I don’t think jealous is the right word, but…

[LonelyGirl]

Hey April,

I was experiencing emotions that I don’t understand yesterday, and was hoping you might be able to offer a perspective.

Background info:

I live with my long time boyfriend, and we’ve been together for nearly 8 years. We’ve broken up twice before, spending time at our parents’ houses, apart. Right now things are going pretty good, and we are ultimately best friends, regardless of what circumstances we’ve been through. I met him online when I was very young, we kept in touch until I was 18 and met offline.. so our history is very rich.

I used to display extreme jealousy, which caused a lot of our conflict. I broke up with him about two years ago, moved out and in with another guy. The new guy did not like my ex, so I cut off contact with him, but that only lasted about 6 months, until I contacted him. The new guy broke up with me. Being in that new relationship gave me confidence, and when my current boyfriend and I got back together, I could feel the difference and liked it. Being with him was easier, and the jealousy never surfaced, because I felt like I wasn’t as dependent on him for security. Like there are other people out there who would want to be with me, so now he cannot disrespect me without my consent, which was always a problem.

The issue:

We have class together, and when I got to class, I seen that he was chatting to an online friend he has known just as long as he’s known me, but never met her offline (to my knowledge). She used to be a good online friend of mine, until the last time I broke up with him. Now she is just his friend, and we don’t talk.

He was smiling, and it bothered me. I don’t think I am jealous, because I really feel that I know better. I suspect that he is developing a deeper relationship with her than necessary, as it is so easy to do online. I know that he knows I don’t approve.

Obviously, if he’s being sneaky, it’s not okay to stay in the relationship if I don’t feel okay about it. I just want to know how to go about dealing with someone who I know won’t admit they are involved with someone, if that is in fact the case. I don’t want to make assumptions, and I don’t want to be here if that is what it comes down to. What should I say to him?

[April Masini]

You bring up a good point that lots of people in relationships can relate to: How should you treat a relationship your boyfriend has with a friend of the opposite sex?

I think the first thing you need to do in your specific case is to get more information before you jump to conclusions. And because you’ve had such a long and rich relationship with your boyfriend (as opposed to having only dated him for a few months), it’s fair for you to ask him about his contact with this other woman. You can ask him if he’s met her offline or if she’s just an online buddy. You can also ask him if there’s any reason for you to be jealous.

The trick in these questions is your tone. Don’t put him on the defensive. Don’t accuse him of anything. Just ask. And if you’re feeling really open, you can ask him if you’ve ever given him any reason to feel jealousy. What this does is make the conversation a two way information gathering discussion as opposed to an inquisition type conversation.

You’re right — you’re not jealous, but you are concerned. I think that may be the word you’re searching for. And getting information as well as sharing any you have that he’d like, may alleviate that concern you’re feeling.

I hope that helps!

Please check me out and join my new group on Facebook at the following link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=110265355684755&ref=mf[/url]!

[christopher]

Relationship is big word it self.There are different name of relationship, as you talk about the relationship between boyfriend and girls friend so let have some discussion.I have read this whole story and as per my view it not called jealousy but it is call passiveness.I just like give advice that it can be create big misunderstanding between couple.I suggest just love your dear one forget about other and other thing and be trustworthy with your partner.

[April Masini]

[b]Christopher[/b] offers you a really good point when he writes that you should forget about the other woman and just love your boyfriend. It’s hard not to feel territorial for some people, but as your relationship progresses and you end up feeling more secure, I think you’ll be able to do just that!

Hey — please become a free member of my new AskApril.com group on Facebook. Click on this link to become a member! [url]http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=110265355684755&ref=mf[/url]

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