I Don’t Quite Understand This…

[Evie]

So…this time the story is on the same guy that I had made a post titled “What Is He Thinking…?” at [url]http://www.askapril.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=857[/url]. In that post, it was clear that the guy I liked wasn’t interested.

However, this situation I’m posting is somewhat weird. We still see each other at work, talk, play video games online sometimes and go out with his friend drinking on lame Friday nights (so far two times, the second time was sometime after I made the last post). I’m getting over everything so we’re on good terms and less awkward, In addition to that, he broke up with his girlfriend mentioned in the last post (they dated for a week or so and the girl broke up with him because she wants to sleep with other guys – or so my co-worker whom he told, told me. Naturally, a few people at work knows) so things are back to the way it was before the girlfriend, except that I know he wasn’t interested. However, the weirdness starts here…

So to make it easier and for anonymity, I’m going to call the guy I liked Cedric and his friend, Ken (just throwing out random names). The first time Cedric, Ken and I went to the bars on Friday night, after a few rounds of drinking for those two (I don’t drink much, just one drink for the entire night) and heading home for the night, Ken said to find him on Facebook and add him. Seems like a cool guy and nice so I did. We don’t talk a whole lot, but one time (after Cedric got that one-week girlfriend) he sent me an IM on Facebook, just chatting, and was having another lame Friday. I was stressed out from summer school work and was having a boring Friday night so he asked if I want to hang out with him somewhere. We ended up at my on-campus apartment (waiting for my roommate to move in in a few weeks), no where else to go, just sitting and chatting about everything from Cedric to life in general while he downs half a bottle of red wine he brough over (I didn’t drink). A nice way to end a boring remaining 2 hours of Friday night. To make it clear, I’m not interested Ken or anyone else at this point. Just hanging out as friends.

About a week or two later (something like that), Cedric and I were chatting on Facebook, I mentioned that Friday night and chatting with Ken. Turned out that Ken told him about that too before I did. The reaction I got from Cedric wasn’t what I expecting. It sounded like he jumped to the conclusion that 1) Ken and I talk a lot (which we haven’t) by saying “so you guys talk a lot huh?” and 2) that I invite just about any guy over to my apartment by saying “so naturally, you invited him over”. I was kind of offended by the second statement, had the “what the hell…?” thought in my head. I don’t invite just anyone over. My first thought to that reaction was jealousy. But then I remember that he isn’t interested in me, so naturally, start to think that its something else. Something going on either between the two of them or the three of us. After that conversation, I just let the comments go and things were fine.

Until Friday afternoon yesterday, Ken sent me IM on Facebook chatting, after haven’t talked to him for a bit. I told him that Cedric asked about that Friday night at my apartment. He told me that when he told Cedric about that night chatting at my apartment, in Ken’s words “I mentioned it once that I hung out with you for two hours, that set off his radar big time for some reason”. From Ken’s point of view, Cedric is watching his own back and that Ken feels Cedric trusts no one, which makes no sense to both Ken and I. Also according to Ken, Cedric checks up on Ken on what he does, what his (Ken’s) actions are and whom Ken talks to. Ken brushes it off as it’s just Cedric being Cedric and stopped trying to understand a lot of things (his reason for being able to hang around Cedric). But I thought what Cedric did to him (the whole checking up on Ken thing) was creepy and weird. Kind of like the obsessive-posessive boyfriend, except that they weren’t dating.

I felt like I have unintentionally and unknowingly somewhat caught between them or came between them. I was just being friends with both guys, with no intention of separating the two guy’s friendship just because a girl is there. Ken thinks I was overanalyzing (him knowing that I’m a psychology/sociology major) and trying to understand something that doesn’t exist (I thought there was something going on) but I was just telling him what I was thinking of Cedric’s reaction. To me, it feels like I’m put in a situation where its like stepping on egg shells and that I can’t be friends with Ken without Cedric’s approval or without Cedric around. It just seem to me that if Cedric is not interested in me, when why does it seem to be an issue (from the reactions Ken and I both got from him) if I’m friends with his friend Ken? Maybe I’m overanalyzing? Or is my own radar malfunctioning? Or did I unknowingly landed in no-mans land or something?

It’s all weird and I just wanted to see why he would be like that. Its like holding back being friends with Ken and Ken being friends with whom he (Ken) chooses. Maybe you would have some thoughts or wisdom on this?

