[missai2b112]

Just a couple months ago.. I found out my fiance was cheating on me for the first 6 months we were together. When I met him… I thought he was the greatest thing in the world. so, when it was time for me to leave for basic training, I changed my mind, and didn’t go for him. I left home to ny 2 weeks before he left for Iraq.

I was a mess without him.. I did whatever it took to keep my mind off of him being away.. I picked up 2 jobs, saved money.. and soon found out I was pregnant.. When he finally got home 6 months later, it was one of those fairytale moments.. when we saw eachother for the first time in a while.. crying, hugging, and just so happy to be back in eachother’s arms.. well., it was all a lie. A couple months ago, he had left his myspace up, and so I decided to be snoopy and look. I wish I hadnt..

I found messages from him and this other girl, that he had been having sex with THE WHOLE TIME before he left for Iraq. I was staying with him at the time.. and he would go see her before he would come back to me..
Then while he was in Iraq.. he called her.. and wrote messages to her telling her he loved her, and they would talk about me and what he was going to “do” about me when he got home. Talk about hurt.. this was just in july that he stopped talking to her. So It wasnt that long ago, and I feel so hurt, and so decieved. especially because I changed my life for him, I loved him so much, he proposed to me before he had deployed, and it was a joke. the whole relationship was a joke.

Now we’re having a hard time, because not only do we have a baby, but we have all this stuff going on. and I don’t trust him at all. He doesn’t understand why I can’t forgive him, he tells me he wont do it again.. but 6 weeks before our son was born he had called her.. After he KNEW it bothered me.. and I didn’t want him talking to her at all.. so it just shows me he doesn’t care how I feel.. or he wouldn’t do this right?

thats not the end of it..

I decided to give him another chance.. but wanted to test him to see if he would really cheat on me or not. so I made up some random girl, and texted him from another number. He fell for it completely.. and ended up inviting this girl to OUR house, and talked about not wanting me to catch him. When I finally told him it was me.. he sat there and said he knew it was me the whole time, and was mad so he went with it. That makes NO sense. If a normal guy was to think his fiance was playing with him.. he would say all the right stuff so I wouldn’t think he would cheat.. right?

I dont know what to do.. I want to work things out with him.. but I cant get the image of him and that girl out of my mind. I think about it all the time.. Im so hurt, I wont even let him touch me, or kiss me. I can’t even look at him without getting a sick feeling in my stomach.. Im often in bad moods towards him because Ive been up the whole night before, thinking about all the words he said to her.. and what they did together.. Should I leave and move on? Or give this relationship another chance?

[April Masini]

Sadly, I think you already did give your relationship a chance, and he’s proved himself to be a disloyal guy who puts his own feelings ahead of yours or that of the relationship, which is now a family. He’s not just cheating on you — he’s cheating on his baby’s mother. One day your child is going to be very upset to learn that the reason his or her parents aren’t together is because dad wasn’t faithful. All kids want their parents together, and you have more than just you to worry about right now. You have a child.

So the answer is that it’s time for you to move on. This guy is not going to make you feel secure and you deserve that. Even if you have to be alone and suffer the anxiety that being alone can bring, it’s a lot better than being with someone who is chronically not faithful.

There are times when you can forgive someone who cheats, but this isn’t one of them. This isn’t a one time thing or something that happened because of a miscommunication between the two of you. This is pretty simple, and so is my advice. Break up with this guy, get an order for child support and set up a visitation schedule so your child can spend time bonding with his or her father, and you can catch a bit of a break when the baby’s with dad.

Your heart will be broken for a while, but you will heal, and you will go on to find true love with someone worthy of you. This guy is not.

[missai2b112]

What if he trys to take the baby? Even if I wanted to leave I couldn’t right now.. hes made sure I have no money, no job and no car.. I have no where to go right now either.. so basically Im stuck living here with him until I figure out what to do.. what do I say to him? how to I tell someone I love that I can’t be with them anymore?

[April Masini]

First of all, your fiance can’t “take” your baby. That’s called kidnapping and it’s against the law, and if he “takes” the baby, you call the police and report a kidnapping.

So if you do decide to break up with him, you need to file a custody and child support order with the court which gives you your legal rights and responsibilities to the baby, and defines his as well. That’s very important.

Second of all, it’s not fair to blame him because you have no job, car or home other than what he provides. You’re not a victim. You can collect child support from him at any second since you’re not married — but you do have to file with the court to do this. You can also set up a visitation schedule whereby he gets time with the baby and that time frees you up to get out and get a job!

Third, you can ask him to move out since you don’t have a job or a way of supporting yourself. If he’s a good guy, he’ll want the mother of his child to be able to be a good parent, and providing you with a roof over your head, at the very least, until you can get back on your feet, is what he should do. But he’s already shown you that he puts himself first, so I doubt he’s going to agree to this — but it never hurts to ask.

If he kicks you out, or won’t leave, you can stay with a relative or a friend until you get on your feet and are able to support yourself, that would be ideal. If you’re completely broke, there are shelters for women and children, and you can consult your local church or city government for these types of resources.

So, that’s the practical advice. As for the emotional advice, in answer to your question, “How to tell someone I love that I can’t be with them anymore?” [i]just do it! [/i]Tell him that you love him, but that you don’t want to live with him any more because it is too demoralizing for you to be with him given your history together. Ideally, he’ll accept your decision and want to work out a child support and visitation schedule with you, as co-parents. If he doesn’t, you’re on your own.

If you’ve truly decided to move on, then this all shouldn’t be impossible. But it sounds like you’re not quite ready. If you do decide to stay, count on the same behavior from him, and a deeper depression for you. Eventually you’ll hit your bottom and decide you want out.

I hope that helps!

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