How to know what this guy wants with me

[christina4sg]

I just wanted to share with you something that happened to me recently, something that gave satisfaction at some point, but I’ve been wondering some questions ever since.
Well there is this guy I like. I would probably say I meet him from Facebook but it’s not quite the truth cause our families have been knowing each other from long ago. We just saw each other recently and was a first sight “sympathy”. I am 22 and he is 25
We went out on a date, and had a really great time together. Got to know a bit from each other and enjoyed it. He was almost my favorite kind of guy. I have to say that my last relationship was before two years. (Long time I know)
Well after first date we used to talk a lot for a while, also meet again and everything was going great. When suddenly he stopped writing to me. Worst days ever. I thought he didn’t want to see me again but instead of quitting I wrote him again and got some spontaneous answers, for example: “haven’t been around in the city”. Anyway! After a month, I think, he wrote me again, like nothing ever happened. I answered his text and was really excited but tried not to show my emotions. Let’s say I became a bit harsh, not an easy girl. I wanted him to know that he made a mistake and he had to fix that. People can’t disappear like that. So we talked for like two more days, he said he had been missing me and called me by sweet words, but no hang out. After that came another month of no writing, another month of self questions!
But of course he would write again. And here he is. He texted me again, by calling me baby, darling, again he had been missing me and said that he had been studying for some exams thats why he didn’t wrote me. Now he has disappeared again.
I really don’t get this kind of situation! And cant stand it. He writes me and doesn’t ask to meet me. Then how is it possible he misses me?!
Well it came in mind that he might have another girl in his life, but still don’t get it, what he wants from me.
I’m looking forward for your opinion cause it’s easier to judge from the outside. Any help would be greatly appreciated and very anxious to get an answer from you.

[April Masini]

Instead of asking what he wants from you — you should ask what you want from him! He’s not really doing anything wrong at all. The problem is that you want a commitment from him. He’s not giving you one. And instead of accepting that, you’re creating a question about him — and you should really ask why you are interested in a guy who’s not really into a commitment.

A great rule of thumb that works is to use the first three months of actually dating someone to decide if you want to continue dating them. During this time you should assume that he’s dating other people and he should assume the same about you. It’s way too early to think about commitment. You’re just getting to know each other! Then, if you’re both still game, use the next three months to decide if you want to be monogamous.

The problem in your situation is that you’re trying to speed things up. Relax and get to know who he is — and if you don’t like who he is, decide whether to stay with him or move on. It sounds like he likes the attention you give him, but that you want more. If it’s not enough for you….. next!

[christina4sg]

Thank u so much for your reply! I really appreciate it. Maybe it’s true that I’m kind of rushing things up. I just wanted to highlight the fact that we just dated the first month and after that he used to write once in a month for two more months. During this time I never texted him first, just replied his texts. Do you think this might be a reason why he doesnt write more? Maybe he thinks I’m not intrested or smth like that. You think I should make a move forward and text him?
Thank u again April.

[April Masini]

Those are great questions. You did a smart thing by not texting him first, and letting him be the one to chase you. It’s a good way to gauge his interest in you. It may be disappointing, but it’s clear, and at the end of the day, clarity is what allows you to make smart decisions for your life. So good for you! That said…. when you have contact with him, it’s important to give him something chase after, and to get him to want more and to want to come back and get more. That’s where flirting comes in. When you flirt with a guy you’re sending him social cues that you’re interested in him, and while guys love the chase, they do love knowing there’s something to chase after, and your flirting is that clue to the guy.

So, since you’re there and I’m not, you have to figure out if he’s not responding the way you want him to because you’re not giving him enough of an idea that you’re interested in him by flirting — or because he’s simply playing the field and you’re just a part of that field, or he’s not that interested. That’s where you good judgment and experience will come into play.

Let me know how it goes.

[christina4sg]

Okay that helped a lot. Still I’m gonna wait him to text first and try putting into practice my flirting skills! But something deep in me says I should not respond him back anymore. He doesn’t deserve it!
Anyway Hope it won’t take another month for him to text again 😛 whether I respond or not.
Sure I’ll let u know.
Best wishings April.

[April Masini]

You sound like you’re angry that he hasn’t responded. And while I completely understand why you feel that way, your anger is going to come out in your communication with him, when he finally does contact you — and thats not going to move things forward. So, figure out why you’re angry since he hasn’t done anything wrong — he just hasn’t done what you wanted him to. I think you should focus on other guys and play the field so that you don’t feel like he’s holding all the cards and you’re waiting around for him to call you. When you’ve got a full life going on, and other guys giving you attention and vice verse, you won’t really care so much that he does or doesn’t call you — and if he does, you won’t be angry because you won’t be disappointed.