And by the way, April, I bought the book you recommended. Haven’t had a chance to read it yet due to summer school homework and work in general but I’ve flipped through it and it looks like a good read. I can’t wait to start reading the book after summer school is over. 🙂

[April Masini]

First of all, thank you for buying my book. Let me know if it helps and how. I have a lot of confidence that it’s going to show you some new directions in dating that you haven’t thought of yet! So tell me what you think.

As for your continuing dilemma with Cedric, and now, his friend, Ken, too, I think you [i]are[/i] overanalyzing and you’re also getting involved in drama which is just going to complicate things. Since you’re a sociology and psychology student, you may enjoy the drama and the analysis, but as a real life player in the dating game, it’s going to render you a loser!

My advice to you is to stop talking to Cedric about Ken and stop talking to Ken about Cedric. You have every right to be friends or date either one of them — or even both of them. What’s going to land you in trouble is if you create a psychological threesome, by talking to Ken about what you both think Cedric is doing and feeling, and talking to Cedric about what Ken is doing and feeling. If the subject comes up, you can change the subject or say, point blank, “Let’s talk about something else. I don’t really want to talk about Ken (or Cedric).” And leave it at that.

You’re going to have to learn to put up some boundaries with men. First of all, stop talking to each guy about the other guy. Second, don’t volunteer your apartment as a hang out pad. When Ken asks you to hang out, you can say, great, but let him invite you out somewhere. This is going to be harder than it sounds. Let him do the inviting, and plan the outing. This will help clarify the situation for both of you, although it may be hard for you to not to volunteer to do what you think is helping, by offering your place. What this does is to put them in the position of being the man in the relationship, and orchestrating the get together. It also puts you in the position of being the woman in the relationship by being the one who gets put on the pedestal (even if it’s just for a burger and a beer!) and gets taken care of by the man.

I think that both men like you, but it’s up to you to be girlfriend material and not just friend material, or Ms. Right Now material (as opposed to Ms. Right material). You are the one who is going to have to modify her behavior. There are a lot of tips my book about this dynamic. And the surprise you’re all going to find, I believe, is that the men are going to like feeling like the men, and they’re both going to want to feel that more often. And if you’re the one who makes them feel that way, then guess what? They’re going to start pursuing you — but pursuing you as the woman, not the good time girl, fill in friend when it’s a lame Friday night with nothing better to do.

[Anonymous]

i love this girl that liked me at first. we had a date had a great time kissed alot. a couple of days later another guy ends up on the scene. it turned into some sort of competition between us and none of us won in the end!. i confronted her and asked why cant we be together? and she said ” i do like you , im just afraid that if we try and dont work out im going to lose you”. i didnt know how to take this and i stuck around. a month has now passed and she said recently that im her close friend . ive tried to be her friend but the old feelings are still the same and its not for happening . what i dont understand is that she phones me everysingle morning waking me up and wants to spend all her time with me, and now i feel that im pushing her away to protect myself and hopefully move on . truth is i dont want to she is amazing!. am i a complete idiot for ending up in this situation do i still have a chance with her?? please be brutally honest!!.

[April Masini]

First of all, I love answering questions, but for future, please start a new post and a new thread with your question so that others can see it as a new question and not a continuation of someone else’s. Okay?

Now, the important thing you have to remember is that you get to set your own agenda, and if she doesn’t follow it, you always have the choice to move on. In other words, while she wants to just be friends, and you only want to be boyfriend and girlfriend, you can give her what she wants — by getting to be with you — but only by offering her time together on dates and in romantic situations. In other words, you have to man up and set the agenda.

[i]You[/i] ask her out on [i]dates[/i]. Call them dates and not invitations to hang out. Make them real dates. Let there be no misunderstanding that dinner and a movie with a rose for her when you show up at her door, and a kiss at the end of the night (or more!) is what you’re all about. If she invites you to “hang out” in a friend situation, you can very simply say no, you’re busy. Don’t stay on the phone. Don’t hang out. Don’t give her any reason to be able to call you her friend. You’re her date or her boyfriend. End of story.

When she calls you to wake her up, ask her out on a date. If she says no, get off the phone. If she says yes, tell her how glad you are to be seeing her later, and get off the phone. Just because she wants to spend all her time with you doesn’t mean you should. In fact, she’s trying to set the relationship up as friends, and your job is to set it up as a man/woman dynamic. This requires you to set up boundaries, be clear about what you want, and be ready to take rejection if it comes.

