I am quite confused

[Kat]

Dear April,
I am not quite sure what to do at this point in my relationship, and I am sorry that I have to bring this to you, but I cant talk to any of my friends or family members about it because they are very biased.

I am having a hard time in my relationship. I have been dating this guy for a year, off and on. I have broken up with him five times, and then gotten back together. He means the world to me, but it gets really hard sometimes. I am 18 years old and he is 21. I met him in high school, we had a class together.

He takes things at a very,very fast pace, one that I feel I am not ready for. I have a certain pace that I have to go, but I cant go my pace in this relationship, because he is very insecure, and any rift from me sets him on this self blame, guilt path, that then leads to him being short with me, and getting upset and nit picking the smallest things, all the time. Like not wearing the promise ring he gave me, because I have to work and im not allowed to wear it. There is nothing I can do to help the situation, but I am still in trouble for it. Like how a lot of my friends dont like him because they think he is controlling and insecure, he doesnt like how they judge him without knowing him, and he gets upset at me for it. He is getting A LOT better then he use to be, but it is still hard to deal with. He wants to get married within the next two years, and we have been in a long distance relationship for four months. Im not ready to be married, but if i tell him that, then that means I dont love him (according to him) which is not true at all. I love him so much, more then I have ever loved anyone. So despite not being ready, I do a lot of things that I dont want to do or that I am not ready for, in order to show him that I really do love him, and that I really am trying to make this work.

When he is not being insecure and paranoid and depressed, he is wonderful, fun, amazing. The guy of my dreams. But there is a part of me, that I have tried over and over again to silence, that says, there is a whole wide world out there, why waste your life on this pointless drama, why be caught in it for the rest of your life when you could travel? But I promised him that I would never leave him again.

And its not all him, it is me too. Him and I think very differently, he is very dependent, I am very independent, so I try to force my Independence and need for space aside so that I can help him not be so insecure, but I can only hold it back for so long, and then I freak out, and need space, which makes him freak out and think I am leaving him. And I tend to make things into a bigger deal then they really are. So, is this all normal? This relationship? Am I a bad person for having such a hard time trying to keep it and myself afloat?

The bottom line is I want to leave, but I want to stay. So how do you chose what you want, when what you want contradicts itself?

[Anonymous]

So last night I was talking with my boyfriend, and he was very stressed out. I told him I would call him on the way home, when I walked home from work. I got off at nine, but its a new job so my boss had to keep me a little later to show me things, then my grandpa randomly showed up to drive me home, so I grabbed my stuff and I figured, its only like five mins away driving, I can just call him when I get home. So the second I walked into the door I called him. I apologized for not being able to talk right at nine and I told him about my boss and about my grandpa coming to pick me up. He got really frustrated with me, and he told me that I should have texted him when I got in the car to tell him that I was going to call when I got home. I explained to him that work was only a five min drive from home, so I figured there would really be no point in texting him once and then calling him five mins later. I really didnt think it was that big of a deal. But he drilled and drilled me for it for about thirty mins. He then made me promise that I would text him next time that happened.

Then he started nit picking things about my friend, he had logged onto my facebook and looked at my messages. He said it was an accident, but how can you accidentally click on messages, then page two, then that particular message? I want to believe him, but it seems like a stretch. Anyways, I forgave him for that. But in the message I had told my friend that my boyfriend asked me to marry him (because he did) and my friend reacted very negatively and said you better not! He then expressed how he thought my boyfriend was manipulative and controlling. I got upset and told him it was my choice, and that he didnt know my boyfriend so he shouldnt say such things. But I thanked him for his concern.

So my boyfriend reads all of this then he sends me a message telling me that him and I need to talk, right now. Because this, was not, ok. At all. So I called him, and he proceeded to get upset about this, and I told him it wansnt my fault what my friend felt, and he told me to send my friend a message telling him all the ways that I messed up in the relationship and how my bf really is wonderful (which he is, it just gets hard when he acts like this) and beg him to add him and get to know him. So I did that. My friend said that my by had one more chance and that he better not F it up. My bf made me repeat that to him word for word, so i did but I didnt tell him the rest of the message because I dont like the way he treats me when he gets upset. He asked if there was more and I said no. And then he got all upset that I didnt defend him at all after my friend said that, then he ordered me to send my friend a message defending him. Then he asked again if there was anything, and I felt bad about lying to him so I said there was but I was not comfortable with telling him. Then he got upset, and said, im sorry that you dont feel like you can trust me, and then I felt really bad and emotionally closed down and shut him out.

I asked him if I could go to bed, he said not yet. He kept me on the phone for another hour or so. By the end of the conversation he realized that he was overreacting, he said sorry for it, and he said he thinks he does it as a way to defend himself, and I need to be stronger, and more stubborn so that I dont let his words affect me and so that I can tell him when he is doing it.

Did I overreact to this situation? Am I the one creating these problems by not being able to be strong enough to not let his words and his anger affect me? Is that fair of him to ask? Would doing these things really work? Or this relationship too messed up to try and fight through? He gets this way when he is stressed out, or upset about something (even if it doesnt have to do with me) he lets it out on me. He is getting better at realizing it and saying sorry for it. But with the phone thing, he asked me to say sorry to him for not texting him when I got in the car, is this reasonable? Should I have texted him? I just dont know anymore.. was it/is it me? I know its both of us, but everything seems so blurred.

