by my actions, as she should be, and was embarrassed to even know me. When I found out what I did I called her to talk about it. She basically told me that she knows she isn’t a perfect person but that she would NEVER do that to someone she cared about. I apologized so many times and told her that I’m not like this. She’s known me for 5 years and she even told me that she has never seen me like that before. I kept telling her how ashamed I am and how it was one mistake on one night, and that I am not that kind of guy and I never will be. Needless to say she is upset. She told me she doesn’t hate me but she doesn’t feel the same way about me. We have hung out a couple times since with our group of mutual friends and she seems fine, we joke around and talk just like we used to. On saturday night I dropped her off last and we talked awhile. She told me that she thought of me as a guy who would protect her from anything, a guy who would make her laugh when she was sad, the kind of guy who would make her happy no matter what. I got very emotional from what she said, because I can see how much I let her down. I regret everything I did and I feel so ashamed of myself as it is, but after our talk I felt even worse. WE both got emotional and she told me that she feels as if she would have no self-respect if we were to date again. I told her to just tell me if there was no hope for us to date again but she told that was not the case. She even got upset because she felt bad that I was taking it so hard. She even tried to get me to smile cause she didn’t want to see me upset. We ened up joking around for the last ten minutes of our conversation. She said that we are still friends and that she can’t say anything else for now. What do I do? What should I expect going forward? I really like her and I think she still likes me but she feels pressure from her sisters to keep her distance from me because they only know me from that one night. You thoughts, opinions and advice would be greatly appreciated.

[April Masini]

You have a deeper problem that reared it’s head at her party and I don’t for a minute believe that this is the first time you’ve done something like this. When you perceived that you had competition for your girlfriend in her ex-boyfriend, who was invited to her party, you felt fear of rejection that was so great you numbed the feeling by getting blind drunk and behaving terribly. There is a part of you that is so protective of yourself and so afraid of uncomfortable feelings that you’d rather get rip roaring drunk to numb those feelings than instead, talk to your girlfriend and find out if she was just friends with her ex, or if there was more. This fear of yours and more importantly, your reaction to your fear is a problem you have to deal with. If you don’t, it will follow you around from relationship to relationship. This isn’t about your girlfriend or your ex-girlfriend. This is about you.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to slowly deal with this problem of yours by testing yourself in social situations and being aware of your feelings, and then staying with them when they’re uncomfortable — without resorting to substances or other numbing behaviors. This is easier said than done — but it is doable with patience, discipline and a desire to improve on yourself.

You’ve blown it with this girl, but you need to be more concerned about your future with anyone you’re dating. Focus on you and this problem before you start looking at having a relationship.

[jbgone239]

I think you are right, I have to deal with my emotions in a different way. This is not the first time I have went out drinking because I was upset about something in my life, but this is the first time I have ever gotten that drunk, and it is certainly the first time I ever touched a girl in an inappropriate way. It’s weird because this girl I like is not my girl friend. She made it very clear that we were just hanging out and seeing what happens. The fact is that a few months ago we went out on a couple dates and I thought everything was going great then as well. But then she started acting weird. She never said anything. So I approached her about it and she told me she was not over her ex and that she couldn’t keep dating me while she still had these feelings for him. So when I saw him at the party this past week, with her telling me that we were just hanging out and not putting a title on anything, it made me think that she was feeling that same way she did before. There are tons of ways I could have reacted and I chose the wrong one. But I was already burned by this once before, how could anyone blame me for thinking the same thing yet again. My behavior was inexcusable and wrong. That is a fact and it can’t be defended. However, I feel like she still likes me and that is why she wants to remain friends. I feel like because it all happened in front of her friends and sisters that she feels as if she has no choice but to keep her distance for the time being. I don’t want to have false hope for anything but do you really believe I have blown it completely? This girl has known me for 5 years, she said she has never seen me like this, she knows the kind of guy I am and she wants to stay friends. I just feel like she wants to keep me close for now while she gives it time. What do you think April?

[April Masini]

Your honesty about your behavior and your take on things is heartening and bodes well for your future. 🙂 That this is the first time you have gotten this drunk doesn’t mean it won’t happen again. In fact alcoholism is a progressive disease, so if you have a tendency towards alcoholism or any addictive behavior, it would make sense that you got drunker this time than before and that you’re on a downward trajectory.

That said, your honesty and desire to change your behavior can right your wrongs. 😉 But desire isn’t enough. You have to do things differently from now on.

So while I give you advice on your relationship, I really want you to take care of yourself because that self of yours is going to follow you around from relationship to relationship — romantic, career, family and friendship.

Your take on this ex-girlfriend still being interested in her ex-boyfriend is accurate. Her acting weird, not saying anything clear to you to alleviate your anxiety — this is all her stuff and she doesn’t owe you any explanations, but understand that she may be in the process of figuring out what she wants to do next. You can’t expect her to jump to decisions (although some people do) without undergoing her own, personal process. Her process is clunky for her and more so for you. But again, that’s life and you’ll find that with anyone you’re with. People do things and make decisions differently from each other.

I don’t know that you’ve blown it completely and I can’t give you a black and white answer on that question — although I know that a quick yes or no would make you feel more comfortable. You’re going to have to find a way to sit with uncertainty — without drinking! 😉 You definitely did a lot of damage, but you have some history together, and what you do next, each day, one step at a time, will give her a chance to see more of you and make her own decision.

I know it’s not black and white and that’s awkward for you, but try to deal with the fact that relationships are a process and you are where you are in this one. Today! 🙂

[jbgone239]

I appreciate the fact that you don’t try and BS anything. I know that a clear cut answer to my problem would be ideal but you make a great point in saying that it is a process. I have done a lot of damage and I’ve done things that can’t be undone. All I can do is control my behavior going forward. I’m hopeful and optimisitc for the future. I think she knows the kind of person I am and although the wound is still fresh and she won’t admit it just yet, I know that she knows that it was just a big huge mistake one time in my life. Nobody is perfect and people do screw up, some bigger then others. As long as I can learn from this I know that going forward I will be able to forgive my own actions at some point. Just not knowing where you stand is hard but I know I can get through it. Now I know what it feels like to truly feel horrible about myself and my behavior. Even more importantly I know how it feels to hurt someone I care about deeply, And I never want to live with the knowledge that I’ve done either ever again. It’s one thing to hurt yourself but it is 1000x worse when you do it to someone you care about. Thank you for your perspective on the situation, I took your advice to heart and I hope that in due time I will be able to change and deal with my problems in a much more appropriate and mature manner.

[April Masini]

You sound very grounded and steady. That’s a great place for you to be to start earning your second chance. Good luck! 😀

[martine4161]

Let me clear everything with you. You have done all the things because you are upset that she have boyfriend and now she is happy with him. Actually what ever you have done but now you have to clear all the thing with her and tell her true that you like her and all the feelings about her. If she loves you then she will admit otherwise leave it on the luck.

[April Masini]

Admitting feelings is great, but behavior and changing behavior is crucial here. Mistakes are not as important as what someone who’s made one does next. So clean up the mess and use this opportunity to become a better person.

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