If she doesn’t want to be your girlfriend, then you need to cut it off with her. If you don’t, you’re going to be miserable wanting more, not getting it, and eventually finding out and seeing her date other men. Blech. If you do have to cut it off, she may realize that she misses you so much, she really does want to go out with you. You may have sold yourself short in the short run, and you need to take yourself off the table and not be so easy for her to get time with, in order to allow her to realize your true value. And then again, if she’s decided she just doesn’t like you that way, you should be grateful she’s saving you time and heart ache so you can move on to someone who does want you for the man that you are.

[Evie]

Oh, I so don’t like drama lol. I try to avoid it whenever I can. I just felt like I unknowingly stepped between them and didn’t realize it until now that kind of thing.

So again, Cedric is the guy I like and Ken is his friend. From what you said about how you think that both men (Cedric and Ken) like me, I feel like Cedric is kind of like playing mind games with me. You know, kind of like dangling a carrot in front of me, tempting me. Kind of like he’s trying to make me put my life on hold for him but he never comes around.

I’m not trying to analyze or overanalyze here (my mind is already confused enough about things as it is), but just telling you what I see in the picture.

Like you said in my first post, in “What Is He THinking…” post, if he (Cedric) is interested or is even boyfriend material, he would have asked me out after he got over his break-up last year, after admitting to each other that the feelings for one another is mutual or had done something. Or maybe would have come around after a string of bad luck with girls recently. Right now, he’s like, his radar goes off big time after that one-time hangout with his friend Ken, and then the next, he pretends nothing happened, treating me like a co-worker/friend. Yet, he still says (on his Twitter) that its easy to find a girl, but hard to find a woman. Somehow his behavior (freaking out then pretends nothing happened) doesn’t seem to be that of someone who’s likes a girl/woman. It made me kind of doubt that he likes me. His behavior made me doubt he likes me, and his comment about hard to find a woman, I had always been myself and not done anything to make him think I’m a girl and not a woman. And I’m 6 years older than he is (and it didn’t seem like age was a problem when he told me he liked me last year. I’m also younger than Ken).

I was just kind of bothered by his reaction when he was freaked out. Why would he do that when he’s not even interested in dating me? Is his friend Ken hanging out with me (that one time when he was with his one-week girlfriend) as friends felt like a threat to him? That’s what it looked like to me on the surface. Is it even normal for a guy who’s not interested in you (as you have told me in my very first post where I was totally clueless to the signs) to freak out when he finds out that his friend was hanging out with you and act like nothing happened aftererwards? I guess there are guys who likes a girl but don’t want to date them…? I’m just confused as to what might have set him off like that. Or maybe its just another one of his mind games.

Breaking down what you said, let him be the man. Let him do the inviting and plan the outing. Right. Cedric’s the one who’s been doing that, not Ken. So Cedirc had asked me to go out with him to coffee like once or twice since I made the first post in this thread, and I took your advice and let him be the man…except that he (at times) is/can be indecisive! Everytime we go coffee or hang out (even in the past), he would ask me where I want to go or where we should go eat (and since money is an issue for him, it has to be cheap), but I would force him to choose, let him guide what we do, where we go hang out/eat., by asking him the same question. I kind of got this from my ex-roommate turned best friend (who’s been married for a little over a year) whom the three of us hung out once sometime back in February this year. My ex-roommate told him that he should make the decisions for where to go to dinner since he’s the man (I mean she literally said it out loud to him, which surprised me at the time) in the group. So I kind of took that and said that he choose where we go eat and hang out (minus saying that “because he’s the man” part). Making him to choose is not exactly the way I had hope or thought that this whole “let him be the man” thing work out. I pretty much followed your advice in your reply to my post above.

With Ken, he and I haven’t talked since that Friday night a little over a week ago. After dinner at my friend’s house, both Cedric and Ken texted me within two minutes of each other asking if I want to go to the bars with them. That was the last time I talked to Ken. Again, Ken’s behavior showed no sign of what you thought of was him liking me, even when Cedric was not in the same room as us. It seems like Ken is just there and we ended up befriending each other after hanging out a few times with Cedric around, and after Cedric abandoned him for a bit.

For most of the time, I just try to push Cedric out of my mind and get on with life.

They say women are difficult to understand, but I have to say the same for men! Any thoughts on why he might act this way?

Oh and your book is great! Easy to read and helpful tips. 🙂

[April Masini]

Let me know how things are going for you…. 😀

[Author]

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