I am so sorry that this is so long 😕

[womenknowledge]

Hi my name’s prince and I’m new member on here. Relationship as you know is a two ways street. When you’re in a relationship it all about negotiation and not just about one person. It has be a win-win situation. The kind language you use is very important how your partner will response to your need. One of the mistake people make is getting their family and friends involve when seeking advice on relationship you don’t want to do that, but only if the advice you’re getting will benefit you in solving your problem. Communication is also important between your and your partner. Instead of first talking to friends and families for assistant, you have sit have a normal conversation about where this relationship is heading. Be relax and no blaming each. Don’t focus on too of the wrong things but also focus on the things that are also positive in your relationship. You need to ask him what is that he really want and see if you can meet that need.

Making time for discussion and negotiation will ease lots of the tension you guys are facing right now. Do not be attached to each. “Attachment will make the person feel like relationship prison” have fun when together and even apart. You have respect each pace at which to carry on this relationship because everyone has different personality.
Make quite time for problem solving and watch your partner will start to losing up a bit.
Well hope this will help you in some way.

[womenknowledge]

Hi my name’s prince and I’m new member on here. Relationship as you know is a two ways street. When you’re in a relationship it all about negotiation and not just about one person. It has be a win-win situation. The kind language you use is very important how your partner will response to your need. One of the mistake people make is getting their family and friends involve when seeking advice on relationship you don’t want to do that, but only if the advice you’re getting will benefit you in solving your problem. Communication is also important between your and your partner. Instead of first talking to friends and families for assistant, you have sit have a normal conversation about where this relationship is heading. Be relax and no blaming each. Don’t focus on too of the wrong things but also focus on the things that are also positive in your relationship. You need to ask him what is that he really want and see if you can meet that need.

Making time for discussion and negotiation will ease lots of the tension you guys are facing right now. Do not be attached to each. “Attachment will make the person feel like relationship prison” have fun when together and even apart. You have respect each pace at which to carry on this relationship because everyone has different personality.
Make quite time for problem solving and watch your partner will start to losing up a bit.
Well hope this will help you in some way.

[April Masini]

Your boyfriend is nuts and it’s time for you to break up with him.

You wrote this line and it almost made me laugh because it’s so absurd:

[quote]When he is not being insecure and paranoid and depressed, he is wonderful, fun, amazing. The guy of my dreams.[/quote]

There’s a famous quote that goes: But how did you like the play Mrs. Lincoln? And it refers to the play that Abe Lincoln and his wife were attending when he was shot and killed in the theatre. The joke is that anyone would think Mrs. Lincoln cared about the play when her husband was murdered, but that they mentioned the quality of the play in spite of her husband’s assassination anyway. So when you start saying he’s the guy of your dreams — but you lose track of the fact that he’s INSECURE, PARANOID, DEPRESSED — and don’t forget CONTROLLING, you’re acting like the person telling the joke. Stop and get the big picture. This guy is not a boyfriend. He’s an emotional prison guard. Unless you’re being paid to be his social worker, you’re not getting anything healthy out of this relationship!

The real question is why you stay with someone who is so unhealthy? There is some part of you that is familiar with walking on egg shells and lying to him just so you won’t invoke his wrath. Enabling is the term that comes to mind. When someone gets angry like he does, because of his feelings, and he starts blaming you, it’s time to hang up the phone or close the door or block his e-mails.

You can do better for yourself — and that’s the understatement of this evening!

I hope that helps with your confusion. Let me know if there’s anything else I can do. And join me on Facebook. I’d love to see you at AskApril.com on Facebook as a friend! Here’s the link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=110265355684755&ref=mf[/url].

[Anonymous]

I see what you are saying but that is where my confusion lies as well. Because, every relationship is going to have its ups and downs, no one is perfect, so is what you are saying really bad? He isnt perfect, I dont expect him to be. Is this not a normal relationship?

[Fridaykaye26]

I read as far as not being aloud, at work, to wear the promise ring he gave you which causes arguments. I had to stop and reply my thought on that before I forgot!

Why not wear the ring on a chain around your neck? That way you still have it on you.

[Anonymous]

i thought bout that as well but im not allowed to wear a necklace either, so to stop the arguing i told him i would draw it on my finger haha it was kinda silly

[April Masini]

I do my best to advise you reading these posts, but the truth is we haven’t sat down in a room together, so when you tell me he’s neurotic, depressed and controlling, I take you at your word, and I assume you’ve had a normal life yourself, and therefore, if you really mean what you wrote, then I can [i]assure[/i] you that you can do better. However, if you’re used to lots of uber neurotic, depressive controlling men, well, then maybe from your perspective he’s normal and these issues are just garden variety ups and downs. But I think he sounds like a bad apple and you can do a lot better. I am quite certain that even at your age of 18 years old, you can find a new man of your dreams who is NOT depressing, paranoid, neurotic and controlling. My advice is to go for it – Mr. Right is still out there.

Join me on Facebook. I’d love to have you as a member of AskApril.com on Facebook at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=110265355684755&ref=mf[/url].

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