[christina4sg]

Yes I’m angry! I’m sorry but I’ve skipped the fact that he has kissed me. In this case i think things are beyond flirting. And now comes his attitude that I don’t get. Is it this difficult to tell a girl I don’t wanna talk to you anymore? It’s not right to keep a girl making illusions. Anyone in my place would make illusions. Anyway I wouldn’t do something like that to a guy, maybe thats the reason why I’m geting so involved in this situation.
But I swear I don’t understand man!

[April Masini]

I hear you when you say you don’t understand men — and I’d like to help you understand them! It’s worth the energy and time to try and understand them – especially if you want to be in a relationship with one of them! So let’s start with the kids! I know you feel that because he kissed you he owes you something, but it’s not really the way most people operate. And it’s not how men operate. A kiss is an expression of a feeling — it’s not a commitment. And people change their minds, especially in the first few months of dating. So if you can understand that and accept that there are different ways of looking at why people kiss, and what it means to them, you won’t impose your own values on him — you’ll consider the possibility that he’s different and he has a different outlook on things.

As for his being clear with you — same thing goes — he is being clear — but he’s not doing the things the way you want him to. This is where men and women are different. And if you’re with a guy who says one thing and does another, trust his behavior, over his words.

I hope this helps. I know it’s a lot to process, but I hope you will.

[christina4sg]

Trusting his behavior over his word means I should let go the idea of being with him someday, and actually thats what I’m trying to do.
Actions are what matter, and if he says he misses me but does nothing to change that, it means stop caring about him.

Thanks April really great pleasure to read your replies!

[April Masini]

I think you’ve got it. Now, you just have to absorb it, and practice it.

[christina4sg]

Hi April, it’s me again! I know it’s been a while since our last conversation, but I’m hoping you’ll give a quick look to the previous texts.

Well this guy has been writing me again, over and over. This month he has written me thrice and that’s WOW! As he used to write me once in a month. Anyway that’s not what matters. The matter is that he lets me to understand that he wants something with me. I’m not quite sure what that thing is as he is so unreadable. I’m gonna tell u a part of our last conversation so I can describe better the situation. He thinks I’m shy, and i told him he’s wrong about that. But he kept insisting and so I challenged him. Now he wants to see me, and asked me to tell him when I was available and he would come. I told him: “Will see. I’ll let u know.” He answered: “Dont waste time.” I asked him: “Why? U will find someone else?” And he answered: “We’ll let things cool down and thats not good.” And i said he could wait a few more days, so he answered: “For u I’ll try. See I’m a good guy.”
Actually I haven’t asked him to meet yet. It’s not the problem that I’m not available. I’m always available, I’m just avoiding this because I don’t know what to do. I’m dying to meet him, see him, it’s just that I don’t wanna get hurt. What if he just wants something adventurous with me and that’s all?! I want to have him in front of me and figure out what he really feels for me and what he wants. I have so much things to ask him (things that I’m sure, I wont ask him if we meet. Don’t want to look like a depressed girl).

Please help me. Should I write him for an appointment?
Looking forward for your reply.

[April Masini]

You’re sabotaging the relationship! 😮 First you were upset he didn’t ask you out a second time. Now, when he does, you tell him you’ll have to see, and when he says he doesn’t want to waste time — which is what I thought you wanted, also — you were a little insulting to him! 🙁 I completely understand that you’re fearful and sometimes people who are fearful sabotage and cause things to fail so they don’t have to be rejected or face their discomfort. 😳 Now that you know that’s what happened, I think you should write him back and tell him that you’d love to see him. Practice flirting, and being complimentary, like we talked about earlier, and understand that it’s okay to be nervous, but try to focus on what you want so you don’t cut it off before it gets a chance to evolve! 😉

[caseyghatchell]

You’re very serious about that boy. That’s good but you should also need to learn flirting. It’s important to say sweet things to your boyfriend, so that he become excited to talk with you most time. All time saying serious talking is not works anymore, you should try to add fun behavior in your writing tone. And don’t pretend to be a tough to girl to get, just be the perfect girl to take correct decision at the right time.

[April Masini]

Interesting advice! 😀

[caseyghatchell]

[quote=”April Masini”]Interesting advice! 😀[/quote]

😎

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